The Contests

Here are the seven types of contest which each set of duelers shall endure...well, hypothetically endure.

Fighting: Battling, hand to hand combating, mano-a-mano head bashing, face-smashing, fist-clashing barroom brawls are classic deciders of superiority, whether you’re a reindeer, a lion, or a sleeveless-shirt wearing martial arts instructor who hate’s Mr. Miyagi, and his stereotypically East Coast Italian protégé, Daniel-San. This category takes strength, speed, endurance, skill, and moment-by-moment decision making, so this is where we’ll start, but certainly not where we’ll end.

Racing: An almost equally classic test of superiority is the race. If you can’t win in a fight, it really doesn’t matter as long as you can outrun your opponent, and so in honor of the Flash and the frighteningly skinny people who win marathons, racing is the second category.

Archery: Simply put, if it’s good enough for Robin Hood, it’s sure as hell good enough for me.

Pie Eating: Persistence, mental toughness, a strong stomach, a good appetite, and a powerful toilet are just a few of the things needed to be a successful pie eater. And as my uncle always said, “So what if you can kick my ass, beat me to the weapons shed, and shoot me square in the head with a bow and arrow? You still can’t eat more fruit-based deserts than I can.”

Chess: It’s not just a way for nerds to feel a sense of intellectual superiority, it’s also a superb test of strategy and long term planning.

Swimsuits: What contest would be complete without a swimsuit portion? The only better way to evaluate beauty is with a naked portion, but that’s just inappropriate objectification. So long as small pieces of cloth cover the parts of the body that are somehow directly involved with either making or feeding a baby, the objectification is tasteful and PG, and that’s just how we Americans like our objectification…except when we’re watching porn, at strip clubs, paying for legal Nevada hookers, or…well yeah, you get the point. Swimsuits: a staple of beach volleyball games, the Olympics, and being judged by your peers.

Wine Tasting: Because refinement is best measured by one’s ability to match smells and tastes with French words. But on some real talk, powerful smelling and tasting senses are serious assets. Just look at bloodhounds and the Iron Chef and you’ll know what I mean.
Plus there’s no spitting out your wine in this tasting, so alcoholic tolerance comes into play as well. And what better way to end a battle for excellence than with drunken refinement?