Saturday, October 24, 2009

Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex

I know what you're thinking: "Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex? Is there a difference? You can't have something fight against itself, Walter." Well, sassy reader, in case you didn't hear, scientists and the University of Chemicals and Scientifical Stuff, Department of Enrique, have recently proven that Enrique is in fact separate from sex. It's not hard to see why for so many years we all thought the two were identical. Enrique himself is responsible for more sex than Wilt Chamberlin and Jack Nicholson combined. At birth, his nurse reportedly fainted due to a deep passion in her corazon upon seeing baby Enrique. Enrique gave her his number, causing her to faint again. When she awoke he whispered delicately in her ear, "I'm too young to be your hero, baby, but call me in a four years or so." She fainted again. On top of this, he is indirectly responsible for more sex than even Barry White and Barry Manilow (the Barry's of Seduction, as they're known collectively). Yet it seems that due to a few differences at a chromosomal level, Enrique is not in fact sex, just incredibly similar. And so, we must know decide, Who is More Aweome (chromosomally speaking, that is).

Fighting: Violent sex is rarely a good thing. But occasionally, when between two consenting adults who are into that sort of weird shit, it's okay (but still really weird; I mean, like, wtf right?) But violent Enrique is more than okay, it's awesome. In fact, violent Enrique leads to Jennifer Love Hewitt sexytime, and that's never wrong. Point one to Mr. Iglesias.
Archery: Sex has no hands (there are way too many jokes lying dormant within this phrase for me to even begin to write them), so Enrique wins this too. 2-0 Enrique.
Swimsuit: Sex in a swimsuit? Swimsuits cover all the key components of sex. Enrique takes this one too; 3-0.
Chess: During sex, no one has anywhere near the concentration and mental capabilities required for chess, and if you do, you're doing the whole sex thing wrong. Very wrong. Enrique on the other hand is always thinking, constantly pondering, and a master of chess. 4-0 Enrique.
Racing: I have no idea if Enrique can run all that quickly (although the odds are very high he can outrun a cheetah), I do know that it's a very infrequent thing for fast sex to be good sex. Enrique takes it, for a 5-0 lead.
Pie Eating: Like with chess, if you're eating pies when you're having sex, you're doing it wrong. I mean, I guess some people have weird food fetishes, but even still, Enrique could probably eat more pies if he needed to do so to win. Enrique always wins. 6-0.
Wine Tasting: Speaking of winning, Enrique dominates this one. First, he's from Spain and a ton of super awesome wine comes from Spain. Second, Enrique is a suave motherfucker, and suave motherfuckers never go anywhere without a few $100 bottles of wine one them. 7-0, Enrique.

Usually these competitions are pretty close, but what can I say, sex was just severely outmatched on this one. I mean, really, sex have you seen this video? That motorcycle scene. Come on, you had no chance, admit it.
Hey, readers, I'm back from the deep, dark, and dank depths of non-blogging, so let me know what you want to see face off. Cool beans.
Coming Soon: Responding to all competition rebuttals, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor, Humans Vs. Animals.
Photos from flickr: and

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Where the hell did I go?

Kristine at Wait in the Van recently (and by recently, I mean about a month ago) asked me where I went, and it reminded me that I never got around to writing a "Yo bitches, I'm taking a hiatus" post. So here it is, many months late.
It all started with a call from the CIA on a hot July morning. They wanted to recruit to work as an assassin...on Mars! You see the president of Mars has been secretly sponsoring Mars' largest drug operation, headed by the army of bear-rhinos, and...
Actually I've just been training for a marathon and studying for the GREs. The truth's so lame, comparatively. But, since both of those things are fairly time consuming, I needed to cut something out, and since I wasn't about to put and end to my job, sleeping, eating, or taking care of my dog, blogging got the ax. A big, sharp, smashing ax that took with it not only writing my blog, but also reading other's blogs, since I actually end up spending more time on the later. Sorry, everyone.
Also, my apologies for being so remiss about writing this post. Not-blogging is like doing heroin. At first you're all like, "eh, I'll just do this for a day or two and then I'll write my farewell blog" or "eh, I'll just shoot up once or twice, and then I'll get back to my life as a DEA agent." But two months later you haven't written shit and you're thinking of naming your first born "black tar" or "smack." Or something like that.
But this is all temporary. I hope to be back at this blogging thing again in a few months, as my schedule allows. So don't go nowhere on me (even though I totally bailed on you without so much as even a goodbye high five; basically I'm like the really bad boyfriend of the blogging world who starts cheating on you with another activity and then is all like, "girl, look, I'll be back in like November, and we'll totally knock boots, cause you're like mega hot."). In the meantime, the topic is Nuclear Armageddon, discuss amongst yourselves.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Tri-State Area Vs. New England

Being non-native to either region, there will be no hometown bias. I’m from Los Angeles, which is geographically and culturally pretty damn far from either New England or the Tri-State Area. But I have spent the last five years in various parts of the East Coast, and so I’ve learned pretty quickly that New Englanders hate New York, and New Yorkers forgets that New England exists.
Okay, details.
New England is made up of Maine, famous for lobsters and logging; New Hampshire, famous for a mountain with a face on it (which no longer has that face on it); Vermont, famous for cheese and same-sex marriage; Rhode Island, famous for being small; Massachusetts, famous for elitism, racism, lots of crucial historical events, and having a ton of colleges; and the New England part of Connecticut, famous for not being the New York part.
There are a number of other Tri-State Areas (Chicagoland, for example) but this time we’re talking about the region surrounding New York City. It’s made up of Northern New Jersey, famous for being dirty; the New York part of Connecticut, famous for being rich as shit; and, of course, New York City and a few surrounding counties, famous for being the epitome of a big city amongst a ton of other shit.
All right, slip into your I Heart NYC shirts and your Red Sox hats, it’s time to find out Who’s More Awesome.

Racing: New England has the marathon of all marathons: the Boston Marathon. Point one goes to New England.

Chess: In 1977 Bobby Fischer, a supreme chess badass, won three games against a computer meant to beat him with ease. While Fischer was originally born in Chicago, he lived a majority of his life, including many of his chess-related years in Brooklyn. The computer he kicked the chess shit out of was developed in at MIT in Cambridge, MA. The Tri-State takes chess.

Archery: If there’s a city more obsessed with their sports teams than Boston, I want to know about it so that we can send them psychological help immediately. If archery suddenly became an important sport, and one in which they had a chance of beating New York, New Englanders would spend more 90% of all their region’s money buying the best archery team imaginable. Even if doing so has been one of their main complaints against the Yankees for years and years. Hypocrisy, it’s the American way. Points to New England, 2-1.

Fighting: The Tri-State 100%. Sorry, New England, but hear me out. First, there’s the fact that toughness and assholishness is at the core of the New Yorker stereotype. This combines with the fact that they get people for Newark on their side, too, and Newark is scary as shit. Second, there are the numbers. The Tri-State area will be coming at this competition with a significantly larger army than New England. NYC is the most populous city in the nation, Boston is 21st. The entire city of Boston is smaller than every single NY borough except for Staten Island. Plus The Tri-State has a bunch of fairly populated New Jersey cities, while New England has New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, and Rhode Island, four states that have a total population of about 6. 2-2.

Pie Eating: Pie eating is most definitely a rural event, and besides Boston, New England is most definitely a rural place. New York City and its surrounding areas: not so rural. In fact New York City is really as far from rural as you can get. Point to New England. 3-2.

Swimsuit: Like in fighting, I have to come back to population. The more people you have, the more likely you’ll have a few who look extremely hot in a bathing suit. Plus, where do models, actors and actresses, and other attractive people go to make it big other than LA? That’s right, New York. When was the last time you heard of a model/actress getting their “big break” in Boston? Points to the Tri-State. 3-3.

Wine Tasting: Neither region is exactly a wine powerhouse, but still this one isn’t easy. New England, specifically Massachusetts and Connecticut, has the pretentious snobbery and elitism necessary for wine tasting. But then again, New York can also be pretty damn pretentious when they want to be, too. But then I found this. Guess what, New England? That’s not fucking okay. “Sauvignyoouuk Blanc?” No! Stop that! Seriously, you have an unhealthy obsession with baseball. But more pertinent to this competition, that shit will NOT fly at a wine tasting. Ever. But guess what? The fucking Yankees have a wine too. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? But when you google image search “Red Sox Wine” you get assaulted with wine bottles plastered with steroidal, unshaven faces. On the other hand, when you google image search “Yankees Wine” you only have to see two bottles of wine. As always, google images has the final word. It’s a lame way to win, and a slim victory at best, but points must go to the Tri-State Area for being ever so slightly less okay with baseball themed wine. They win it, 4-3.

Sorry, New England. Get back to me when you start drinking grown up wine, and I’ll think about changing the results.
Coming Soon: Responding to all competition rebuttals, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor, Humans Vs. Animals.
Have an idea for a competition? Leave it in the comments.
(flickr photo RED SOX NATION by Oscalito; photo My latest Yankees cap by wfyurasko;

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Men Vs. Women - Guest Bloggers!

This doesn’t need much of an introduction, because it’s a pretty obvious match up (if you don’t know what men and women are, how the hell are you able to use a computer?) and because you guys wrote it, so why would I need to introduce it to you? Thanks so much to all of you who pitched in, it turned it really super mega extra awesome. You’re all badass motherfuckers as far as I’m concerned.
And for those of who didn’t get a chance to participate but wanted to, don’t worry, we’ll do this again. It turned out surprisingly well considering how confusing I made it initially. It even ended up being much more evenly matched than I figured it would be.
And just a brief warning: the adult-ness of the content varies extremely from section to section depending on who wrote it, so although it’s not like my blog is usually PG anyway, you’ve been warned. Additionally, I claim no responsibility to any opinions in this post, because I didn’t write it. You did, you awesome-ites.
So pause the game and cancel your shopping trip, it’s time to put the classic battle between Men and Women to the test and find out Who’s More Awesome.

Wine Tasting by DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom: It’s been proven that women are more likely to be Supertasters (people with more taste buds than the average person) than men. This fact, along with the increasing number of women getting certified as Master Sommeliers is starting to strengthen the chick power in the wine world. Let’s face it, most dudes see alcohol as a “fun delivery system”. Judging a drink for its complex character or correctness in food matching is a buzz kill. Few men with normal testosterone levels would turn down a “corked” bottle as long as it still had an alcohol content. After enough wine, a guy will drink the spit bucket in the tasting room. If the contest were about quantity, I’d give it to the guys, but since it’s about tasting, score one for the ladies. 1-0 women.

Swimsuits by Molly at The Bumbles: There are plenty of men and women who don't look good in a bathing suit. Guys who wear board shorts with big white bellies hanging out. Ladies who have cottage cheese thighs underneath those one pieces with the skirts. Lets face it - very few of us actually look good in bathing suits. Women are smarter though, or more thoughtful, in hiding their imperfections beneath pretty wraps while the men go jiggling down the beach chasing after a frisbee without a care in the world. But for the sake of this swimsuit competition, lets assume the perfect body. Well - this one is easy folks. It really all boils down to bikinis versus banana hammocks doesn't it? Even a gorgeous man incites cringes in a Speedo. It is just not sexy having those perfect abs overshadowed by that bulging package. On the other hand, a goregeous woman cannot look anything but hot in a bikini. Bulging bosoms are a yes. The women win this competition hands down. 2-0 women.

Achery by Barb: Bows, arrows and shooting shit. From English long bowmen to nativeAmericans firing on horseback, this seems to be the domain of men. Thestrength required to pull a bowstring takes a certain kind of upperchest development, and the need to gut or bury whatever you have justkilled, is not a job designed for high heels. It looks pretty onesided. However, there is one word that could upset William Tell'sapple cart - Amazons. Oh I know what you're thinking. Aren't they a myth? Well, even here onthe interwebs, people only have the courage to refer to them as asemi-myth, as if hordes of one breasted women will descend. But thiswas just one nation state among many. I think for sheer numbers and for going out hunting while us girls lay on the couch, the men win this one. 2-1 women.

Racing by Brian at FrankenFinger: The first race was between Ugh and Thag, Cavemen, running from a saber-toothed tiger. After witnessing this exciting event, other cavedudes thought it would be a good idea to practice outrunning your buddies. So was born the first sanctioned race with a prize of some sort, awarded to the winner at the Devouring of the Looser Luau. Eventually they stopped eating the losers and developed the modern system of berating them.
Not wanting to be one-upped by our ancestors, modern men created the Arms Race. Possibly the most exciting of all races because upon completion everyone wins by extermination and cockroaches eat both the winners and the losers.
There are some great female racers like Shirley Muldowney and Danica Patrick, but for the most part, it’s all dudes. Sorry ladies but this one goes to the men. 2-2.

Chess by Anna at Incoherent Ramblings: Women are smarter than men. This is a fact and I know it’s a fact because I am a woman, therefore I am smart. However, there are different kinds of smart. Women are excellent at multi-tasking. If the game of chess involved planning a birthday party whilst making dinner and trying on shoes, women would ace it. But it doesn’t. Chess requires the kind of single-mindedness that men excel at. That’s why the house could burn down around them during a football game and they wouldn’t notice. Men can focus on one thing, and only one thing, for unnaturally long periods of time.
Also, some research (yes, I researched) has told me that there has never been a female world chess champion.
I so, so wanted women to take this one, but I think the facts speak for themselves and the point has to be awarded to the men. Sorry ladies. 2-3 men.

Pie Eating by Erin: While trying to stay away from the obvious sexual innuendos of whether men or women can eat deeper, faster, who can put more in their mouth, who can eat out the pie first, etc etc etc...(ok that's out of the way) I've put some serious thought into this category. Initially I figured, oh obviously guys will eat more faster and harder (sorry had to) but then after looking at copious amount of data on all you can eat contests, the real gold medal winners of these events are short, skinny, Asians. And on average, woman are shorter, skinner, and WAY more Asian. So for this round, woman get my vote, because historically we CAN put more in our mouths. 3-3

Fighting by Kristine at Wait in the Van: I'm pretty sure you think you know where this is going already. You're thinking, Oh sure, she's going to talk about pulling hair, OH--and totally groin kicks, oh and yeahyeahyeah! that line about two black eyes and telling her twice!
But I'm NOT going to. Because this is a good fight. Because the title of AWESOMENESS is on the line. So, essentially, this is kind of like the movie Kung Fu Panda where shit matters and each opponent has been off in like South America and IndoChina (?) training with secret masters of really funky fighting art forms. Except that it's pretty much going to be an episode of History's Deadliest Warrior or something, and completely unsuitable for viewing by children. But if you've never seen that movie or that show, just ignore that last part and simply understand that this is going to be even more incredible than that time you got really drunk and stumbled into your neighbor's basement instead of your own house (hey, it happens), and walked in on some kind of wicked, disturbing cross-breed of cock-fighting and The Most Dangerous Game.
And if you don't know what The Most Dangerous Game is, well, then clearly you have no idea what I'm talking about. And you're probably not alone. Because I'm pretty confused at this point. In fact, why am I even writing this? Do you really think you DON'T know the winner already?
Essentially this is the scenario: man is stronger than woman.
OHHH! Wait! That's SEXIST! Right, I know: I'm totally not allowed to say that because, whoa! it's so completely offensive and women can be bodybuilders and Ultimate Fighters and can shoot things out of their nether regions and blahblahblah. Listen, this isn't a birth-off competition. This isn't chess. It's fighting. And as much as I like to think that my tits intelligence can outsmart a man's strength, I'm pretty sure he's going to snap my twiggy wrists during the lets-have-a-clean-fight glove tap. And then even the referee is going to be rolling his eyes muttering, "Like we didn't see THIS one coming" while I lay there, whimpering for the medic who promptly scolds me for being so pig headed. And then I'm like, yeah, thanks HUSBAND.
Don't believe me? Let's walk through even the most favorable of pairings:
Woman = She-Ra.
Man = Michael Moore.
She-Ra: By the Power of Graysk---
MM: Listen, don’t give me that skull nonsense. YOU are a mockery to all womankind. You stand there, your tits hanging out--which, they're quite lovely, I'll say--and your skirt barely covering your ass. Do you think I'm really considering fighting you? I'd much rather have sex with you. And the easiest way to have sex with you would be while you're
She-Ra: But I have a fucking sword, you loud-mouthed swine. What do you think you can do to me? Smother me with your moobs?
MM: [Takes off shirt, walks toward She-Ra while tweaking his nipples.]
She-Ra: Oh...[swallowing mouth-barf]...oh please. [Regaining composure. Pushes breasts together and aims sword.] Stand back, you blob of hair and flesh. I AM SHE-RA!
MM: I'm white. I'm male. I make more than you and I never even had to sleep with anyone to do it. AND I LOOK LIKE THIS!
She-Ra: [Eyes filling with tears. Falls to her knees, dropping sword.] My publicist told me I had to come to this or he'd leak that video of me and Skeletor. [Starts sobbing.]
MM: There, there. [Balls up shirt and wets it with ether. Approaches She-Ra.] Let Uncle Moore make it ahhllll better...
Point for the men.
4-3 men.

Wait, we won? Six out of the seven judges were women, and we won? Sweet.
Thank you again to everyone who helped out. I’m so happy about how well this turned out.
Coming Soon: The Tristate Area Vs. New England, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Have an idea for a competition? Leave it in the comments.
(flickr photo A-happy-couple by mando2003us;

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ferrets Vs. Poseidon

Um yeah. I have no idea how these two got matched up, but they did, so I’ll do it. I’m sort of like a blogging slut; I have no standards and I’m down to do whatever you tell me to do. On blogs, that is.

Ferrets. Cute little domesticated mammals, a relative of the weasel, about 20 inches long including their tail, anywhere from 1.5 to 4 pounds, and have a lifespan of 7-10 years. Then there’s Poseidon. The Greek god of the sea and earthquakes.

Here goes nothing. Pull out your weasel leashes and your copy of The Odyssey, let’s find out Who’s More Awesome.

Swimsuit: At first, I saw that Poseidon had about a bagillion kids, and thought, “Okay, to have that many kids, you need to be pretty damn sexy and that’s what the swimsuit competition is all about.” But then I did some more research (fuck yeah, I research for my blog; I have friends, I promise) and found out that pretty much 90% of his kids were the product of rape or date rape. Guess what is definitely, definitely, definitely NOT awesome, Poseidon? If you guessed rape, then you’re correct, you creepy son of a bitch. Plus, you remember Medusa? The women with snakes for hair? Well apparently she used to be super duper hot, and then Poseidon did the sex with her in the alter of Athena, and when Athena found out she turned Medusa into the monster we all know now. But no punishment for Poseidon. Way to leave Medusa hanging, Poseidon. Sounds like you’re a real nice guy; really, a fucking winner. So yes, a ferret is going to beat you in the sexiness competition. A goddamn ferret. That’s what you get for being an asshole rapist. In fact, really, your punishment should be a lot worse than being beaten by a ferret in sexiness, but you’re a god, and so like the wealthy, you get away with things you really shouldn’t. If I awarded negative points, I’d give you a couple hundred of them now, but I don’t, so consider yourself lucky. Point to the ferrets.

Fighting: Ferrets. I don’t care that you’re the god of the ocean, Poseidon, because check out this war dance that ferrets do. Those badass little moves are called the weasel war dance, and they’re the reason Poseidon’s gonna get his salt-watery ass handed to him. Point two for ferrets.

Chess: But credit where credit is due, and Poseidon is significantly smarter than a ferret. Point one for him.

Wine Tasting: I know you’re not the god of wine, but wine is a godly thing, so I’ll give you points for this one too, Poseidon. Tied at twos.

Racing: Yes, Poseidon is incredibly fast in the water. But on land, he’s shit. Ferrets on the other hand are quick little weasels on land or water. Points to the cute little furry dudes.

Archery: Ferrets have no hands to grasp a bow and arrow with, so by default, Poseidon takes this one.

Pie Eating: Well it’s tied, and we’re on a tough one. On one hand Poseidon is bigger and could probably eat more. Plus he and the rest of the gods were always getting random foods and lives sacrificed to them back in the day. On the other hand, ferrets would just love to nab a pie and devour that shit. Also, on the other hand, Poseidon is still a shit-eating rapist, and rapists aren’t allowed to win my competitions. This point goes to the ferrets and they win, 4-3.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming, but hey, ferrets do kick ass. Their awesomisity level has always been quite high.

Coming Soon: Men Vs. Women, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Competition suggestions? Leave a comment.

(flickr photo peeking by theogeo;

(flickr photo Poseidon by boboroshi;

Friday, May 29, 2009

Guest Blogger Final Update

Here it is, peoples, the final list of guest bloggers. Man, this is the most frequently I've posted since this blog was started, and none of it involves me saying things like "Monkeys are sexy in bathing suits" and "They eat less pies than an anorexic in a hunger protest."
Anna Russell: Chess
Diary of a Mad Bathroom: Wine Tasting
Erin: Pie Eating
The Bumbles: Swimsuit
FrankenFinger: Racing
Barb: Archery
Kristine: Fighting
Thanks to everyone who agreed to help out. Let's do this shit!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Guest Blogging Update

Despite my incoherence and the confusing way I went about this guest blogging thing, yesterday's proposal is going better than expected. But I still need (or want) one more guest blogger. So to help anyone who's keeping track keep track, here's the update.
Anna Russell: Chess
Diary of a Mad Bathroom: Wine Tasting
Erin: Pie Eating
The Bumbles: Swimsuit
FrankenFinger and Barb: Whatever they want of what remains.
So Barb, FrankenFinger, and the mysterious person who's totally going to volunteer after they read this, because they want nothing more than to write a paragraph for an utterly pointless blog, here's what remains: Fighting, Racing, and Archery.
For those of you who have signed up already, no rush on getting me your paragraph, but just to set some sort of deadline, why don't we say by next Monday at the latest?

For those of you who have no clue what's going on, please see yesterday's post (and my comments in that post, if the post still doesn't explain it to you). Basically, one of the competitions suggested for this blog's hypothetical battles was Men Vs. Women, and I'm asking readers to guest blog that one instead of me being the judge as usual. Hopefully, a total of seven readers will contribute, each taking a section (the things listed above) of the battle. It turns out I made this more confusing that it needed to be, so if you don't exactly get it, just ask, and I'd be happy to try to explain. Thanks.