Sunday, January 25, 2009

Penguin Vs. Monkey

Years ago, in a history class, this kid named Patrick started an argument with this other kid who we’ll also call Patrick, because I can’t remember his name and I like making my stories confusing. Patrick was all about monkeys and he wasn’t about to take Patrick’s penguin-loving bullshit. Not that day, not in that history class. But Patrick was so in love with penguins that he's probably married to one right now, and he was ready shut down Patrick's monkey obsession with the ferocity of a Batman villian played by Danny Devito. So for 20 minutes I listened to these two Patricks have at it like a rabid poodles.
Now, although Patrick and Patrick would never admit it due to Man Law 22 which prohibits describing anything as cute, they were arguing about adorableness. That’s why people like furry tree-climbing primates and the waddling tuxedoed birds. But the question of superior cuteness will never be answered and here’s why:

(flickr photo Baby Gentoo Penguin by Chadica;
(flickr photo Monkey Baby by jamesfischer;

But Patrick, don’t fear (and you don’t fear either, Patrick), because there is one question we can answer about these two: Who is More Awesome.

For this battle of awesomeness we’ll use two standard members of each group: the emperor penguin and the rhesus monkey. With that, Patricks, here we go.

Chess: This one’s easy. A monkey would Bobby Fischer a penguin before the penguin could say, “Holy crap, watch out for that leopard seal.” First, penguins have no way of grabbing a chess piece. They’d flop their chubby little wings on the board and knock all the pieces off. Game over, bird-face. Second, 9 out of 10 dentists agree, monkeys are smarter than birds. So this one goes to the monkeys.

Archery: Another easy on that unfortunately for the avian lovers, also goes to monkeys. Remember all that stuff about penguins not having dexterous hands. Yeah, exactly. And point two for monkeys.

Wine Tasting: But not so fast, you rhesus-pieces. Although monkeys eat many fruits that come into play in a good wine palate, most wine tastings are about looking like you know what’s going on, not actually knowing, and guess what? You can’t throw your own feces around at a wine tasting, you goddamn apes. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Plus, with those cute little tuxes, penguins are dressed for the occasion.
Finally, penguins can be as much as four times as large, and that means a higher alcohol tolerance. Score one for the penguins.

Racing: This one isn’t quite as easy. On land, it’s clearly the monkey, whether he’s knuckling it across the jungle, or swinging through the branches, but in the water, the penguin moves like a rocket. But it’s not all about speed; endurance is also a factor, and in that area, penguins are the clear champions with their yearly mating travels and their ability to stay underwater for 20 minutes.
Finally, even if their waddling doesn’t match the agile hopping or a monkey on land, penguins make up a ton of time by tobogganing on their bellies downhill. Point two for the stars of that Morgan Freeman movie.

Fighting: Emperor penguins can be almost 90 lbs, whereas rhesus monkeys are less than 20. Usually I’d draw attention to Bruce Lee’s scrawniness and make the point that size isn’t the only factor in ass kicking, but when one opponent is more than four times the size of the other, it matters. Bruce Lee never fought someone who was 600 lbs. Point three for the penguins.

Swimsuit: Let’s forget that it’d be completely ridiculous for either of these animals to wear a swimsuit. I mean the penguin's already wearing a tuxedo; you can’t put a bikini or trunks on over a tux. That’s just silly.
This section is really about sex appeal, not beachwear. At first glance the penguin looks strong: the women are able to convince the men to sit on an egg for two months in the cold, huddled in a giant child-raising sausage fest. But when you think about it, that has less to do with the sex appeal of the women, and more to do with the whippedness of the men. Plus the penguins mate in winter, and no one, not even a penguin, wears a swimsuit in the winter
But monkeys don’t just mate in the winter, they mate in the summer, spring, and fall, too. There has to be some serious monkey attraction going on for that to occur. 3-3.

Pie Eating: What better way to end this than with something as truly American as overeating. Although there are obese monkeys in Japan (, after two months of eating nothing and losing half their body weight, male emperor penguins gorge themselves to regain it all in matter of weeks. 4-3.

And so Patrick, I’m sorry to say it, but because of their eating powers, penguins win this one. And Patrick, I’m sure you’re overjoyed to hear that penguins won. It’s settled, and we can all rest easy knowing that Patrick’s right and that Patrick’s wrong.

The rest of you Patricks should suggest another match up, vegetable, mineral, animal, inanimate, fictional, or factual. In the meantime, thanks for reading this, Patricks.



  2. About the swimsuits, monkeys have belly buttons and penguins don't!!

  3. I love penguins the most than all of you guys and BTW all of you are **** heads


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  15. How can a penguin eat a pie or put on a fucking swimsuit??? And a gorilla would rape a penguin in a fight

  16. Even a chimp would fuck it up