Saturday, October 24, 2009

Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex

I know what you're thinking: "Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex? Is there a difference? You can't have something fight against itself, Walter." Well, sassy reader, in case you didn't hear, scientists and the University of Chemicals and Scientifical Stuff, Department of Enrique, have recently proven that Enrique is in fact separate from sex. It's not hard to see why for so many years we all thought the two were identical. Enrique himself is responsible for more sex than Wilt Chamberlin and Jack Nicholson combined. At birth, his nurse reportedly fainted due to a deep passion in her corazon upon seeing baby Enrique. Enrique gave her his number, causing her to faint again. When she awoke he whispered delicately in her ear, "I'm too young to be your hero, baby, but call me in a four years or so." She fainted again. On top of this, he is indirectly responsible for more sex than even Barry White and Barry Manilow (the Barry's of Seduction, as they're known collectively). Yet it seems that due to a few differences at a chromosomal level, Enrique is not in fact sex, just incredibly similar. And so, we must know decide, Who is More Aweome (chromosomally speaking, that is).

Fighting: Violent sex is rarely a good thing. But occasionally, when between two consenting adults who are into that sort of weird shit, it's okay (but still really weird; I mean, like, wtf right?) But violent Enrique is more than okay, it's awesome. In fact, violent Enrique leads to Jennifer Love Hewitt sexytime, and that's never wrong. Point one to Mr. Iglesias.
Archery: Sex has no hands (there are way too many jokes lying dormant within this phrase for me to even begin to write them), so Enrique wins this too. 2-0 Enrique.
Swimsuit: Sex in a swimsuit? Swimsuits cover all the key components of sex. Enrique takes this one too; 3-0.
Chess: During sex, no one has anywhere near the concentration and mental capabilities required for chess, and if you do, you're doing the whole sex thing wrong. Very wrong. Enrique on the other hand is always thinking, constantly pondering, and a master of chess. 4-0 Enrique.
Racing: I have no idea if Enrique can run all that quickly (although the odds are very high he can outrun a cheetah), I do know that it's a very infrequent thing for fast sex to be good sex. Enrique takes it, for a 5-0 lead.
Pie Eating: Like with chess, if you're eating pies when you're having sex, you're doing it wrong. I mean, I guess some people have weird food fetishes, but even still, Enrique could probably eat more pies if he needed to do so to win. Enrique always wins. 6-0.
Wine Tasting: Speaking of winning, Enrique dominates this one. First, he's from Spain and a ton of super awesome wine comes from Spain. Second, Enrique is a suave motherfucker, and suave motherfuckers never go anywhere without a few $100 bottles of wine one them. 7-0, Enrique.

Usually these competitions are pretty close, but what can I say, sex was just severely outmatched on this one. I mean, really, sex have you seen this video? That motorcycle scene. Come on, you had no chance, admit it.
Hey, readers, I'm back from the deep, dark, and dank depths of non-blogging, so let me know what you want to see face off. Cool beans.
Coming Soon: Responding to all competition rebuttals, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor, Humans Vs. Animals.
Photos from flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kyz/2893897527/ and http://www.flickr.com/photos/35262893@N05/3273755686/

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Where the hell did I go?

Kristine at Wait in the Van recently (and by recently, I mean about a month ago) asked me where I went, and it reminded me that I never got around to writing a "Yo bitches, I'm taking a hiatus" post. So here it is, many months late.
It all started with a call from the CIA on a hot July morning. They wanted to recruit to work as an assassin...on Mars! You see the president of Mars has been secretly sponsoring Mars' largest drug operation, headed by the army of bear-rhinos, and...
Actually I've just been training for a marathon and studying for the GREs. The truth's so lame, comparatively. But, since both of those things are fairly time consuming, I needed to cut something out, and since I wasn't about to put and end to my job, sleeping, eating, or taking care of my dog, blogging got the ax. A big, sharp, smashing ax that took with it not only writing my blog, but also reading other's blogs, since I actually end up spending more time on the later. Sorry, everyone.
Also, my apologies for being so remiss about writing this post. Not-blogging is like doing heroin. At first you're all like, "eh, I'll just do this for a day or two and then I'll write my farewell blog" or "eh, I'll just shoot up once or twice, and then I'll get back to my life as a DEA agent." But two months later you haven't written shit and you're thinking of naming your first born "black tar" or "smack." Or something like that.
But this is all temporary. I hope to be back at this blogging thing again in a few months, as my schedule allows. So don't go nowhere on me (even though I totally bailed on you without so much as even a goodbye high five; basically I'm like the really bad boyfriend of the blogging world who starts cheating on you with another activity and then is all like, "girl, look, I'll be back in like November, and we'll totally knock boots, cause you're like mega hot."). In the meantime, the topic is Nuclear Armageddon, discuss amongst yourselves.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Tri-State Area Vs. New England

Being non-native to either region, there will be no hometown bias. I’m from Los Angeles, which is geographically and culturally pretty damn far from either New England or the Tri-State Area. But I have spent the last five years in various parts of the East Coast, and so I’ve learned pretty quickly that New Englanders hate New York, and New Yorkers forgets that New England exists.
Okay, details.
New England is made up of Maine, famous for lobsters and logging; New Hampshire, famous for a mountain with a face on it (which no longer has that face on it); Vermont, famous for cheese and same-sex marriage; Rhode Island, famous for being small; Massachusetts, famous for elitism, racism, lots of crucial historical events, and having a ton of colleges; and the New England part of Connecticut, famous for not being the New York part.
There are a number of other Tri-State Areas (Chicagoland, for example) but this time we’re talking about the region surrounding New York City. It’s made up of Northern New Jersey, famous for being dirty; the New York part of Connecticut, famous for being rich as shit; and, of course, New York City and a few surrounding counties, famous for being the epitome of a big city amongst a ton of other shit.
All right, slip into your I Heart NYC shirts and your Red Sox hats, it’s time to find out Who’s More Awesome.

Racing: New England has the marathon of all marathons: the Boston Marathon. Point one goes to New England.

Chess: In 1977 Bobby Fischer, a supreme chess badass, won three games against a computer meant to beat him with ease. While Fischer was originally born in Chicago, he lived a majority of his life, including many of his chess-related years in Brooklyn. The computer he kicked the chess shit out of was developed in at MIT in Cambridge, MA. The Tri-State takes chess.

Archery: If there’s a city more obsessed with their sports teams than Boston, I want to know about it so that we can send them psychological help immediately. If archery suddenly became an important sport, and one in which they had a chance of beating New York, New Englanders would spend more 90% of all their region’s money buying the best archery team imaginable. Even if doing so has been one of their main complaints against the Yankees for years and years. Hypocrisy, it’s the American way. Points to New England, 2-1.

Fighting: The Tri-State 100%. Sorry, New England, but hear me out. First, there’s the fact that toughness and assholishness is at the core of the New Yorker stereotype. This combines with the fact that they get people for Newark on their side, too, and Newark is scary as shit. Second, there are the numbers. The Tri-State area will be coming at this competition with a significantly larger army than New England. NYC is the most populous city in the nation, Boston is 21st. The entire city of Boston is smaller than every single NY borough except for Staten Island. Plus The Tri-State has a bunch of fairly populated New Jersey cities, while New England has New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, and Rhode Island, four states that have a total population of about 6. 2-2.

Pie Eating: Pie eating is most definitely a rural event, and besides Boston, New England is most definitely a rural place. New York City and its surrounding areas: not so rural. In fact New York City is really as far from rural as you can get. Point to New England. 3-2.

Swimsuit: Like in fighting, I have to come back to population. The more people you have, the more likely you’ll have a few who look extremely hot in a bathing suit. Plus, where do models, actors and actresses, and other attractive people go to make it big other than LA? That’s right, New York. When was the last time you heard of a model/actress getting their “big break” in Boston? Points to the Tri-State. 3-3.

Wine Tasting: Neither region is exactly a wine powerhouse, but still this one isn’t easy. New England, specifically Massachusetts and Connecticut, has the pretentious snobbery and elitism necessary for wine tasting. But then again, New York can also be pretty damn pretentious when they want to be, too. But then I found this. Guess what, New England? That’s not fucking okay. “Sauvignyoouuk Blanc?” No! Stop that! Seriously, you have an unhealthy obsession with baseball. But more pertinent to this competition, that shit will NOT fly at a wine tasting. Ever. But guess what? The fucking Yankees have a wine too. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? But when you google image search “Red Sox Wine” you get assaulted with wine bottles plastered with steroidal, unshaven faces. On the other hand, when you google image search “Yankees Wine” you only have to see two bottles of wine. As always, google images has the final word. It’s a lame way to win, and a slim victory at best, but points must go to the Tri-State Area for being ever so slightly less okay with baseball themed wine. They win it, 4-3.

Sorry, New England. Get back to me when you start drinking grown up wine, and I’ll think about changing the results.
Coming Soon: Responding to all competition rebuttals, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor, Humans Vs. Animals.
Have an idea for a competition? Leave it in the comments.
(flickr photo RED SOX NATION by Oscalito; http://www.flickr.com/photos/oscalito/237301508/)(flickr photo My latest Yankees cap by wfyurasko; http://www.flickr.com/photos/wfyurasko/2763343672/)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Men Vs. Women - Guest Bloggers!

This doesn’t need much of an introduction, because it’s a pretty obvious match up (if you don’t know what men and women are, how the hell are you able to use a computer?) and because you guys wrote it, so why would I need to introduce it to you? Thanks so much to all of you who pitched in, it turned it really super mega extra awesome. You’re all badass motherfuckers as far as I’m concerned.
And for those of who didn’t get a chance to participate but wanted to, don’t worry, we’ll do this again. It turned out surprisingly well considering how confusing I made it initially. It even ended up being much more evenly matched than I figured it would be.
And just a brief warning: the adult-ness of the content varies extremely from section to section depending on who wrote it, so although it’s not like my blog is usually PG anyway, you’ve been warned. Additionally, I claim no responsibility to any opinions in this post, because I didn’t write it. You did, you awesome-ites.
So pause the game and cancel your shopping trip, it’s time to put the classic battle between Men and Women to the test and find out Who’s More Awesome.

Wine Tasting by DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom: It’s been proven that women are more likely to be Supertasters (people with more taste buds than the average person) than men. This fact, along with the increasing number of women getting certified as Master Sommeliers is starting to strengthen the chick power in the wine world. Let’s face it, most dudes see alcohol as a “fun delivery system”. Judging a drink for its complex character or correctness in food matching is a buzz kill. Few men with normal testosterone levels would turn down a “corked” bottle as long as it still had an alcohol content. After enough wine, a guy will drink the spit bucket in the tasting room. If the contest were about quantity, I’d give it to the guys, but since it’s about tasting, score one for the ladies. 1-0 women.

Swimsuits by Molly at The Bumbles: There are plenty of men and women who don't look good in a bathing suit. Guys who wear board shorts with big white bellies hanging out. Ladies who have cottage cheese thighs underneath those one pieces with the skirts. Lets face it - very few of us actually look good in bathing suits. Women are smarter though, or more thoughtful, in hiding their imperfections beneath pretty wraps while the men go jiggling down the beach chasing after a frisbee without a care in the world. But for the sake of this swimsuit competition, lets assume the perfect body. Well - this one is easy folks. It really all boils down to bikinis versus banana hammocks doesn't it? Even a gorgeous man incites cringes in a Speedo. It is just not sexy having those perfect abs overshadowed by that bulging package. On the other hand, a goregeous woman cannot look anything but hot in a bikini. Bulging bosoms are a yes. The women win this competition hands down. 2-0 women.

Achery by Barb: Bows, arrows and shooting shit. From English long bowmen to nativeAmericans firing on horseback, this seems to be the domain of men. Thestrength required to pull a bowstring takes a certain kind of upperchest development, and the need to gut or bury whatever you have justkilled, is not a job designed for high heels. It looks pretty onesided. However, there is one word that could upset William Tell'sapple cart - Amazons. Oh I know what you're thinking. Aren't they a myth? Well, even here onthe interwebs, people only have the courage to refer to them as asemi-myth, as if hordes of one breasted women will descend. But thiswas just one nation state among many. I think for sheer numbers and for going out hunting while us girls lay on the couch, the men win this one. 2-1 women.

Racing by Brian at FrankenFinger: The first race was between Ugh and Thag, Cavemen, running from a saber-toothed tiger. After witnessing this exciting event, other cavedudes thought it would be a good idea to practice outrunning your buddies. So was born the first sanctioned race with a prize of some sort, awarded to the winner at the Devouring of the Looser Luau. Eventually they stopped eating the losers and developed the modern system of berating them.
Not wanting to be one-upped by our ancestors, modern men created the Arms Race. Possibly the most exciting of all races because upon completion everyone wins by extermination and cockroaches eat both the winners and the losers.
There are some great female racers like Shirley Muldowney and Danica Patrick, but for the most part, it’s all dudes. Sorry ladies but this one goes to the men. 2-2.

Chess by Anna at Incoherent Ramblings: Women are smarter than men. This is a fact and I know it’s a fact because I am a woman, therefore I am smart. However, there are different kinds of smart. Women are excellent at multi-tasking. If the game of chess involved planning a birthday party whilst making dinner and trying on shoes, women would ace it. But it doesn’t. Chess requires the kind of single-mindedness that men excel at. That’s why the house could burn down around them during a football game and they wouldn’t notice. Men can focus on one thing, and only one thing, for unnaturally long periods of time.
Also, some research (yes, I researched) has told me that there has never been a female world chess champion.
I so, so wanted women to take this one, but I think the facts speak for themselves and the point has to be awarded to the men. Sorry ladies. 2-3 men.

Pie Eating by Erin: While trying to stay away from the obvious sexual innuendos of whether men or women can eat deeper, faster, who can put more in their mouth, who can eat out the pie first, etc etc etc...(ok that's out of the way) I've put some serious thought into this category. Initially I figured, oh obviously guys will eat more faster and harder (sorry had to) but then after looking at copious amount of data on all you can eat contests, the real gold medal winners of these events are short, skinny, Asians. And on average, woman are shorter, skinner, and WAY more Asian. So for this round, woman get my vote, because historically we CAN put more in our mouths. 3-3

Fighting by Kristine at Wait in the Van: I'm pretty sure you think you know where this is going already. You're thinking, Oh sure, she's going to talk about pulling hair, OH--and totally groin kicks, oh and yeahyeahyeah! that line about two black eyes and telling her twice!
But I'm NOT going to. Because this is a good fight. Because the title of AWESOMENESS is on the line. So, essentially, this is kind of like the movie Kung Fu Panda where shit matters and each opponent has been off in like South America and IndoChina (?) training with secret masters of really funky fighting art forms. Except that it's pretty much going to be an episode of History's Deadliest Warrior or something, and completely unsuitable for viewing by children. But if you've never seen that movie or that show, just ignore that last part and simply understand that this is going to be even more incredible than that time you got really drunk and stumbled into your neighbor's basement instead of your own house (hey, it happens), and walked in on some kind of wicked, disturbing cross-breed of cock-fighting and The Most Dangerous Game.
And if you don't know what The Most Dangerous Game is, well, then clearly you have no idea what I'm talking about. And you're probably not alone. Because I'm pretty confused at this point. In fact, why am I even writing this? Do you really think you DON'T know the winner already?
Essentially this is the scenario: man is stronger than woman.
OHHH! Wait! That's SEXIST! Right, I know: I'm totally not allowed to say that because, whoa! it's so completely offensive and women can be bodybuilders and Ultimate Fighters and can shoot things out of their nether regions and blahblahblah. Listen, this isn't a birth-off competition. This isn't chess. It's fighting. And as much as I like to think that my tits intelligence can outsmart a man's strength, I'm pretty sure he's going to snap my twiggy wrists during the lets-have-a-clean-fight glove tap. And then even the referee is going to be rolling his eyes muttering, "Like we didn't see THIS one coming" while I lay there, whimpering for the medic who promptly scolds me for being so pig headed. And then I'm like, yeah, thanks HUSBAND.
Don't believe me? Let's walk through even the most favorable of pairings:
Woman = She-Ra.
Man = Michael Moore.
She-Ra: By the Power of Graysk---
MM: Listen, don’t give me that skull nonsense. YOU are a mockery to all womankind. You stand there, your tits hanging out--which, they're quite lovely, I'll say--and your skirt barely covering your ass. Do you think I'm really considering fighting you? I'd much rather have sex with you. And the easiest way to have sex with you would be while you're unconscious...so...
She-Ra: But I have a fucking sword, you loud-mouthed swine. What do you think you can do to me? Smother me with your moobs?
MM: [Takes off shirt, walks toward She-Ra while tweaking his nipples.]
She-Ra: Oh...[swallowing mouth-barf]...oh please. [Regaining composure. Pushes breasts together and aims sword.] Stand back, you blob of hair and flesh. I AM SHE-RA!
MM: I'm white. I'm male. I make more than you and I never even had to sleep with anyone to do it. AND I LOOK LIKE THIS!
She-Ra: [Eyes filling with tears. Falls to her knees, dropping sword.] My publicist told me I had to come to this or he'd leak that video of me and Skeletor. [Starts sobbing.]
MM: There, there. [Balls up shirt and wets it with ether. Approaches She-Ra.] Let Uncle Moore make it ahhllll better...
Point for the men.
4-3 men.

Wait, we won? Six out of the seven judges were women, and we won? Sweet.
Thank you again to everyone who helped out. I’m so happy about how well this turned out.
Coming Soon: The Tristate Area Vs. New England, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Have an idea for a competition? Leave it in the comments.
(flickr photo A-happy-couple by mando2003us; http://www.flickr.com/photos/51788543@N00/189713200/)

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ferrets Vs. Poseidon


Um yeah. I have no idea how these two got matched up, but they did, so I’ll do it. I’m sort of like a blogging slut; I have no standards and I’m down to do whatever you tell me to do. On blogs, that is.

Ferrets. Cute little domesticated mammals, a relative of the weasel, about 20 inches long including their tail, anywhere from 1.5 to 4 pounds, and have a lifespan of 7-10 years. Then there’s Poseidon. The Greek god of the sea and earthquakes.

Here goes nothing. Pull out your weasel leashes and your copy of The Odyssey, let’s find out Who’s More Awesome.


Swimsuit: At first, I saw that Poseidon had about a bagillion kids, and thought, “Okay, to have that many kids, you need to be pretty damn sexy and that’s what the swimsuit competition is all about.” But then I did some more research (fuck yeah, I research for my blog; I have friends, I promise) and found out that pretty much 90% of his kids were the product of rape or date rape. Guess what is definitely, definitely, definitely NOT awesome, Poseidon? If you guessed rape, then you’re correct, you creepy son of a bitch. Plus, you remember Medusa? The women with snakes for hair? Well apparently she used to be super duper hot, and then Poseidon did the sex with her in the alter of Athena, and when Athena found out she turned Medusa into the monster we all know now. But no punishment for Poseidon. Way to leave Medusa hanging, Poseidon. Sounds like you’re a real nice guy; really, a fucking winner. So yes, a ferret is going to beat you in the sexiness competition. A goddamn ferret. That’s what you get for being an asshole rapist. In fact, really, your punishment should be a lot worse than being beaten by a ferret in sexiness, but you’re a god, and so like the wealthy, you get away with things you really shouldn’t. If I awarded negative points, I’d give you a couple hundred of them now, but I don’t, so consider yourself lucky. Point to the ferrets.


Fighting: Ferrets. I don’t care that you’re the god of the ocean, Poseidon, because check out this war dance that ferrets do. Those badass little moves are called the weasel war dance, and they’re the reason Poseidon’s gonna get his salt-watery ass handed to him. Point two for ferrets.


Chess: But credit where credit is due, and Poseidon is significantly smarter than a ferret. Point one for him.


Wine Tasting: I know you’re not the god of wine, but wine is a godly thing, so I’ll give you points for this one too, Poseidon. Tied at twos.


Racing: Yes, Poseidon is incredibly fast in the water. But on land, he’s shit. Ferrets on the other hand are quick little weasels on land or water. Points to the cute little furry dudes.


Archery: Ferrets have no hands to grasp a bow and arrow with, so by default, Poseidon takes this one.


Pie Eating: Well it’s tied, and we’re on a tough one. On one hand Poseidon is bigger and could probably eat more. Plus he and the rest of the gods were always getting random foods and lives sacrificed to them back in the day. On the other hand, ferrets would just love to nab a pie and devour that shit. Also, on the other hand, Poseidon is still a shit-eating rapist, and rapists aren’t allowed to win my competitions. This point goes to the ferrets and they win, 4-3.


I bet you didn’t see that one coming, but hey, ferrets do kick ass. Their awesomisity level has always been quite high.

Coming Soon: Men Vs. Women, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Competition suggestions? Leave a comment.

(flickr photo peeking by theogeo; http://www.flickr.com/photos/theogeo/548707833/)

(flickr photo Poseidon by boboroshi; http://www.flickr.com/photos/boboroshi/1394513841/)


Friday, May 29, 2009

Guest Blogger Final Update

Here it is, peoples, the final list of guest bloggers. Man, this is the most frequently I've posted since this blog was started, and none of it involves me saying things like "Monkeys are sexy in bathing suits" and "They eat less pies than an anorexic in a hunger protest."
Anna Russell: Chess
Diary of a Mad Bathroom: Wine Tasting
Erin: Pie Eating
The Bumbles: Swimsuit
FrankenFinger: Racing
Barb: Archery
Kristine: Fighting
Thanks to everyone who agreed to help out. Let's do this shit!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Guest Blogging Update

Despite my incoherence and the confusing way I went about this guest blogging thing, yesterday's proposal is going better than expected. But I still need (or want) one more guest blogger. So to help anyone who's keeping track keep track, here's the update.
Anna Russell: Chess
Diary of a Mad Bathroom: Wine Tasting
Erin: Pie Eating
The Bumbles: Swimsuit
FrankenFinger and Barb: Whatever they want of what remains.
So Barb, FrankenFinger, and the mysterious person who's totally going to volunteer after they read this, because they want nothing more than to write a paragraph for an utterly pointless blog, here's what remains: Fighting, Racing, and Archery.
For those of you who have signed up already, no rush on getting me your paragraph, but just to set some sort of deadline, why don't we say by next Monday at the latest?

For those of you who have no clue what's going on, please see yesterday's post (and my comments in that post, if the post still doesn't explain it to you). Basically, one of the competitions suggested for this blog's hypothetical battles was Men Vs. Women, and I'm asking readers to guest blog that one instead of me being the judge as usual. Hopefully, a total of seven readers will contribute, each taking a section (the things listed above) of the battle. It turns out I made this more confusing that it needed to be, so if you don't exactly get it, just ask, and I'd be happy to try to explain. Thanks.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Guest Blogging Anyone?

No, I'm not taking a vacation. I have much lazier motives for my guest blogging offer.
There are a lot of competitions lined up, and more come in each week. On top of that, I haven't given much opportunity for reader participation on my blog. So here's the solution: I give you guys a competition to guest write. Reader participation and two competitions down in one week.
Because writing an entire competition is an ass in the pain, each guest blogger will write just one of the contests for a competion. So for the competition there will be seven guest bloggers: one per contest, and I'll take care of the intro and conclusion (unless someone really wants those, in which case I'd be happy to hand them over). So basically, you pick a particular contest, write that up, send it my way, and I'll put them all together into a competition. It's not much work on your part, and it gives seven people the chance to guest blog instead of just one.
The competition I picked from the line up is Men Vs. Women. It's universal, and by putting this one on you, it let's me completely avoid the whole sexism thing.
If you're interested, leave a comment or, better yet, shoot me an email with your top two choices for a contest to write (Fighting, Racing, Swimsuit, Chess, Pie Eating, Archery, and Wine Tasting). It'll be on a first come first serve basis for writing in general and getting the contest you want (since I'm sure I'll just be flooded with emails. Or not). But yeah, before writing anything, let me know what you want to write in case someone else has already done it.
And hey if this works out well, it might be a more regular occurrence.
Cool? Sweet. Let's do this, bitches. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you bitches, that was rude. Let's do this, not-bitches.
Also, I'll still be posting my own regularly scheduled competition on the weekend as always.

P.S. If you find this confusing, please see my comments below. In two of them (to Anna and Mandy) I tried my best to re-explain this as best I could. Sorry about how confusing it ended up being.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman

Happy Memorial Day! Sorry to all non-Americans who aren't celebrating Memorial Day. I didn't mean to alienate you, it's just that I'm so pumped about my day off that I had to give Memorial Day a shout out.
Now let's talk about gigantic ape-like monsters.
The Sasquatch (Bigfoot) and the Abominable Snowman (Yeti) are basically the exact same creature. Large, hairy, sort of like a human, sort of like a gorilla, sort of like a bear, sometimes super scary and other times totally chill. The main difference is that Bigfoot is from North America and the Yeti is from Tibet. Since they're so similar, this wont be the easiest fake competition I've written, but I'm up for a challenge, if you are.
So let's get ready to accuse the government of cover ups and analyze some fuzzy footage shot from hundreds of yards away so we can find out Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Bigfoot. There's wine where he's from (the Pacific Northwest). Good wine even. But not much wine is growing at Old Abominable's Everest Frozen Grape Vineyard.

Fighting: The Yeti. Two words: altitude training. This guy (or thing) could go a full twelve rounds easily, while the Sasquatch is huffing and puffing like the out of shape beast-human-monster-myth-legend thing that he is. It's tied up at ones.

Racing: See the altitude training point above to understand why this one goes to the Yeti as well.

Chess: You might think the Yeti would have this one since he looks like such a damn clever son of a bitch, but he lives in the Tibetan mountains. Where, amongst all the snow storms and just general snowy-as-fuckness of that region is he going to set up a chess board? Nowhere. But Bigfoot can just pull a fallen redwood tree over and begin playing. Point to Sasquatch, and it's tied at twos.

Pie Eating: The Sasquatch is American, and pie eating contests, as we've noted in many previous competitions, are pretty goddamn American. He gets the points here, and pulls ahead.

Swimsuit: Oh wow, this is so sexy that I have ten boners right now. That's a lie, because 1.) It's impossible for one man to have ten boners at once. Even for me. The best I can do is get nine of my ten penises to boner phase. 2.) This competition isn't sexy at all. In fact it's unsexy. 3.) I only have one penis like a normal person. I was totally kidding about point 1. 4.) I really hope my parents don't read this. Sorry, the competition. Okay, well since they look almost identical, and since they're both big, ugly motherfuckers, I'm just going to give this one over to the Yeti for having a slightly less disgusting name. I mean, really, do you want to see something called Sasquatch (or even Bigfoot) in a swimsuit? I thought not.

Archery: Sasquatch is sort of a Native American term, and who's (at least in the literature written solely by non-Native Americans) better at archery than them? So, with all the ignorance and stereotyping I could muster, I award this to the Sasquatch, who takes the whole competition at 4-3.

And the Yeti is left out in the cold. Fake monsters of North America rejoice!
Coming Soon: Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Competition suggestions? Leave a comment.
(flickr photo [sasquatch?] by david drexler; http://www.flickr.com/photos/drexler/1368184931/)
(flickr photo yeti by Jeremy Burgin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jburgin/2963228177/)

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Her Telephone Booth - Guest Blogging

I did it. I'm a guest blogger. And I didn't write my guest blog as a series of competitions; I actually wrote it like a normal blogger! All ranting and raving and shit like a big kid. I know, I know, I'm proud of myself, too.
Check it out. At the very least so that you can see the rest of Tish's blog My Telephone Booth which is well worth reading if you currently aren't. If it were in one of my competitions, it'd win every one of them except for archery since no one really wants to win that one, anyway.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Old People Vs. Babies

Ah yes, an ancient battle, that goes back centuries upon centuries. Old people and infants. How could it have possibly taken us this long to get to such a prestigious and infamous battle? A battle of the ages. Ahahaha, it's a pun. Now laugh, you son of a bitch!
But seriously internet folks (that is to say, not real people; you're probably all old fat men pretending to be young attractive women), this was requested by two people. Dos if you speak Spanish. Still dos even if you don't. Kristine and SophisticatedBrew both requested this baby (goddamnit, another pun! I'm on a role).
This one doesn't need much of an intro, so lets watch our mobiles or some Murder, She Wrote and make sure our diapers are on (both our baby and old people diapers) and find out Who's More Awesome.

Racing: Have you ever seen those random old people that run like 15 marathons a year and twice as many triathlons, and they end up on the evening news about once a month whenever things get slow? How many miraculous running babies do you know? None, that's how many. But there are miraculous running old people. It happens. Not often, but it happens. Point one for the senior citizens.

Swimsuit: With babies you can at least say something like, "Oh a baby in swim trunks is adorable." With old people all you can really say is, "This is disgusting and horrible. Someone please claw my eyes out of with rusty butter knife now!" Point one for the infants.

Chess: Babies are idiots. No offense meant, they just are. They have minimal mental capacities, so a game like chess really isn't for them. No matter how far gone the old person is, odds are they still have a brain cell or two on a baby. Point two for the old peeps.

Pie Eating: Old people can't eat for shit. Again, no offense meant, it's just the truth. Most old people nibble here or there and barely finish a full meal. But babies, they know how to eat, and they do it eat pie eating contest style. They throw their food around, smash their face and hands in it, get it all over their shirt, and gobble that shit down with the itsy bitsy lame excuses for teeth they have. Point two for the miniature humans.

Archery: Babies have pudgy little balls of dough for fingers, so their chances of being able to accurately fire a bow and arrow are almost as low as their chances of picking one up with those weak, fat arms they have. Sorry babies, but the old people win this one by default. Sure there's arthritis working against them, but they at least have a chance of a manipulating a bow and arrow, while you have absolutely no hope. Point three for those with gray hair.
Fighting: Let's face it, neither of these two are going to excel here. They're not exactly in great fighting condition. But they don't need to be, because the instant that bell goes off, and the old man starts walker-ing it over to the baby, the baby will cry. If you've ever taken a five hour plane flight with a crying baby next to you, you know that you'd do anything to shut it up, even throwing aside all your morals and kicking the shit out of an old dude. And so the baby will win by sheer annoyance, as tons of able bodied adults take to the ring in his defense. Point three for the babies.
Wine Tasting: All tied up, which sounds like the title for a bondage movie, but it's actually a description of this contest's current situation. So who will take it? Easy. Babies have no experience with wine, very little experience with smell or taste, very weak smell and taste, and they have shit tolerance. Old people for the win, 4-3.
Break open the doors to the retirement home, and toss your babies in a crib (or Australia so that a dingo will take them) because old people won this one, old school style. Future face offs: The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor. Contest suggestions? Leave them in the comments.
(flickr photo Old People Sign by rileyroxx; http://www.flickr.com/photos/rileyroxx/151985627/)
(flickr photo Fun with Babies Part 1 by TedsBlog; http://www.flickr.com/photos/tedsblog/43433812/)

Friday, May 8, 2009

The JLA Vs. The Avengers

The foremost DC comics superhero team (The JLA or Justice League of America) against the foremost Marvel comics superhero team (The Avengers). A comic book nerd's wet dream, and let me say, my dreams have been soaked lately thinking about this competition. That came out wrong, didn't it?
The main problem with this face off is the fluidity of the teams' rosters. They constantly change membership, and as much as I'd love to include every single member ever a part of each team, that would leave me with somewhere around a billion JLA heros and 25 billion Avengers. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get my point. So I've narrowed it down to the most consistent and essential members.
The JLA is Superman, Batman, Aquaman, The Flash, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter.
The Avengers are Captain America, Thor, Wasp, Giant-Man (Henry Pym), Iron Man, and Hawkeye.
And I know The Avengers have one less person on their team, but I think having Thor, who's a god and all sort of makes up for it. I mean Superman and Martian Manhunter are pretty fucking powerful, but they're not god status.
So put on the bat signal, find a telephone booth to change in, power up your suit, and grab the Mjolnir, because we're about to find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: I started with an easy one. Hawkeye all the way. That's what he does. You know that Rick Ross song Hustlin'? Well replace "hustlin'" with "archery(in')" and the song could have been written by Hawkeye. And I know sometimes the Green Arrow is in the JLA, and maybe I should have included him here, but I didn't so deal with it. Point one for The Avengers.

Racing: The Flash. It's only fair. I know, I know, it's highly possible that Superman, Martain Manhunter, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and on the other side of things Thor and Iron Man are actually faster, but speed is all The Flash has. Let's not strip him of his dignity just for the sake of fake competition accuracy. Have a fucking heart people. The point goes to The JLA.

Pie Eating: Henry Pym in his Giant-Man form has this one easily. When you're sixty-feet tall, you can eat a lot of pies. Point two for The Avengers.

Swimsuit: But not so fast Marvel, because Wonder Woman is a super hot girl wearing what is essentially a swimsuit. Yes, Wasp is pretty damn hot, too, but she's not wearing a swimsuit, and Wonder Woman is a much better superhero: speed, strength, invulnerability, flight, a boomeranging tiara, communication with animals, and a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Awesome! Compare that to Wasp who can shrink really small, fly (with wings, not magically like Wonder Woman), shoot littler stinger blasts, and communicate with insects (not badass and occasionally cute and cuddly animals; ugly, gross, tiny insects). Plus, there's Aquaman who's basically wearing a permanent swimsuit since he's always in the water and totally digging it. Point two for the JLA.

Wine Tasting: As far as familiarity with the whole wine tasting process goes, The JLA has Bruce Wayne (Batman) and The Avengers have Tony Stark (Iron Man). Both of these guys are snazzy rich motherfuckers who probably go wine tasting more often than they take a piss. But wine tasting under my rules is also about tolerance since there's none of that wasteful spitting the wine out like a spoiled brat who doesn't like their dinner bullshit. And that's where Captain America, who is impervious to the affects of alcohol and thus has a limitless tolerance, comes in. Point three for The Avengers.

Fighting: With Thor on one side and Superman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Wonder Woman on the other, this fight could go on until the end of time. And I don't mean the 2pac end of time I mean the apocalypse end of time. But fortunately we don't need a full on battle, because the JLA gets an honorary victory for having Batman on their team, solely because of this super badass Chinese prison fight scene from Batman Begins. Point three for The JLA.

Chess: The only JLA member known for intelligence is Batman. That's not to say the rest are idiots, just that none of them have reputations as mental giants. But the Avengers have two scientific geniuses (Giant-Man and Iron Man) and one militaristic genius (Captain America). And so The Avengers take the competition, 4-3.

Even with their roster cut, The Avengers still came out on top. Sorry, DC, please don't take it personally. You guys were and always will be my first comic book love. But you know, a competition's a competition, and you lost.
Awesome match ups of the future: Babies Vs. Old People, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
If you have suggestions, leave them in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo jla_avengers by nijin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/geneandshari/1350974721/)

Monday, April 13, 2009

The US Vs. Europe


Anna Russel over at Incoherent Ramblings and Room 102 suggested this one.
Now, like any good American, I don't know anything about about Europe except that it's part of England. Wait, sorry. That's wrong. Europe is part of London, which owns England. No, that's not right either. Hold on, let me look this up.
So wikipedia says that Europe isn't a city, it's actually a continent made of shitloads (paraphrasing here) of countries. I'm not buying it. I want to see a source wikipedia. Citation needed! Next thing you'll be telling me that we haven't enslaved Canadians, and refused to annex them as a state until they stop liking hockey. What? We haven't! I call bullshit wikipedia, I call bullshit.
Anyway, so where was I. Oh yeah, Europe vs. the USA. A continent (allegedly) vs. a country. The place with London and Paris and other cities Americans like to visit and the place entirely made of New Yorkers, Hollywood stars, and rednecks. Wait, wait, that's not right. Am I channeling non-US stereotypes about the US?
Clearly this competition will go smoothly, because we Americans know our history and geography so well. Finest education system in the entire continent of the USA!
So put on your baseball caps or your football (the one actually played with feet) jerseys, it's time to get international and find out Who's More Awesome.
Archery: Archery is old school. Europe is old school. Plus, nothing says archery like Robin Hood, and where's Robin Hood from? England, and that's in Europe (thanks, wikipedia!). Point one for Europa.

Pie Eating: Pies are American. Overeating is American. Turning things that really should be leisurely and fun into intense competitions is American. Point one for the USA.

Chess: The current form of chess came from Europe. Plus most of the chess grandmasters have come from Europe. Point two for Europe.

Racing: One word: autobahn. No one knows what it means, because it's in the dead language of German...wait, wikipedia says that people still speak German. Who knew? Anyways, it's the name for a highway with no speed limits, and any place that flips the bird at speed limits is awesome. Point three for Europe.

Swimsuit: If there's a place that's all about gratuitous, guilt-ridden, barely-covered sexuality, it's the US. In Europe naked people walk around like it's no big deal and no one gives a crap. "Oh look, another naked person. Who cares, this is Europe and we see that shit all time." Sure, that's solely based on two or three European commercials I saw one time and that whole nude beach thing, but my point is that here in America, we like our bodies minimally covered in a way that only a swimsuit can accomplish. Modern uncontrollable lust battles a foundation of puritanical prudishness. Point two for the United States.

Fighting: In the past, definitely Europe. If there's one thing I know about Europe it's that they were all about militaristically fucking shit up back in the day. But now, The US has taken their place at the forefront of bombings, shootings, territorial mass murder, and general imperialistic sentiments. Point three for the US.

Wine Tasting: Sure the US has California and all the Sonoma and Napa wine that comes with it, but Europe has Italy, France, Spain, and Germany. And Europe wins, 4-3.

Oh well, at least we still own Canada.
Coming soon: The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Have a battle you want duelled out? Leave it in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo EU Boulevard by meiburgin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/meiburgin/2650856117/)
(flickr photo NYSE by luisvilla; http://www.flickr.com/photos/maguisso/221129936/)

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Incredible Hulk

Two giant green guys tussling for the top. It sounds like the title to the next big youtube video or martian gay porn. Mostly the later. But it's neither. It's a showdown between a tall spokesman for the Green Giant food company and a Jekyll and Hyde like Marvel superhero.
I just called Kermit and Yoda, because we're about to get green, bitches, and find out Who's More Awesome.

Chess: We don't know much about Jolly's intelligence, but since he's basically just a really tall green guy in a tunic, we can assume he has no greater than average human intelligence. The Hulk is more complicated. As the Hulk, his intelligence can range anywhere from a bumbling, neanderthal to a clever and conniving creature. But the first is more common. That said, Bruce Banner (Hulk's human form) is a genius. Literally, a genius. So point one goes to Hulk, so long as he can keep his anger in check.

Wine Tasting: All that time around food had to rub off on Jolly's sense of smell and taste. Plus, you can't rip your clothes and throw cars around in a wine tasting, Hulk. Point one for the Green Giant.

Fighting: The Hulk spends all his time fighting people. That's what he does, day in and day out. He might as well fill out a time sheet for it and start getting paid. Jolly on the other just tromps around green fields looking like he's headed to an environmentally themed toga party. He'd serve up a can of peas and the Hulk would counter with a can of whoop ass. Point two for Mr. Incredible. Trust me, Jolly, you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Swimsuit: The Jolly Green Giant all the way. He's already wearing one. Ripped purple pants do not count, Hulk. Yeah, She Hulk may be wearing a swimsuit too, but she's frighteningly ripped, and that really detracts from the swimsuit. Plus this isn't about her, it's about you. Point goes to the vegetable lover.

Archery: I seem to hit on this point in almost every post, but at the risk of beating a dead archer, hand dexterity is key. The Hulk's massive mitts don't exactly look nimble. The Green Giant pulls ahead with his third point.

Pie Eating: Are you kidding me? Clearly, the Hulk. Not only is he constantly active, burning tons (literally, tons) of calories that need to be replenished, but he also just looks like the kind of guy who has a serious appetite. The Jolly Green Giant on the other hand just sort of stands around and for a guy representing a food company, he doesn't look all that hungry. Point three for The Hulk and it's tied up.

Racing: Sure, Jolly's got more of a runner's look going on. Tall, lean, clothing that's a bit too revealing. But one of the Hulk's powers is speed, despite his appearance. With legs that strong, he can run, bound, and leap incredible distances incredibly fast. 4-3 the Hulk.

A victory for Stan Lee, nerds, and anyone who can't control their anger, and a defeat for everyone who enjoys frozen or canned vegetables.
Coming soon to a blog near you: Europe Vs. The US, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Leave any competition suggestions in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo World's Largest Jolly Green Giant by Mykl Roventine; http://www.flickr.com/photos/myklroventine/493287872/)
(flickr photo Hulk Up Close And Personal: 09/10/06 by kiwanja; http://www.flickr.com/photos/kiwanja/268740653/)

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Republicans Vs. Democrats


As inevitable as it is, I've been dreading this one more than Superman dreads kryptonite. Aside from religion, there's very little that people take as seriously as politics. No matter who comes out on top, people will be pissed.
So to keep me from getting skewered like a shrimp in an Australian BBQ (sorry Australians, I couldn't help it), let me make it known that the results and any jokes made along the way do not necessarily reflect the views of the author.* Actually, my political beliefs are centered around Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If only our government had more pizza without anchovies this whole goddamn economic catastrophe would finally be solved! And hey, no matter who wins, at least we aren't in a totalitarian state in which this contest would be titled people who agree with the government in power vs. people without heads.
Pull out your elephant shirt and donkey cap, because we're about get all political in this motherfucker so we can find out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: Two words: second amendment. Sorry democrats, but the republicans are packing heat, and that puts an end to any fight. Point one for the GOP.

Wine Tasting: The democrats pull this one off due to their continuous efforts to save all things environmental, which coincidentally includes grapes. Although eventually we'll just make wine out of high fructose corn syrup, like we do with everything else, but we'll save that one for sugar vs. anything and everything that tastes like sugar. Recommend it, someone. Do it. I dare you. Point one for the democrats.

Pie Eating:
Let's be honest, even if it means stereotyping a bit. Pie eating competitions are a red state thing, a farming state thing. That's what they do, and they do it well. Point two for the republicans.

Swimsuit: Unfortunately for the democrats Miss USAs predominantly come from red states. Texas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, Missouri, and somehow Massachusetts snuck in there, but she's the only one and her state's the size of a small city anyway. With actual swimsuit contest winners backing them up, the republicans take a third point.

Chess: This time chess has nothing to do with intelligence or strategy. If I even begin to comment on that with politics, one side or another is probably going to pamphlet, petition, and bumper sticker me to death. But chess is a timed game, and if I've learned anything about the previous administration's ability to set time limits and put and end to things (eg. a war in a place that starts with I and ends with Raq), it's that they can't. Point two for the democrats.

Racing: Check this out. That's right, world, our new president's work out has people gasping. So does our economy. But whatever, Obama lifts weights, and that's what's really important, right? Anyways, my point is that the democratic party's most prominent figure could probably kick your ass in a sprint, a 10K, or just in general. The democrats tie things up.

Archery: The only people who still use bows and arrows are hunters. Occasionally. When their 65 assault rifles (deer hunting assault rifles, mind you) are in the shop. And hunting, like pie eating, is pretty much a red state thing. So the republicans take this one, and violently so. 4-3.

Fuck the petting zoo and its donkeys, let's go to a real zoo and see some elephants, because the republicans just won. Hey, after the democrats' recent presidential victory, it's only fair the republicans get this fake blog victory.
Coming soon: The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, and Men Vs. Women.
Suggestions for a face off? Leave them in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
*When I pick a winner it doesn't have anything to do with which I like better in real life (I like pie better than cake, to use the former contest as an example) it's more about what result will make each contest make more sense/be funnier.

(flickr photo Donkey by moose.boy; http://www.flickr.com/photos/alces/47422069/)
(flickr photo Big 5 - Elephant by TheLizardQueen; http://www.flickr.com/photos/lizard_queen/114587853/)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Cake Vs. Pie

No, this has nothing to do with an indie rock band from Sacramento or the number 3.14, although maybe I'll pit the guys who wrote "The Distance" and a never ending number against each other sometime soon. Considering some of the weird requests I get on here, it's very possible.
But this one is more logical: a show down at high noon between the two most famous sweet and delicious dessert pastries of the Western world.
Put your diet on hold and grab a fork and napkin so that we can dig into this one and find out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: I have no idea why I think this, and I really can't explain it at all, but cakes would fight dirty. You know it and I know it. They just seem like they'd be the kind of pastries to throw rabbit punches and knees to the groin, while a pie would play by the rules and be done for in no time. Point one for cakes based on completely illogical reasoning.

Chess: But all the time and careful consideration that goes into pie making and all that painstaking work on the crust is emblematic of a desert that thinks about its each and every move. Pie takes it's first point.

Swimsuit: Sexiness is cake's domain. When was the last time you saw a stripper jump out of a pie? Never, that's when. But a cake? You'd be hard-pressed to find a cake that didn't come with a stripper. Okay, maybe not, but you catch my drift. The cake gets it's second point with almost no effort. A piece of cake.

Archery: There's something old-fashioned about archery and there's something old-fashioned about pie. One says "the weapon native peoples of America used centuries ago to defended against their destruction by the European settlers" and the other says "the food European settlers ate after destroying the native peoples." While cake says "weddings and comfort food," neither of which blend well with archery. Easy as pie, it's all tied up again.

Wine Tasting: Cake seems fitting for a wine tasting, but pies are filled with fruits whose flavors are abundant in many wines. A pie would easily be able to recognize a wine's tastes. Point 3 for the pie.

Racing: The problem here should be obvious. Neither of these two move. At all. Ever. That is, except for this cake. And this cake. And definitely this cake. And it's tied up at 3 each.

Pie Eating: We had to end here, didn't we? A pie in a pie eating contest. As much as I love pie, I can't in good conscience give this contest to pie, because in no way do I promote cannibalism. It's disgusting and shameful...that is unless I'm really hungry, and there's nothing else around, and you look like you might go well with some Chipotle sauce. The cake wins, 4-3.

I don't care how American apple pie is, because this time the dessert of weddings and birthdays all across the nation is victorious. Let them eat cake! And take that goddamn pie out of the sky.
Also, if you liked this post, check out this blog. It's good shit, trust me, and it's also topical considering today's winner.
Coming soon: Republicans Vs. Democrats, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, and Men Vs. Women.
Want to see two awesome things face off? Leave a comment and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flick photo Chocolate Fudge Cake by tracyhunter; http://www.flickr.com/photos/tracyhunter/110294234/in/photostream/)
(flickr photo Apple raspberry pie by Caitlinator; http://www.flickr.com/photos/caitlinator/2971879868/)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Balrog Vs. Shai-Hulud

For those who aren't ninth level nerd dork geek dweebs (which requires a very high prescription of glasses and a very low knowledge of popular culture), this is essentially epic fantasy monster vs. epic science fiction monster.
The Balrog is a fiery demon about twice the size of a man armed with whips and steel-like claws, and comes from J.R.R. Tolkien's mind. It is most commonly recognized for it's Lord of the Rings role as "that thing that kills Gandalf in the first one." Check out this clip for a refresher.
The Shai-Hulud are giant sandworms who can grow up to 400 meters long with a diameter of 40 meters, and potentially larger. Their mouth's are stuffed with sharp and durable teeth. They're the creation on Frank Hubert, and play a major role in one of science fiction's greatest series, the Dune series. It's less likely you've heard of them, so if you haven't, check out this clip to get a basic idea (3:15 is the first glimpse of the worm).
All right, nerds and nerdettes, pause your Legend of Zelda game, and pull out your epic novels so we can find out Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Neither of these two are wine connoisseurs, but a sandworm has no hands, and so he can't lift the wine glass. The Balrog does. Well, I guess he has talons, actually, but close enough. He gets the point for sort of, kind of being able to lift the glass.

Chess: Intelligence is no matter, because the sandworm still can't grasp, and thus, can't play chesss. In most of Leto II's sand worm stages, he could grasp, but that's because of his human side. So since the sandworm can't pick up chess pieces, point two goes to the Balrog and his badass claw-hands.

Racing: The Shai-Hulud are used as a form of transportation, and no one saddles up slow animals. Last time I checked, there aren't too many people hitching up their Galapagos Tortoises, and if there are, someone please tell them to buy a fucking Amtrak ticket or jump on the subway. I'm pretty sure some of the people on those trains are half tortoise anyway, so they'll fit right in. My point: The Shai-Hulud are fast, and so they take this one.

Pie Eating: The size difference between "twice the size of a man" and 400m by 40m is just kind of a big deal. In fact, it's a huge deal. Literally. The Shai-Hulud could eat a ton more pies than the Balrog, tying it up at 2 each.

Archery: But now we come back to that lack of hand-like things with which the sandworm is afflicted. Not to mention that the Balrog is used to handling weaponry. Point three for that great ball of fire.

Fighting: In their respective world's they are both virtually indestructible. And since Tolkein is so vague about the Balrog's physical form and features, and so contradictory depending on what book you read (LOTR or The Silmarillion), and because the sizes of Shai-Hulud vary so much, it isn't easy to accurately predict the outcome of a fight. But the Shai-Hulud is also the name for a metal/punk band influenced by Frank Herbert's creation, and let's be honest, this lead singer is a man who will kick your ass. So the fighting point goes to the overgrown worms of Dune for adding a few more mosh pits to this world.

Swimsuit: I don't know if I can even rate this one, because it's just too sexy. I can barely contain myself as it is, and to describe these two in bathing suits, sensual detail after sensual detail, may just bring me...wait, this isn't Jessica Alba in Sin City Vs. Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four? Giant demon Vs. Giant worm? That's, uh...that's not sexy at all. That's anti-sexy. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Can a worm even wear a bathing suit? I didn't think so. True, the demon's fire would engulf a swimsuit. And the sandworms do live in the sand, and where do we find the highest percentage of bikinis? That's right, on or near sand. It's kind of a weak way to win, but regardless, you deserve it, Shai-Hulud. 4-3.

Maybe this victory will inspire someone to work on a Dune movie that's actually well-made and does the book justice. I know, funny, right? A well-made Dune movie, hahahahahahahaha. Hi-lar-ious. Best joke I've ever told. Let's just hope the Star Trek movie doesn't suck a Vulcan nut.
Coming Attractions: Cake Vs. Pie, Republicans Vs. Democrats, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, and Hollywood Vs. Bollywood.
Have a suggestion? Leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo The Lord of The Rings by Serdal; http://www.flickr.com/photos/serdal/3133167924/)
(flickr photo Dune by ryanrocketship; http://www.flickr.com/photos/ryanrocketship/541928411/)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Cats Vs. Dogs

There are very few competitions that run as deep as the that of history's two most popular pets. From the battle of Oh Fuck Yes I Got this Cat All the Way Up a Tree to the invasion at I'm Going to Smack That Dog in the Face with My Claw Mountain, canine and feline, in reality and in the minds of the humans they live with, have warred.
So, with a fistful of tennis balls and pockets stuffed with yarn, we'll move to the front lines to decide Who's More Awesome.

Racing:
If you take their larger relatives into account, the cat has it, because nothing says fast like a cheetah. But we're not going to take wild relatives into account, because this is about the house pets. And well, dogs have the slender, elongated genes of greyhounds and whippets on their side, and so they take their first point.

Chess: But when it comes to being clever and conniving, the sort of traits that suit one well in chess, cats reign supreme. Plus, couldn't you just see a cat playing chess? Maybe in a smoking jacket, with a little cat pipe filled with catnip? I Can Has Cheezburger, you have a mission, cats and chess, go! Point one for los gatos.

Archery: I'm pretty sure there's absolutely nothing a dog can do with his paws other than walk, run, and give high fives. Cats on the other hand (or paw) can do all sorts of shit. I wouldn't be surprised if someday I found one opening a safe and knitting a sweater at the same time. It's amazing the things they can do and all without any thumbs. They would have much better luck with the mechanics of archery, giving them their second point.


Fighting: Sure this is all hypothetical, but I wouldn't put it past PETA to get hypothetically mad about a hypothetical dog and cat fight (they did where KKK outfits, after all), so we'll keep this one out of any specifics. First shot, I thought cats. They have claws, and they love using them. They're more agile. And they have a bossy attitude. Sure, some cats are frightened of anything that moves, but a tough cat doesn't take shit from anyone or anything, including a dog. Yet there are two road blocks in their way to success. 1.) Size. Although some dogs are smaller than cats, on average, dogs are bigger, and often they're much bigger. Like, big enough that if things got really heavy and an all out fight occurred, they could probably fit a cat in their mouth. Seriously, have you seen a Newfoundland lately? Fucking gigantic. 2.) Packs. Cats work alone. But dogs love large groups. There's strength in numbers, and dogs have numbers. Cats don't. Point two for los perros.


Pie Eating: I go back to the size point made above. Plus cats can be really picky about what they eat, and might turn down a pie if it weren't made by a French chef who went to a prestigious culinary school and has been working in the world's finest restaurant for thirty-five years. Dogs, on the other hand, have been known to eat poop. Point three for the wolf's pampered cousin.


Wine Tasting: Remember how I just talked about the refinement of cats? It applies here, too. I'm pretty sure they hold wine tastings when we're not home anyway. They probably pronounces all the French and Italian words correctly, and swish the wine around for exactly the right amount of time, and say things like astringent and tannin. Damn sophisticated snobs. They tie it at three points a piece.


Swimsuit: Now, I know people like to dress up their pets, but I better not find out about anyone putting bikinis or swim trunks on their dogs or cats, or I'm going to go Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of the first Predator movie on you all. There are some lines you don't cross, and that's one of them. But as I said with Penguin Vs. Monkey, this isn't about swimwear, it's about the sex appeal of a dog to a dog or a cat to a cat. Both these animals seem to get down a lot (hence why spaying and neutering is so heavily advocated). So that doesn't get us anywhere. But, sorry cats, because dogs have a sex position named after them. It's not kittystyle, and so, unfortunately for the felines, dogs are victorious, 4-3. Cats, maybe you should change your name to "reverse cowgirls."


You can spit up hairballs and kick up liter all you want, kittens, but the dogs have this one, so let's give them a treat. Ah ah ah, not until you sit. Good. Stay. Okay, great, you win! And someone keep the cats away from the catnip. I don't want them developing a catnip addiction because they're depressed by their defeat.


And now for a shameless plug for my other blog. I wouldn't do it, except this is probably the only time that the subjects of my two blogs with cross so well. If you liked this post, check out The Things Pets Do, and try it on for size. Wear it around the store a little. It totally wont make you look fat, I promise.
Coming soon to a blog near you: Balrog, Vs. Shai-Hulud, Republicans Vs. Democrats, Cake Vs. Pie, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, and Hollywood Vs. Bollywood.
Have two awesome things that need to be contended? Leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo Tashan by prakhar; http://www.flickr.com/photos/prakhar/2600521281/)
(flickr photo Three Tributes: Updike the Husky by Sapphireblue; http://www.flickr.com/photos/sapphir3blu3/3235526812/)