Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Tri-State Area Vs. New England

Being non-native to either region, there will be no hometown bias. I’m from Los Angeles, which is geographically and culturally pretty damn far from either New England or the Tri-State Area. But I have spent the last five years in various parts of the East Coast, and so I’ve learned pretty quickly that New Englanders hate New York, and New Yorkers forgets that New England exists.
Okay, details.
New England is made up of Maine, famous for lobsters and logging; New Hampshire, famous for a mountain with a face on it (which no longer has that face on it); Vermont, famous for cheese and same-sex marriage; Rhode Island, famous for being small; Massachusetts, famous for elitism, racism, lots of crucial historical events, and having a ton of colleges; and the New England part of Connecticut, famous for not being the New York part.
There are a number of other Tri-State Areas (Chicagoland, for example) but this time we’re talking about the region surrounding New York City. It’s made up of Northern New Jersey, famous for being dirty; the New York part of Connecticut, famous for being rich as shit; and, of course, New York City and a few surrounding counties, famous for being the epitome of a big city amongst a ton of other shit.
All right, slip into your I Heart NYC shirts and your Red Sox hats, it’s time to find out Who’s More Awesome.

Racing: New England has the marathon of all marathons: the Boston Marathon. Point one goes to New England.

Chess: In 1977 Bobby Fischer, a supreme chess badass, won three games against a computer meant to beat him with ease. While Fischer was originally born in Chicago, he lived a majority of his life, including many of his chess-related years in Brooklyn. The computer he kicked the chess shit out of was developed in at MIT in Cambridge, MA. The Tri-State takes chess.

Archery: If there’s a city more obsessed with their sports teams than Boston, I want to know about it so that we can send them psychological help immediately. If archery suddenly became an important sport, and one in which they had a chance of beating New York, New Englanders would spend more 90% of all their region’s money buying the best archery team imaginable. Even if doing so has been one of their main complaints against the Yankees for years and years. Hypocrisy, it’s the American way. Points to New England, 2-1.

Fighting: The Tri-State 100%. Sorry, New England, but hear me out. First, there’s the fact that toughness and assholishness is at the core of the New Yorker stereotype. This combines with the fact that they get people for Newark on their side, too, and Newark is scary as shit. Second, there are the numbers. The Tri-State area will be coming at this competition with a significantly larger army than New England. NYC is the most populous city in the nation, Boston is 21st. The entire city of Boston is smaller than every single NY borough except for Staten Island. Plus The Tri-State has a bunch of fairly populated New Jersey cities, while New England has New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, and Rhode Island, four states that have a total population of about 6. 2-2.

Pie Eating: Pie eating is most definitely a rural event, and besides Boston, New England is most definitely a rural place. New York City and its surrounding areas: not so rural. In fact New York City is really as far from rural as you can get. Point to New England. 3-2.

Swimsuit: Like in fighting, I have to come back to population. The more people you have, the more likely you’ll have a few who look extremely hot in a bathing suit. Plus, where do models, actors and actresses, and other attractive people go to make it big other than LA? That’s right, New York. When was the last time you heard of a model/actress getting their “big break” in Boston? Points to the Tri-State. 3-3.

Wine Tasting: Neither region is exactly a wine powerhouse, but still this one isn’t easy. New England, specifically Massachusetts and Connecticut, has the pretentious snobbery and elitism necessary for wine tasting. But then again, New York can also be pretty damn pretentious when they want to be, too. But then I found this. Guess what, New England? That’s not fucking okay. “Sauvignyoouuk Blanc?” No! Stop that! Seriously, you have an unhealthy obsession with baseball. But more pertinent to this competition, that shit will NOT fly at a wine tasting. Ever. But guess what? The fucking Yankees have a wine too. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? But when you google image search “Red Sox Wine” you get assaulted with wine bottles plastered with steroidal, unshaven faces. On the other hand, when you google image search “Yankees Wine” you only have to see two bottles of wine. As always, google images has the final word. It’s a lame way to win, and a slim victory at best, but points must go to the Tri-State Area for being ever so slightly less okay with baseball themed wine. They win it, 4-3.

Sorry, New England. Get back to me when you start drinking grown up wine, and I’ll think about changing the results.
Coming Soon: Responding to all competition rebuttals, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor, Humans Vs. Animals.
Have an idea for a competition? Leave it in the comments.
(flickr photo RED SOX NATION by Oscalito; photo My latest Yankees cap by wfyurasko;

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Men Vs. Women - Guest Bloggers!

This doesn’t need much of an introduction, because it’s a pretty obvious match up (if you don’t know what men and women are, how the hell are you able to use a computer?) and because you guys wrote it, so why would I need to introduce it to you? Thanks so much to all of you who pitched in, it turned it really super mega extra awesome. You’re all badass motherfuckers as far as I’m concerned.
And for those of who didn’t get a chance to participate but wanted to, don’t worry, we’ll do this again. It turned out surprisingly well considering how confusing I made it initially. It even ended up being much more evenly matched than I figured it would be.
And just a brief warning: the adult-ness of the content varies extremely from section to section depending on who wrote it, so although it’s not like my blog is usually PG anyway, you’ve been warned. Additionally, I claim no responsibility to any opinions in this post, because I didn’t write it. You did, you awesome-ites.
So pause the game and cancel your shopping trip, it’s time to put the classic battle between Men and Women to the test and find out Who’s More Awesome.

Wine Tasting by DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom: It’s been proven that women are more likely to be Supertasters (people with more taste buds than the average person) than men. This fact, along with the increasing number of women getting certified as Master Sommeliers is starting to strengthen the chick power in the wine world. Let’s face it, most dudes see alcohol as a “fun delivery system”. Judging a drink for its complex character or correctness in food matching is a buzz kill. Few men with normal testosterone levels would turn down a “corked” bottle as long as it still had an alcohol content. After enough wine, a guy will drink the spit bucket in the tasting room. If the contest were about quantity, I’d give it to the guys, but since it’s about tasting, score one for the ladies. 1-0 women.

Swimsuits by Molly at The Bumbles: There are plenty of men and women who don't look good in a bathing suit. Guys who wear board shorts with big white bellies hanging out. Ladies who have cottage cheese thighs underneath those one pieces with the skirts. Lets face it - very few of us actually look good in bathing suits. Women are smarter though, or more thoughtful, in hiding their imperfections beneath pretty wraps while the men go jiggling down the beach chasing after a frisbee without a care in the world. But for the sake of this swimsuit competition, lets assume the perfect body. Well - this one is easy folks. It really all boils down to bikinis versus banana hammocks doesn't it? Even a gorgeous man incites cringes in a Speedo. It is just not sexy having those perfect abs overshadowed by that bulging package. On the other hand, a goregeous woman cannot look anything but hot in a bikini. Bulging bosoms are a yes. The women win this competition hands down. 2-0 women.

Achery by Barb: Bows, arrows and shooting shit. From English long bowmen to nativeAmericans firing on horseback, this seems to be the domain of men. Thestrength required to pull a bowstring takes a certain kind of upperchest development, and the need to gut or bury whatever you have justkilled, is not a job designed for high heels. It looks pretty onesided. However, there is one word that could upset William Tell'sapple cart - Amazons. Oh I know what you're thinking. Aren't they a myth? Well, even here onthe interwebs, people only have the courage to refer to them as asemi-myth, as if hordes of one breasted women will descend. But thiswas just one nation state among many. I think for sheer numbers and for going out hunting while us girls lay on the couch, the men win this one. 2-1 women.

Racing by Brian at FrankenFinger: The first race was between Ugh and Thag, Cavemen, running from a saber-toothed tiger. After witnessing this exciting event, other cavedudes thought it would be a good idea to practice outrunning your buddies. So was born the first sanctioned race with a prize of some sort, awarded to the winner at the Devouring of the Looser Luau. Eventually they stopped eating the losers and developed the modern system of berating them.
Not wanting to be one-upped by our ancestors, modern men created the Arms Race. Possibly the most exciting of all races because upon completion everyone wins by extermination and cockroaches eat both the winners and the losers.
There are some great female racers like Shirley Muldowney and Danica Patrick, but for the most part, it’s all dudes. Sorry ladies but this one goes to the men. 2-2.

Chess by Anna at Incoherent Ramblings: Women are smarter than men. This is a fact and I know it’s a fact because I am a woman, therefore I am smart. However, there are different kinds of smart. Women are excellent at multi-tasking. If the game of chess involved planning a birthday party whilst making dinner and trying on shoes, women would ace it. But it doesn’t. Chess requires the kind of single-mindedness that men excel at. That’s why the house could burn down around them during a football game and they wouldn’t notice. Men can focus on one thing, and only one thing, for unnaturally long periods of time.
Also, some research (yes, I researched) has told me that there has never been a female world chess champion.
I so, so wanted women to take this one, but I think the facts speak for themselves and the point has to be awarded to the men. Sorry ladies. 2-3 men.

Pie Eating by Erin: While trying to stay away from the obvious sexual innuendos of whether men or women can eat deeper, faster, who can put more in their mouth, who can eat out the pie first, etc etc etc...(ok that's out of the way) I've put some serious thought into this category. Initially I figured, oh obviously guys will eat more faster and harder (sorry had to) but then after looking at copious amount of data on all you can eat contests, the real gold medal winners of these events are short, skinny, Asians. And on average, woman are shorter, skinner, and WAY more Asian. So for this round, woman get my vote, because historically we CAN put more in our mouths. 3-3

Fighting by Kristine at Wait in the Van: I'm pretty sure you think you know where this is going already. You're thinking, Oh sure, she's going to talk about pulling hair, OH--and totally groin kicks, oh and yeahyeahyeah! that line about two black eyes and telling her twice!
But I'm NOT going to. Because this is a good fight. Because the title of AWESOMENESS is on the line. So, essentially, this is kind of like the movie Kung Fu Panda where shit matters and each opponent has been off in like South America and IndoChina (?) training with secret masters of really funky fighting art forms. Except that it's pretty much going to be an episode of History's Deadliest Warrior or something, and completely unsuitable for viewing by children. But if you've never seen that movie or that show, just ignore that last part and simply understand that this is going to be even more incredible than that time you got really drunk and stumbled into your neighbor's basement instead of your own house (hey, it happens), and walked in on some kind of wicked, disturbing cross-breed of cock-fighting and The Most Dangerous Game.
And if you don't know what The Most Dangerous Game is, well, then clearly you have no idea what I'm talking about. And you're probably not alone. Because I'm pretty confused at this point. In fact, why am I even writing this? Do you really think you DON'T know the winner already?
Essentially this is the scenario: man is stronger than woman.
OHHH! Wait! That's SEXIST! Right, I know: I'm totally not allowed to say that because, whoa! it's so completely offensive and women can be bodybuilders and Ultimate Fighters and can shoot things out of their nether regions and blahblahblah. Listen, this isn't a birth-off competition. This isn't chess. It's fighting. And as much as I like to think that my tits intelligence can outsmart a man's strength, I'm pretty sure he's going to snap my twiggy wrists during the lets-have-a-clean-fight glove tap. And then even the referee is going to be rolling his eyes muttering, "Like we didn't see THIS one coming" while I lay there, whimpering for the medic who promptly scolds me for being so pig headed. And then I'm like, yeah, thanks HUSBAND.
Don't believe me? Let's walk through even the most favorable of pairings:
Woman = She-Ra.
Man = Michael Moore.
She-Ra: By the Power of Graysk---
MM: Listen, don’t give me that skull nonsense. YOU are a mockery to all womankind. You stand there, your tits hanging out--which, they're quite lovely, I'll say--and your skirt barely covering your ass. Do you think I'm really considering fighting you? I'd much rather have sex with you. And the easiest way to have sex with you would be while you're
She-Ra: But I have a fucking sword, you loud-mouthed swine. What do you think you can do to me? Smother me with your moobs?
MM: [Takes off shirt, walks toward She-Ra while tweaking his nipples.]
She-Ra: Oh...[swallowing mouth-barf]...oh please. [Regaining composure. Pushes breasts together and aims sword.] Stand back, you blob of hair and flesh. I AM SHE-RA!
MM: I'm white. I'm male. I make more than you and I never even had to sleep with anyone to do it. AND I LOOK LIKE THIS!
She-Ra: [Eyes filling with tears. Falls to her knees, dropping sword.] My publicist told me I had to come to this or he'd leak that video of me and Skeletor. [Starts sobbing.]
MM: There, there. [Balls up shirt and wets it with ether. Approaches She-Ra.] Let Uncle Moore make it ahhllll better...
Point for the men.
4-3 men.

Wait, we won? Six out of the seven judges were women, and we won? Sweet.
Thank you again to everyone who helped out. I’m so happy about how well this turned out.
Coming Soon: The Tristate Area Vs. New England, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Have an idea for a competition? Leave it in the comments.
(flickr photo A-happy-couple by mando2003us;