Friday, May 8, 2009

The JLA Vs. The Avengers

The foremost DC comics superhero team (The JLA or Justice League of America) against the foremost Marvel comics superhero team (The Avengers). A comic book nerd's wet dream, and let me say, my dreams have been soaked lately thinking about this competition. That came out wrong, didn't it?
The main problem with this face off is the fluidity of the teams' rosters. They constantly change membership, and as much as I'd love to include every single member ever a part of each team, that would leave me with somewhere around a billion JLA heros and 25 billion Avengers. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get my point. So I've narrowed it down to the most consistent and essential members.
The JLA is Superman, Batman, Aquaman, The Flash, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter.
The Avengers are Captain America, Thor, Wasp, Giant-Man (Henry Pym), Iron Man, and Hawkeye.
And I know The Avengers have one less person on their team, but I think having Thor, who's a god and all sort of makes up for it. I mean Superman and Martian Manhunter are pretty fucking powerful, but they're not god status.
So put on the bat signal, find a telephone booth to change in, power up your suit, and grab the Mjolnir, because we're about to find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: I started with an easy one. Hawkeye all the way. That's what he does. You know that Rick Ross song Hustlin'? Well replace "hustlin'" with "archery(in')" and the song could have been written by Hawkeye. And I know sometimes the Green Arrow is in the JLA, and maybe I should have included him here, but I didn't so deal with it. Point one for The Avengers.

Racing: The Flash. It's only fair. I know, I know, it's highly possible that Superman, Martain Manhunter, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and on the other side of things Thor and Iron Man are actually faster, but speed is all The Flash has. Let's not strip him of his dignity just for the sake of fake competition accuracy. Have a fucking heart people. The point goes to The JLA.

Pie Eating: Henry Pym in his Giant-Man form has this one easily. When you're sixty-feet tall, you can eat a lot of pies. Point two for The Avengers.

Swimsuit: But not so fast Marvel, because Wonder Woman is a super hot girl wearing what is essentially a swimsuit. Yes, Wasp is pretty damn hot, too, but she's not wearing a swimsuit, and Wonder Woman is a much better superhero: speed, strength, invulnerability, flight, a boomeranging tiara, communication with animals, and a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Awesome! Compare that to Wasp who can shrink really small, fly (with wings, not magically like Wonder Woman), shoot littler stinger blasts, and communicate with insects (not badass and occasionally cute and cuddly animals; ugly, gross, tiny insects). Plus, there's Aquaman who's basically wearing a permanent swimsuit since he's always in the water and totally digging it. Point two for the JLA.

Wine Tasting: As far as familiarity with the whole wine tasting process goes, The JLA has Bruce Wayne (Batman) and The Avengers have Tony Stark (Iron Man). Both of these guys are snazzy rich motherfuckers who probably go wine tasting more often than they take a piss. But wine tasting under my rules is also about tolerance since there's none of that wasteful spitting the wine out like a spoiled brat who doesn't like their dinner bullshit. And that's where Captain America, who is impervious to the affects of alcohol and thus has a limitless tolerance, comes in. Point three for The Avengers.

Fighting: With Thor on one side and Superman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Wonder Woman on the other, this fight could go on until the end of time. And I don't mean the 2pac end of time I mean the apocalypse end of time. But fortunately we don't need a full on battle, because the JLA gets an honorary victory for having Batman on their team, solely because of this super badass Chinese prison fight scene from Batman Begins. Point three for The JLA.

Chess: The only JLA member known for intelligence is Batman. That's not to say the rest are idiots, just that none of them have reputations as mental giants. But the Avengers have two scientific geniuses (Giant-Man and Iron Man) and one militaristic genius (Captain America). And so The Avengers take the competition, 4-3.

Even with their roster cut, The Avengers still came out on top. Sorry, DC, please don't take it personally. You guys were and always will be my first comic book love. But you know, a competition's a competition, and you lost.
Awesome match ups of the future: Babies Vs. Old People, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
If you have suggestions, leave them in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo jla_avengers by nijin;


  1. Ooooooooh. I am way out of my depth here. I'm just going to say YES! Nailed it, for I know no better.

    When the competition turns back to food or celebrities I will be back with a more meaningful commentary.

    Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley anyone????

  2. Nooooooooo! DC always beats Marvel. Always! I think the JLA would take chess because Batman alone is all with the scary brains, plus, Wonder Woman is a warrior princess who knows more than a thing or two about strategy. PLus, Martian Manhunter's telepathy would be very useful in figuring out their opponents move.


    (I am such a geek)

  3. Anna is right, JLA win this.


    Superman is flying over a building one day and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on the rooftop, legs spread wide open. Well, he's horny so he decides to fly down ultra-fast so she won't see him and give her a super-speed shagging. He swoops down, pounds away, and flys off, all in the blink of an eye.

    Wonder Woman, eyes wide open and astonished asks: "What in the hell was that?!?"

    And the Invisible Man says: "I have no idea, but my ass is fucking KILLING me."

  4. Anna: Because this is like one of four competitions on here where I actually value accuracy, let me get back to you on that one. Wonder Woman's amazonian warrior past had completely slipped my mind in judging that contest and you're right,s he might be just as militaristically qualified at Captain America (or more so). A Martian's telepahty is a big plus too. Now I've also got to consider Thor's war experience, too. Let me get back to you, I may very well make a change. (I'm just as much of a geek, so don't sweat it).
    Brian: A classic joke. I feel like I first heard that one on the elementary school playground. If it weren't for superheros, I may never have been introduced to the topics of quickies, rape, and butt sex at such and early age.

  5. HAHA- Poor Flash. Must be sensitive to his feelings.

    I would like to see Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson sometime

  6. Or Jessica Simpson vs a goldfish

  7. Jessica Simpson vs small inanimate object of your choosing. No wait...still a landslide victory for any other thing that you might have chosen.

    I have no comment about this VS. The second I started to contemplate this one my mind started to fill with so much of the "saidin" the "One Power" I thought I was going to die.

  8. this fight will be legendary, nobody survive after this match, all the heroes will die in a terrible combat, I want to see this I can't wait to see Superman VS Thor, my God what a fight.

  9. I think this combat would be win by Marvel characters, due to the fact they have more powers and apart they are more characters, what do you think?