Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Cats Vs. Dogs

There are very few competitions that run as deep as the that of history's two most popular pets. From the battle of Oh Fuck Yes I Got this Cat All the Way Up a Tree to the invasion at I'm Going to Smack That Dog in the Face with My Claw Mountain, canine and feline, in reality and in the minds of the humans they live with, have warred.
So, with a fistful of tennis balls and pockets stuffed with yarn, we'll move to the front lines to decide Who's More Awesome.

If you take their larger relatives into account, the cat has it, because nothing says fast like a cheetah. But we're not going to take wild relatives into account, because this is about the house pets. And well, dogs have the slender, elongated genes of greyhounds and whippets on their side, and so they take their first point.

Chess: But when it comes to being clever and conniving, the sort of traits that suit one well in chess, cats reign supreme. Plus, couldn't you just see a cat playing chess? Maybe in a smoking jacket, with a little cat pipe filled with catnip? I Can Has Cheezburger, you have a mission, cats and chess, go! Point one for los gatos.

Archery: I'm pretty sure there's absolutely nothing a dog can do with his paws other than walk, run, and give high fives. Cats on the other hand (or paw) can do all sorts of shit. I wouldn't be surprised if someday I found one opening a safe and knitting a sweater at the same time. It's amazing the things they can do and all without any thumbs. They would have much better luck with the mechanics of archery, giving them their second point.

Fighting: Sure this is all hypothetical, but I wouldn't put it past PETA to get hypothetically mad about a hypothetical dog and cat fight (they did where KKK outfits, after all), so we'll keep this one out of any specifics. First shot, I thought cats. They have claws, and they love using them. They're more agile. And they have a bossy attitude. Sure, some cats are frightened of anything that moves, but a tough cat doesn't take shit from anyone or anything, including a dog. Yet there are two road blocks in their way to success. 1.) Size. Although some dogs are smaller than cats, on average, dogs are bigger, and often they're much bigger. Like, big enough that if things got really heavy and an all out fight occurred, they could probably fit a cat in their mouth. Seriously, have you seen a Newfoundland lately? Fucking gigantic. 2.) Packs. Cats work alone. But dogs love large groups. There's strength in numbers, and dogs have numbers. Cats don't. Point two for los perros.

Pie Eating: I go back to the size point made above. Plus cats can be really picky about what they eat, and might turn down a pie if it weren't made by a French chef who went to a prestigious culinary school and has been working in the world's finest restaurant for thirty-five years. Dogs, on the other hand, have been known to eat poop. Point three for the wolf's pampered cousin.

Wine Tasting: Remember how I just talked about the refinement of cats? It applies here, too. I'm pretty sure they hold wine tastings when we're not home anyway. They probably pronounces all the French and Italian words correctly, and swish the wine around for exactly the right amount of time, and say things like astringent and tannin. Damn sophisticated snobs. They tie it at three points a piece.

Swimsuit: Now, I know people like to dress up their pets, but I better not find out about anyone putting bikinis or swim trunks on their dogs or cats, or I'm going to go Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of the first Predator movie on you all. There are some lines you don't cross, and that's one of them. But as I said with Penguin Vs. Monkey, this isn't about swimwear, it's about the sex appeal of a dog to a dog or a cat to a cat. Both these animals seem to get down a lot (hence why spaying and neutering is so heavily advocated). So that doesn't get us anywhere. But, sorry cats, because dogs have a sex position named after them. It's not kittystyle, and so, unfortunately for the felines, dogs are victorious, 4-3. Cats, maybe you should change your name to "reverse cowgirls."

You can spit up hairballs and kick up liter all you want, kittens, but the dogs have this one, so let's give them a treat. Ah ah ah, not until you sit. Good. Stay. Okay, great, you win! And someone keep the cats away from the catnip. I don't want them developing a catnip addiction because they're depressed by their defeat.

And now for a shameless plug for my other blog. I wouldn't do it, except this is probably the only time that the subjects of my two blogs with cross so well. If you liked this post, check out The Things Pets Do, and try it on for size. Wear it around the store a little. It totally wont make you look fat, I promise.
Coming soon to a blog near you: Balrog, Vs. Shai-Hulud, Republicans Vs. Democrats, Cake Vs. Pie, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, and Hollywood Vs. Bollywood.
Have two awesome things that need to be contended? Leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo Tashan by prakhar;
(flickr photo Three Tributes: Updike the Husky by Sapphireblue;


  1. Yaaaayyy!

    Did you know the greyhound is the second-fastest land animal -- in a sprint? Only the cheetah is faster. (You should see us at the dog park!)

  2. This is easily my favorite blog that no one seems to know about. You need some pimpin'.

  3. Thanks Kurt. I do need some pimpin. And so does my blog, but that a blog pimp is harder to come by. I'll just have to make my blog stand on the street in skimpy html for the time being.

  4. And detriot, I didn't know that, but that';s a really cool fact. I'm not surprised, they're astoundingly fast animals.

  5. I now follow both of your blogs...and I'll vote of dogs any day. Although that polar bear was pretty cute too. Until of course, he eats....well, you get the picture.

  6. I'm glad you liked it. And uh yeah, I uh, definitely know what you mean. Frightening.

  7. My house would crush your "fighting" 50 pound dog gets his ass handed to him on a daily basis by our two declawed cats. Those two little bastards pack hunt the dog around the house and then smack him around until he's shaking and whimpering. Good thing we didn't plan on using him as a guard dog...

  8. I agree. If you were just rating by my pets I'd say you give cats too much credit. I adore my cats, but they are shockingly dimwitted and make my dog look like a genius and that's just embarrassing to the rest of the cat world.

  9. Kate: I have a dog (60lbs) and two cats who would give rise to the same argument. And in most households cats reign supreme over dogs, but if you've seen a dog who doesn't put up with cats being the boss...well, it's scary for the cats.
    Maria: Ha, yeah unfortunately for the rest of the cat world, there are the few mental midgets out there really making them look bad.

  10. I'm so glad dogs won. I'm fairly sure cats are evil.

  11. I love the connotation of cats being snobby and sophisticated wine tasters and chess players. SO true. The line about dogs eating poop made me laugh outloud. Well done! I look forward to Republicans vs. Democrats.

  12. The cats and archery skills- spot on. And some cats do have thumbs- i had a friend with one and it could open doors. NOTHING is freakier than seeing a doorknob sloooowlly turn, and then creak open, and nothing's there but a cat.

  13. I must be impartial on this topic as I am a dual enthusiast.

    I remain steadfast, however, in the view that your blog rocks.


  14. Anna: That's 100% legit. I'm actually a huge fan of both myself, and for very different reasons. But I'm not allowed to be impartial, and this was the end result.

  15. Prosy: Sorry, just read this comment. That is disturbing. The thumbs and the door-opening. Very disturbing.

  16. Cats are like komodo dragons, in that there is a bacterium in their saliva that causes more life-threatening infections than any dog bite. While cats probably wouldn't stalk their infected victim with din-din in mind, they likely would for spite...and for the pleasure of being the last thing you saw when your body hit the floor, just before your brain stopped processing info.

    Dogs, however, have greater jaw strength and can bite through a vital blood vessel, causing one to bleed out, thus rapidly terminating life as you know it. Dogs don't stalk, but they might lap up your blood.

    So, would I want to die the slow, putrifaction death from a cat bite, or the speedy exsanguination caused by dog jaws?

    Decisions, decisions.

    Fun post, Walter! :D

  17. you rock!
    how can you do this? you see MANY things, we just overlook...

    cats being picky about the food and dogs eating...

    enjoyed every word of it...


  18. WOOOOOOW GO CATZ!!!!!!!!

  19. Hey, I've seen cat-dog fights where the dog is 5 or 6 times the size of the cat, and the cat is AT LEAST at a tie. I've seen similar fights where the cats DO win. Come on, give cats fighting credit! (Or add a category for comedy, cats would TOTALLY win that one. Please? xD)

  20. Ok to the guy who said the greyhound is the second fastest in sprint it is not. The second fastest is the gazelle