And for those of who didn’t get a chance to participate but wanted to, don’t worry, we’ll do this again. It turned out surprisingly well considering how confusing I made it initially. It even ended up being much more evenly matched than I figured it would be.
And just a brief warning: the adult-ness of the content varies extremely from section to section depending on who wrote it, so although it’s not like my blog is usually PG anyway, you’ve been warned. Additionally, I claim no responsibility to any opinions in this post, because I didn’t write it. You did, you awesome-ites.
So pause the game and cancel your shopping trip, it’s time to put the classic battle between Men and Women to the test and find out Who’s More Awesome.
Wine Tasting by DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom: It’s been proven that women are more likely to be Supertasters (people with more taste buds than the average person) than men. This fact, along with the increasing number of women getting certified as Master Sommeliers is starting to strengthen the chick power in the wine world. Let’s face it, most dudes see alcohol as a “fun delivery system”. Judging a drink for its complex character or correctness in food matching is a buzz kill. Few men with normal testosterone levels would turn down a “corked” bottle as long as it still had an alcohol content. After enough wine, a guy will drink the spit bucket in the tasting room. If the contest were about quantity, I’d give it to the guys, but since it’s about tasting, score one for the ladies. 1-0 women.
Swimsuits by Molly at The Bumbles: There are plenty of men and women who don't look good in a bathing suit. Guys who wear board shorts with big white bellies hanging out. Ladies who have cottage cheese thighs underneath those one pieces with the skirts. Lets face it - very few of us actually look good in bathing suits. Women are smarter though, or more thoughtful, in hiding their imperfections beneath pretty wraps while the men go jiggling down the beach chasing after a frisbee without a care in the world. But for the sake of this swimsuit competition, lets assume the perfect body. Well - this one is easy folks. It really all boils down to bikinis versus banana hammocks doesn't it? Even a gorgeous man incites cringes in a Speedo. It is just not sexy having those perfect abs overshadowed by that bulging package. On the other hand, a goregeous woman cannot look anything but hot in a bikini. Bulging bosoms are a yes. The women win this competition hands down. 2-0 women.
Achery by Barb: Bows, arrows and shooting shit. From English long bowmen to nativeAmericans firing on horseback, this seems to be the domain of men. Thestrength required to pull a bowstring takes a certain kind of upperchest development, and the need to gut or bury whatever you have justkilled, is not a job designed for high heels. It looks pretty onesided. However, there is one word that could upset William Tell'sapple cart - Amazons. Oh I know what you're thinking. Aren't they a myth? Well, even here onthe interwebs, people only have the courage to refer to them as asemi-myth, as if hordes of one breasted women will descend. But thiswas just one nation state among many. I think for sheer numbers and for going out hunting while us girls lay on the couch, the men win this one. 2-1 women.
Racing by Brian at FrankenFinger: The first race was between Ugh and Thag, Cavemen, running from a saber-toothed tiger. After witnessing this exciting event, other cavedudes thought it would be a good idea to practice outrunning your buddies. So was born the first sanctioned race with a prize of some sort, awarded to the winner at the Devouring of the Looser Luau. Eventually they stopped eating the losers and developed the modern system of berating them.
Not wanting to be one-upped by our ancestors, modern men created the Arms Race. Possibly the most exciting of all races because upon completion everyone wins by extermination and cockroaches eat both the winners and the losers.
There are some great female racers like Shirley Muldowney and Danica Patrick, but for the most part, it’s all dudes. Sorry ladies but this one goes to the men. 2-2.
Chess by Anna at Incoherent Ramblings: Women are smarter than men. This is a fact and I know it’s a fact because I am a woman, therefore I am smart. However, there are different kinds of smart. Women are excellent at multi-tasking. If the game of chess involved planning a birthday party whilst making dinner and trying on shoes, women would ace it. But it doesn’t. Chess requires the kind of single-mindedness that men excel at. That’s why the house could burn down around them during a football game and they wouldn’t notice. Men can focus on one thing, and only one thing, for unnaturally long periods of time.
Also, some research (yes, I researched) has told me that there has never been a female world chess champion.
I so, so wanted women to take this one, but I think the facts speak for themselves and the point has to be awarded to the men. Sorry ladies. 2-3 men.
Pie Eating by Erin: While trying to stay away from the obvious sexual innuendos of whether men or women can eat deeper, faster, who can put more in their mouth, who can eat out the pie first, etc etc etc...(ok that's out of the way) I've put some serious thought into this category. Initially I figured, oh obviously guys will eat more faster and harder (sorry had to) but then after looking at copious amount of data on all you can eat contests, the real gold medal winners of these events are short, skinny, Asians. And on average, woman are shorter, skinner, and WAY more Asian. So for this round, woman get my vote, because historically we CAN put more in our mouths. 3-3
Fighting by Kristine at Wait in the Van: I'm pretty sure you think you know where this is going already. You're thinking, Oh sure, she's going to talk about pulling hair, OH--and totally groin kicks, oh and yeahyeahyeah! that line about two black eyes and telling her twice!
But I'm NOT going to. Because this is a good fight. Because the title of AWESOMENESS is on the line. So, essentially, this is kind of like the movie Kung Fu Panda where shit matters and each opponent has been off in like South America and IndoChina (?) training with secret masters of really funky fighting art forms. Except that it's pretty much going to be an episode of History's Deadliest Warrior or something, and completely unsuitable for viewing by children. But if you've never seen that movie or that show, just ignore that last part and simply understand that this is going to be even more incredible than that time you got really drunk and stumbled into your neighbor's basement instead of your own house (hey, it happens), and walked in on some kind of wicked, disturbing cross-breed of cock-fighting and The Most Dangerous Game.
And if you don't know what The Most Dangerous Game is, well, then clearly you have no idea what I'm talking about. And you're probably not alone. Because I'm pretty confused at this point. In fact, why am I even writing this? Do you really think you DON'T know the winner already?
Essentially this is the scenario: man is stronger than woman.
OHHH! Wait! That's SEXIST! Right, I know: I'm totally not allowed to say that because, whoa! it's so completely offensive and women can be bodybuilders and Ultimate Fighters and can shoot things out of their nether regions and blahblahblah. Listen, this isn't a birth-off competition. This isn't chess. It's fighting. And as much as I like to think that my
Don't believe me? Let's walk through even the most favorable of pairings:
Woman = She-Ra.
Man = Michael Moore.
She-Ra: By the Power of Graysk---
MM: Listen, don’t give me that skull nonsense. YOU are a mockery to all womankind. You stand there, your tits hanging out--which, they're quite lovely, I'll say--and your skirt barely covering your ass. Do you think I'm really considering fighting you? I'd much rather have sex with you. And the easiest way to have sex with you would be while you're unconscious...so...
She-Ra: But I have a fucking sword, you loud-mouthed swine. What do you think you can do to me? Smother me with your moobs?
MM: [Takes off shirt, walks toward She-Ra while tweaking his nipples.]
She-Ra: Oh...[swallowing mouth-barf]...oh please. [Regaining composure. Pushes breasts together and aims sword.] Stand back, you blob of hair and flesh. I AM SHE-RA!
MM: I'm white. I'm male. I make more than you and I never even had to sleep with anyone to do it. AND I LOOK LIKE THIS!
She-Ra: [Eyes filling with tears. Falls to her knees, dropping sword.] My publicist told me I had to come to this or he'd leak that video of me and Skeletor. [Starts sobbing.]
MM: There, there. [Balls up shirt and wets it with ether. Approaches She-Ra.] Let Uncle Moore make it ahhllll better...
Point for the men.
Wait, we won? Six out of the seven judges were women, and we won? Sweet.
Thank you again to everyone who helped out. I’m so happy about how well this turned out.
Coming Soon: The Tristate Area Vs. New England, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Have an idea for a competition? Leave it in the comments.
(flickr photo A-happy-couple by mando2003us; http://www.flickr.com/photos/51788543@N00/189713200/)