Saturday, March 28, 2009

Cake Vs. Pie

No, this has nothing to do with an indie rock band from Sacramento or the number 3.14, although maybe I'll pit the guys who wrote "The Distance" and a never ending number against each other sometime soon. Considering some of the weird requests I get on here, it's very possible.
But this one is more logical: a show down at high noon between the two most famous sweet and delicious dessert pastries of the Western world.
Put your diet on hold and grab a fork and napkin so that we can dig into this one and find out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: I have no idea why I think this, and I really can't explain it at all, but cakes would fight dirty. You know it and I know it. They just seem like they'd be the kind of pastries to throw rabbit punches and knees to the groin, while a pie would play by the rules and be done for in no time. Point one for cakes based on completely illogical reasoning.

Chess: But all the time and careful consideration that goes into pie making and all that painstaking work on the crust is emblematic of a desert that thinks about its each and every move. Pie takes it's first point.

Swimsuit: Sexiness is cake's domain. When was the last time you saw a stripper jump out of a pie? Never, that's when. But a cake? You'd be hard-pressed to find a cake that didn't come with a stripper. Okay, maybe not, but you catch my drift. The cake gets it's second point with almost no effort. A piece of cake.

Archery: There's something old-fashioned about archery and there's something old-fashioned about pie. One says "the weapon native peoples of America used centuries ago to defended against their destruction by the European settlers" and the other says "the food European settlers ate after destroying the native peoples." While cake says "weddings and comfort food," neither of which blend well with archery. Easy as pie, it's all tied up again.

Wine Tasting: Cake seems fitting for a wine tasting, but pies are filled with fruits whose flavors are abundant in many wines. A pie would easily be able to recognize a wine's tastes. Point 3 for the pie.

Racing: The problem here should be obvious. Neither of these two move. At all. Ever. That is, except for this cake. And this cake. And definitely this cake. And it's tied up at 3 each.

Pie Eating: We had to end here, didn't we? A pie in a pie eating contest. As much as I love pie, I can't in good conscience give this contest to pie, because in no way do I promote cannibalism. It's disgusting and shameful...that is unless I'm really hungry, and there's nothing else around, and you look like you might go well with some Chipotle sauce. The cake wins, 4-3.

I don't care how American apple pie is, because this time the dessert of weddings and birthdays all across the nation is victorious. Let them eat cake! And take that goddamn pie out of the sky.
Also, if you liked this post, check out this blog. It's good shit, trust me, and it's also topical considering today's winner.
Coming soon: Republicans Vs. Democrats, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, and Men Vs. Women.
Want to see two awesome things face off? Leave a comment and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flick photo Chocolate Fudge Cake by tracyhunter;
(flickr photo Apple raspberry pie by Caitlinator;


  1. noooooooooooooo.
    pie beats cake any day!

  2. Pie was robbed, robbed I tell you, robbed! Did I mention pie was robbed?

  3. Go cake, co cake! And until pie comes in mounds of gooey chocolate, served with chocolate sauce and a side helping of chocolate, I shall continue to cheer for cake!

    (also, over here, pie is kind of different. We have fish pie and steak pie and the like).

  4. The REAL showdown would be between Chocolate cake and Strawberry-Rhubarb pie. It might be a fight to the death.

  5. Toivoa and Letters: On a whole, I agree with you completely (ice cream cake being the exception) but this isn't about my personal tastes, this is about awesomeness.
    Ann: Fish and steak pie are quite different. Although I am a huge fan of two non-sweet pies (shepherd's and chicken pot pie). And chocolate cake is pretty excellent.
    detroit:Strawberry-Rhubarb does hold it's own well. And you can't deny chocolate cake. Maybe I'll have to do a more specific showdown later.

  6. I can't believe pie lost. This is heartbreaking for me.

  7. Yes!!! Cake prevails. Be it in the form of cupcakes, layers, or sheets; bring a cake substance into the classroom or office and that = a party. But a pie? That would be weird.

  8. Prosy: Sorry.
    Sophisticated: Yeah, you can't really bring a pie anywhere but a fair.

  9. As for the Chess comment, I know that there's a type of pie called Lemon Chess. I don't know of any chess cakes. Double point to pie!

  10. While cake might win in an actual fight, I think everyone I know (proven to be at least 84 people plus 60ish family = 144, the square root of which is 12, so you see what I'm saying here) would agree that there is no arguing that pie is a different entity than cake altogether, well beyond the difference in ingredience (*) and mass and volume. Pie was not created by man. Pie has always existed. Pie will go on long after we are gone.

  11. indefatigable: Not to mention that lemon chess pie looks delicious.
    Monkee: Pie is beyond all reason and rational, but still, for the sake of the competition I had to reduce it to simple dessert. Sorry.

  12. Hey Walter, thanks for the comment and follow...I'm glad cake won this, if somebody tried to give me pie for dessert then I'd have to go Kevin Spacey from "Se7en" on that person's ass.

  13. Now I am building a fantasy around a naked, nicely ab-d man swimming thru a cherry pie. I think I've gone too long without sex. This is, of course, not your problem, but I shall blame your post for reminding me. ~Mary

  14. Brian: It's the only reasonable thing to do. Murder them in a Biblically themed manner. Accurate punishment for low-quality dessert.
    Mary: Sorry about that. The next one is Republicans Vs. Democrats, any political sex fantasies I should be aware of?

  15. Don't quote me on this, for I might be having a senior moment, but I think I remember reading that the crossbow was tested for accuracy during its development by launching small fruit or meat filled pies from it. Fluffy pies weren't considered because of backwash/slipstream know, when the fluffy part flew back into the face of the archer?

    I'm pretty sure I'm correct on this, but if not, I offer you a huge slice of my humble...

  16. Pie could so kick cake's ass. Cake is a frilly nancy-boy with a pudding bowl haircut and knee pants and pie is fruit fortified discus of power that lives in crust. How much more hardcore can you get than living in crust? I'm just sayin . . .

  17. I don't like sweets very well. I know that sounds bizarre, but I just don't. I enjoy cooking and baking, but I don't like seafood or meat either. So, you can imagine what a great host I am, and what a thrill I am when I throw a dinner party. I'm the worst kind of chef, thin and very picky about what I eat.

    Okay, I'll take the pie.

  18. a really yummy face off...
    though i was for pies...

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