They're the two main suburbanite professions. But which is more worthy of bragging about at a Christmas party in a house 20 minutes outside of "the city" filled with all your other middle-aged friends who's children aren't doing anything quite so prestigious? No one really knows, especially not me since I don't have children and if I did they'd be bounty hunters and wolf tamers, not doctors and lawyers. But what I can tell you is Who's More Awesome.
Since the general category of lawyers and doctors is too broad to work with, I've narrowed it down to lawyer and doctor TV tag teams that have absolutely nothing to do with the actual professions, but I make the rules, so deal.
On the side of the doctors is Grey from Grey's Anatomy (Ellen Pompeo) and Doogie Howser from Doogie Howser, M.D. (Neil Patrick Harris). The lawyers are represented by Abbie Carmichael from Law and Order (Angie Harmon) and Denny Crane of Boston Legal (William Shatner).
Chess: This one's too easy. The only participant that matters here is NPH. Doogie is a motherfucking prodigy, he'd school everyone else in chess in a heartbeat (or in an atrial systole, ventricular systole, and a complete cardiac diastole). Point one for doctors.
Achery: I doubt any of these characters have experience with archery, but Grey has long, frighteningly skinny fingers that look like genetically modified string beans, and a big part of archery is how you handle the bow and arrow. So because of an all around lack of archery skill, she takes this one. Point two for the scrub-wearers.
Wine Tasting: Everyone on Boston Legal acts like a child, Doogie Howser is a child, and Ellen Pompeo has the maturity of a high school junior, and so easily the most refined and most able to handle her alcohol is Abbie Carmichael. And the lawyers get their first point.
Racing: Oh come on, this one's way too easy. Sure he's not on Star Trek anymore, but Shatner will always have a little Star Trek in him, and with that in mind, I have two words: warp drive. Tying it up, the JDs now have two.
Fighting: But hang on too your grey slacks, you Johnny Cochran wanna-bes, because the fight is dominated by Mr. Howser. Abbie and Grey are about the same build and have about the same fighting experience, so they'll cancel each other out. Now I know the Shatner has some pretty sweet alien-slapping moves, but Doogie is the one and only NPH. That's right: NPH. He just looks scrappy. Not to mention he's a got a scalpel and he knows all the parts of your body that will bleed most (the whole medical prodigy thing). The MDs are at three points.
Swimsuits: On the female side, Grey closely resembles extraterrestrial life, so Abbie wins. But on the male side William Shatner probably is extraterrestrial life, so Doogie wins. For this one, we'll have to look to the actual profession, and ask ourselves which looks better with a bikini/speedo: a tie or a stethoscope. And the answer is hands down a tie, because there's nothing creepier and less arousing than cold, hard metal and the potential for sickness. Lawyers take three points, and tie the thing up.
Pie Eating: I wish the last contest were more of a challenge, but it's really pretty simple once you look at good old Bill Shatner. That man can pack away a meal, and since Doogie's a kid, and neither Grey nor Abbie look like they've eaten since Reagan was president the lawyers have it. 4-3.
And so for those of you with scalpel in hand, I'm sorry but court is in session and the lawyers just sued the scrubs off you. You can object all you want, but you're better off letting it be and teeing up for a game of golf.
Have any contest recommendations? Leave me a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(Flickr photo Honduras by Army.mil; http://www.flickr.com/photos/soldiersmediacenter/1148977208/)
(Flickr photo Cal Western Opening by maveric2003; http://www.flickr.com/photos/maveric2003/110136967/)