Saturday, October 24, 2009

Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex

I know what you're thinking: "Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex? Is there a difference? You can't have something fight against itself, Walter." Well, sassy reader, in case you didn't hear, scientists and the University of Chemicals and Scientifical Stuff, Department of Enrique, have recently proven that Enrique is in fact separate from sex. It's not hard to see why for so many years we all thought the two were identical. Enrique himself is responsible for more sex than Wilt Chamberlin and Jack Nicholson combined. At birth, his nurse reportedly fainted due to a deep passion in her corazon upon seeing baby Enrique. Enrique gave her his number, causing her to faint again. When she awoke he whispered delicately in her ear, "I'm too young to be your hero, baby, but call me in a four years or so." She fainted again. On top of this, he is indirectly responsible for more sex than even Barry White and Barry Manilow (the Barry's of Seduction, as they're known collectively). Yet it seems that due to a few differences at a chromosomal level, Enrique is not in fact sex, just incredibly similar. And so, we must know decide, Who is More Aweome (chromosomally speaking, that is).

Fighting: Violent sex is rarely a good thing. But occasionally, when between two consenting adults who are into that sort of weird shit, it's okay (but still really weird; I mean, like, wtf right?) But violent Enrique is more than okay, it's awesome. In fact, violent Enrique leads to Jennifer Love Hewitt sexytime, and that's never wrong. Point one to Mr. Iglesias.
Archery: Sex has no hands (there are way too many jokes lying dormant within this phrase for me to even begin to write them), so Enrique wins this too. 2-0 Enrique.
Swimsuit: Sex in a swimsuit? Swimsuits cover all the key components of sex. Enrique takes this one too; 3-0.
Chess: During sex, no one has anywhere near the concentration and mental capabilities required for chess, and if you do, you're doing the whole sex thing wrong. Very wrong. Enrique on the other hand is always thinking, constantly pondering, and a master of chess. 4-0 Enrique.
Racing: I have no idea if Enrique can run all that quickly (although the odds are very high he can outrun a cheetah), I do know that it's a very infrequent thing for fast sex to be good sex. Enrique takes it, for a 5-0 lead.
Pie Eating: Like with chess, if you're eating pies when you're having sex, you're doing it wrong. I mean, I guess some people have weird food fetishes, but even still, Enrique could probably eat more pies if he needed to do so to win. Enrique always wins. 6-0.
Wine Tasting: Speaking of winning, Enrique dominates this one. First, he's from Spain and a ton of super awesome wine comes from Spain. Second, Enrique is a suave motherfucker, and suave motherfuckers never go anywhere without a few $100 bottles of wine one them. 7-0, Enrique.

Usually these competitions are pretty close, but what can I say, sex was just severely outmatched on this one. I mean, really, sex have you seen this video? That motorcycle scene. Come on, you had no chance, admit it.
Hey, readers, I'm back from the deep, dark, and dank depths of non-blogging, so let me know what you want to see face off. Cool beans.
Coming Soon: Responding to all competition rebuttals, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor, Humans Vs. Animals.
Photos from flickr: and