Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ferrets Vs. Poseidon

Um yeah. I have no idea how these two got matched up, but they did, so I’ll do it. I’m sort of like a blogging slut; I have no standards and I’m down to do whatever you tell me to do. On blogs, that is.

Ferrets. Cute little domesticated mammals, a relative of the weasel, about 20 inches long including their tail, anywhere from 1.5 to 4 pounds, and have a lifespan of 7-10 years. Then there’s Poseidon. The Greek god of the sea and earthquakes.

Here goes nothing. Pull out your weasel leashes and your copy of The Odyssey, let’s find out Who’s More Awesome.

Swimsuit: At first, I saw that Poseidon had about a bagillion kids, and thought, “Okay, to have that many kids, you need to be pretty damn sexy and that’s what the swimsuit competition is all about.” But then I did some more research (fuck yeah, I research for my blog; I have friends, I promise) and found out that pretty much 90% of his kids were the product of rape or date rape. Guess what is definitely, definitely, definitely NOT awesome, Poseidon? If you guessed rape, then you’re correct, you creepy son of a bitch. Plus, you remember Medusa? The women with snakes for hair? Well apparently she used to be super duper hot, and then Poseidon did the sex with her in the alter of Athena, and when Athena found out she turned Medusa into the monster we all know now. But no punishment for Poseidon. Way to leave Medusa hanging, Poseidon. Sounds like you’re a real nice guy; really, a fucking winner. So yes, a ferret is going to beat you in the sexiness competition. A goddamn ferret. That’s what you get for being an asshole rapist. In fact, really, your punishment should be a lot worse than being beaten by a ferret in sexiness, but you’re a god, and so like the wealthy, you get away with things you really shouldn’t. If I awarded negative points, I’d give you a couple hundred of them now, but I don’t, so consider yourself lucky. Point to the ferrets.

Fighting: Ferrets. I don’t care that you’re the god of the ocean, Poseidon, because check out this war dance that ferrets do. Those badass little moves are called the weasel war dance, and they’re the reason Poseidon’s gonna get his salt-watery ass handed to him. Point two for ferrets.

Chess: But credit where credit is due, and Poseidon is significantly smarter than a ferret. Point one for him.

Wine Tasting: I know you’re not the god of wine, but wine is a godly thing, so I’ll give you points for this one too, Poseidon. Tied at twos.

Racing: Yes, Poseidon is incredibly fast in the water. But on land, he’s shit. Ferrets on the other hand are quick little weasels on land or water. Points to the cute little furry dudes.

Archery: Ferrets have no hands to grasp a bow and arrow with, so by default, Poseidon takes this one.

Pie Eating: Well it’s tied, and we’re on a tough one. On one hand Poseidon is bigger and could probably eat more. Plus he and the rest of the gods were always getting random foods and lives sacrificed to them back in the day. On the other hand, ferrets would just love to nab a pie and devour that shit. Also, on the other hand, Poseidon is still a shit-eating rapist, and rapists aren’t allowed to win my competitions. This point goes to the ferrets and they win, 4-3.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming, but hey, ferrets do kick ass. Their awesomisity level has always been quite high.

Coming Soon: Men Vs. Women, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Competition suggestions? Leave a comment.

(flickr photo peeking by theogeo;

(flickr photo Poseidon by boboroshi;


  1. I fucking love this post, even the word ferret is good to say aloud, say it, fer-ret, so good...

  2. Riki Tiki Tavi rocks the house!

    Go ferrets!


  3. Riki was a mongoose, but not to worry, he's just as cool as the ferrets. Poseidon was a bit of shit.

    Great post, Walter.

  4. This is true, but I was hard pressed to come up with the name of a famous ferret. I took a little license ;)

  5. I think this match up is the best one so far. And it totally makes sense because both naturally repel water from their skin.

  6. Letters: Haha, it really is a an excellent word, isn't it?
    DG: You're actually not too far off with the Riki reference. In most live action movies that feature a Mongoose (Casino Royale is the best example) they actually use ferrets to play the mongoose, you know because mongooses are fucking crazy and untrainable and will rip you a new one.
    Barb: Thanks.
    Kurt: I agree. It's the least logical so far (other than the whole obvious water repelant fact), but it's the one I most enjoyed writing. Probably because it's so illogical.

  7. Oh man, this is one of the oddest (yet wonderfulest) things I've read in ages.

    Walter, I salute you.

  8. I love animals but ferrets scare me(was bitten by one) & smell like a ripe trash can.
    Wine tasting is much better than ferret tasting. A little ferret bruschetta? Just say no. ~Mary

  9. Anna: Why, thanks you (blushes like school girl).
    FrankandMary: Haha, they do smell, and they can be nippy. But the look so damn adorable.

  10. Just came over here from Subliminal Intervention, and the kids and I (teenagers)loved this match-up! Your final diatribe on why the ferret wins on sexiness is wonderfully well-written.

  11. Poseidon always and forever will out-class and out-fuck anybody... even Zeus gets out of the way when Poseidon comes strutting through the halls...and the trident? Who is going to argue with the trident? I would carry a trident everywhere if I could because I know it would make me look like a star...

  12. Furr-its. Gotta love 'em.

    First time reader. Nice blog!

  13. Ferrets rule, they're one of my favorite animals(I think cats are better, though), but at least Posideon isn't as bad as Zeus. Zeus was a rapist AND cut his dad's head off. Well, his dad also ate his children alot... Like those pizza rolls.

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