Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Balrog Vs. Shai-Hulud

For those who aren't ninth level nerd dork geek dweebs (which requires a very high prescription of glasses and a very low knowledge of popular culture), this is essentially epic fantasy monster vs. epic science fiction monster.
The Balrog is a fiery demon about twice the size of a man armed with whips and steel-like claws, and comes from J.R.R. Tolkien's mind. It is most commonly recognized for it's Lord of the Rings role as "that thing that kills Gandalf in the first one." Check out this clip for a refresher.
The Shai-Hulud are giant sandworms who can grow up to 400 meters long with a diameter of 40 meters, and potentially larger. Their mouth's are stuffed with sharp and durable teeth. They're the creation on Frank Hubert, and play a major role in one of science fiction's greatest series, the Dune series. It's less likely you've heard of them, so if you haven't, check out this clip to get a basic idea (3:15 is the first glimpse of the worm).
All right, nerds and nerdettes, pause your Legend of Zelda game, and pull out your epic novels so we can find out Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Neither of these two are wine connoisseurs, but a sandworm has no hands, and so he can't lift the wine glass. The Balrog does. Well, I guess he has talons, actually, but close enough. He gets the point for sort of, kind of being able to lift the glass.

Chess: Intelligence is no matter, because the sandworm still can't grasp, and thus, can't play chesss. In most of Leto II's sand worm stages, he could grasp, but that's because of his human side. So since the sandworm can't pick up chess pieces, point two goes to the Balrog and his badass claw-hands.

Racing: The Shai-Hulud are used as a form of transportation, and no one saddles up slow animals. Last time I checked, there aren't too many people hitching up their Galapagos Tortoises, and if there are, someone please tell them to buy a fucking Amtrak ticket or jump on the subway. I'm pretty sure some of the people on those trains are half tortoise anyway, so they'll fit right in. My point: The Shai-Hulud are fast, and so they take this one.

Pie Eating: The size difference between "twice the size of a man" and 400m by 40m is just kind of a big deal. In fact, it's a huge deal. Literally. The Shai-Hulud could eat a ton more pies than the Balrog, tying it up at 2 each.

Archery: But now we come back to that lack of hand-like things with which the sandworm is afflicted. Not to mention that the Balrog is used to handling weaponry. Point three for that great ball of fire.

Fighting: In their respective world's they are both virtually indestructible. And since Tolkein is so vague about the Balrog's physical form and features, and so contradictory depending on what book you read (LOTR or The Silmarillion), and because the sizes of Shai-Hulud vary so much, it isn't easy to accurately predict the outcome of a fight. But the Shai-Hulud is also the name for a metal/punk band influenced by Frank Herbert's creation, and let's be honest, this lead singer is a man who will kick your ass. So the fighting point goes to the overgrown worms of Dune for adding a few more mosh pits to this world.

Swimsuit: I don't know if I can even rate this one, because it's just too sexy. I can barely contain myself as it is, and to describe these two in bathing suits, sensual detail after sensual detail, may just bring me...wait, this isn't Jessica Alba in Sin City Vs. Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four? Giant demon Vs. Giant worm? That's, uh...that's not sexy at all. That's anti-sexy. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Can a worm even wear a bathing suit? I didn't think so. True, the demon's fire would engulf a swimsuit. And the sandworms do live in the sand, and where do we find the highest percentage of bikinis? That's right, on or near sand. It's kind of a weak way to win, but regardless, you deserve it, Shai-Hulud. 4-3.

Maybe this victory will inspire someone to work on a Dune movie that's actually well-made and does the book justice. I know, funny, right? A well-made Dune movie, hahahahahahahaha. Hi-lar-ious. Best joke I've ever told. Let's just hope the Star Trek movie doesn't suck a Vulcan nut.
Coming Attractions: Cake Vs. Pie, Republicans Vs. Democrats, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, and Hollywood Vs. Bollywood.
Have a suggestion? Leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo The Lord of The Rings by Serdal; http://www.flickr.com/photos/serdal/3133167924/)
(flickr photo Dune by ryanrocketship; http://www.flickr.com/photos/ryanrocketship/541928411/)


  1. Hey...I've been waiting for this...how the hell'd I miss it?

    Anyway, I just KNEW Shai-Hulud would win. And I'd feel offended about the nerd and dweeb comments, seeing as how I suggested this battle, but I'm laughing too much over the swimsuit competition to really care.

  2. But a Sandworm could kind of slurp the wine out of the glass. Or use a straw.

  3. Balrog, hands down...and I have a feeling 'Star Trek' is gonna blow.

  4. I must take issue with so many things about this post.
    First: Sandworm can eat the entire winery and vineyard so, no hands needed.
    B: Screw it, Shai-Hulud wins them all.
    Come on its the source of the spice. That makes it impervious to magic as well as lazer fire and atomics. And worms only answer to Muad'Dib, the one true ruler of the universe.

    hows that for geeking out.

  5. The sandworms actually only answer to leto the second in his sandtrout skin stage of his metamorphasis not Muad'Dib.

  6. The worm would delve deep into the lair
    of the Balrog, coming up beneath him and
    swallowing him, and his lair, whole.

    point to the Old Man of the Desert ...

  7. Uh... Get a life !

  8. I definitely prefer Balrog, owing to the simple fact that it's more informative and interesting, Apart it could help us to increase our knowledge, and Shai-Hulud is more a kind of joke, well that's my viewpoint.
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