The JLA Vs. The Avengers

The foremost DC comics superhero team (The JLA or Justice League of America) against the foremost Marvel comics superhero team (The Avengers). A comic book nerd's wet dream, and let me say, my dreams have been soaked lately thinking about this competition. That came out wrong, didn't it?
The main problem with this face off is the fluidity of the teams' rosters. They constantly change membership, and as much as I'd love to include every single member ever a part of each team, that would leave me with somewhere around a billion JLA heros and 25 billion Avengers. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get my point. So I've narrowed it down to the most consistent and essential members.
The JLA is Superman, Batman, Aquaman, The Flash, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter.
The Avengers are Captain America, Thor, Wasp, Giant-Man (Henry Pym), Iron Man, and Hawkeye.
And I know The Avengers have one less person on their team, but I think having Thor, who's a god and all sort of makes up for it. I mean Superman and Martian Manhunter are pretty fucking powerful, but they're not god status.
So put on the bat signal, find a telephone booth to change in, power up your suit, and grab the Mjolnir, because we're about to find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: I started with an easy one. Hawkeye all the way. That's what he does. You know that Rick Ross song Hustlin'? Well replace "hustlin'" with "archery(in')" and the song could have been written by Hawkeye. And I know sometimes the Green Arrow is in the JLA, and maybe I should have included him here, but I didn't so deal with it. Point one for The Avengers.

Racing: The Flash. It's only fair. I know, I know, it's highly possible that Superman, Martain Manhunter, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and on the other side of things Thor and Iron Man are actually faster, but speed is all The Flash has. Let's not strip him of his dignity just for the sake of fake competition accuracy. Have a fucking heart people. The point goes to The JLA.

Pie Eating: Henry Pym in his Giant-Man form has this one easily. When you're sixty-feet tall, you can eat a lot of pies. Point two for The Avengers.

Swimsuit: But not so fast Marvel, because Wonder Woman is a super hot girl wearing what is essentially a swimsuit. Yes, Wasp is pretty damn hot, too, but she's not wearing a swimsuit, and Wonder Woman is a much better superhero: speed, strength, invulnerability, flight, a boomeranging tiara, communication with animals, and a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Awesome! Compare that to Wasp who can shrink really small, fly (with wings, not magically like Wonder Woman), shoot littler stinger blasts, and communicate with insects (not badass and occasionally cute and cuddly animals; ugly, gross, tiny insects). Plus, there's Aquaman who's basically wearing a permanent swimsuit since he's always in the water and totally digging it. Point two for the JLA.

Wine Tasting: As far as familiarity with the whole wine tasting process goes, The JLA has Bruce Wayne (Batman) and The Avengers have Tony Stark (Iron Man). Both of these guys are snazzy rich motherfuckers who probably go wine tasting more often than they take a piss. But wine tasting under my rules is also about tolerance since there's none of that wasteful spitting the wine out like a spoiled brat who doesn't like their dinner bullshit. And that's where Captain America, who is impervious to the affects of alcohol and thus has a limitless tolerance, comes in. Point three for The Avengers.

Fighting: With Thor on one side and Superman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Wonder Woman on the other, this fight could go on until the end of time. And I don't mean the 2pac end of time I mean the apocalypse end of time. But fortunately we don't need a full on battle, because the JLA gets an honorary victory for having Batman on their team, solely because of this super badass Chinese prison fight scene from Batman Begins. Point three for The JLA.

Chess: The only JLA member known for intelligence is Batman. That's not to say the rest are idiots, just that none of them have reputations as mental giants. But the Avengers have two scientific geniuses (Giant-Man and Iron Man) and one militaristic genius (Captain America). And so The Avengers take the competition, 4-3.

Even with their roster cut, The Avengers still came out on top. Sorry, DC, please don't take it personally. You guys were and always will be my first comic book love. But you know, a competition's a competition, and you lost.
Awesome match ups of the future: Babies Vs. Old People, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
If you have suggestions, leave them in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo jla_avengers by nijin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/geneandshari/1350974721/)

Batman Vs. Wolverine

Angry excessively-muscular comic book hero versus angry excessively-muscular comic book hero with claws. When a friend requested this competition, my nerdy heart sped up like a hummingbird on crack, because I've been a fan of both Batman and Wolverine long before Christian Bale saw the inside of the batsuit or Hugh Jackman donned adamantium claws. Unlike most American boys, I declined heterosexual man crushes on athletes, realizing that it doesn't matter how many touchdowns you have, you're still not gonna get by a set of claws or a batmobile. And so my heterosexual man crushes were focused on disturbed vigilantes in tights. And with those dork credentials stated, let's get this underway, and decide Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Batman (or more accurately, Bruce Wayne) looks the part. Rich, sophisticated, suits with a higher price tag than a bailout. But wolverine, who would have to be dragged in to a wine tasting kicking and clawing, has supernaturally powerful senses, and so, wolverine snatches this one out from under the caped crusader, getting his first point.

Chess: Hold your horses, Logan lovers, because the Bats dominates in Chess. He's a planner and thinker. Wolverine, on the other hand, says things like "bub" and hits on the girlfriend of the guy who shoots lasers out of his eyes; not really thinking things through. Batman ties it up.

Fighting: Remember the scene in the beginning of the first X-Men movie in which Wolverine is cage fighting someone in a bar in some blizzardy town in the middle of nowhere? Yeah, exactly. Point two of Wolverine.

Swimsuit: Again, let's refer to the movies. Do you remember the scene in Batman Begins in which Bruce Wayne jumps into pool in a fancy restaurant while wearing a suit? When you're swimsuit is an actual suit, you're a baller (I tried to find one, but there is no better word than "baller" to describe swimming in a suit). And so, it's tied up again.

Pie Eating: Doesn't wolverine just look like the kind of guy who could dominate an eating contest? Plus, those mutant animal instincts have to give him some mutant animal hunger. Wolverine regains the lead.

Archery: Wolverine's keen senses are a huge advantage here, but nothing beats experience, and after years of accurately firing grappling gun after grappling gun, I've got my money on Batman. And so faster than you can say, "What the fuck is it with you?" things are all tied up again.

Racing: Forget who runs faster, what matters here is who could run faster. What's their motivation to run like hell? For Batman it's a creepy guy who wears make up, a short guy often compared to an arctic bird, and a guy with half his face burnt off. But for Wolverine it's a hairy manimal who named himself after an ancient tiger and a flying human-hater who can bend metal, which is what encases Wolverine's entire bone structure. I think Wolverine has more reason to hightail it. 4-3, Wolverine.

Tell Hugh Jackman to celebrate a little extra at the Oscars, because he just clawed his way to the top, burying a very angry Welsh actor below him
Coming attractions: Penis Vs. Vagina (hey, like I said before, I don't make them up; also, still no clue how I'm going to do this one without crossing over the adult content line) and, on a much more PG note, Cats Vs. Dogs.
Leave any competition suggestions in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo Wolverine - Mighty Muggs by chanchan222; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chanchan222/2847443980/in/set-72157607220448452/)
(flickr photo Batman by chanchan222; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chanchan222/2971258613/)

Penguin Vs. Monkey

Years ago, in a history class, this kid named Patrick started an argument with this other kid who we’ll also call Patrick, because I can’t remember his name and I like making my stories confusing. Patrick was all about monkeys and he wasn’t about to take Patrick’s penguin-loving bullshit. Not that day, not in that history class. But Patrick was so in love with penguins that he's probably married to one right now, and he was ready shut down Patrick's monkey obsession with the ferocity of a Batman villian played by Danny Devito. So for 20 minutes I listened to these two Patricks have at it like a rabid poodles.
Now, although Patrick and Patrick would never admit it due to Man Law 22 which prohibits describing anything as cute, they were arguing about adorableness. That’s why people like furry tree-climbing primates and the waddling tuxedoed birds. But the question of superior cuteness will never be answered and here’s why:

(flickr photo Baby Gentoo Penguin by Chadica; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chadica/2070546832/)
(flickr photo Monkey Baby by jamesfischer; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jimfischer/344186798/)

But Patrick, don’t fear (and you don’t fear either, Patrick), because there is one question we can answer about these two: Who is More Awesome.

For this battle of awesomeness we’ll use two standard members of each group: the emperor penguin and the rhesus monkey. With that, Patricks, here we go.


Chess: This one’s easy. A monkey would Bobby Fischer a penguin before the penguin could say, “Holy crap, watch out for that leopard seal.” First, penguins have no way of grabbing a chess piece. They’d flop their chubby little wings on the board and knock all the pieces off. Game over, bird-face. Second, 9 out of 10 dentists agree, monkeys are smarter than birds. So this one goes to the monkeys.

Archery: Another easy on that unfortunately for the avian lovers, also goes to monkeys. Remember all that stuff about penguins not having dexterous hands. Yeah, exactly. And point two for monkeys.

Wine Tasting: But not so fast, you rhesus-pieces. Although monkeys eat many fruits that come into play in a good wine palate, most wine tastings are about looking like you know what’s going on, not actually knowing, and guess what? You can’t throw your own feces around at a wine tasting, you goddamn apes. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Plus, with those cute little tuxes, penguins are dressed for the occasion.
Finally, penguins can be as much as four times as large, and that means a higher alcohol tolerance. Score one for the penguins.

Racing: This one isn’t quite as easy. On land, it’s clearly the monkey, whether he’s knuckling it across the jungle, or swinging through the branches, but in the water, the penguin moves like a rocket. But it’s not all about speed; endurance is also a factor, and in that area, penguins are the clear champions with their yearly mating travels and their ability to stay underwater for 20 minutes.
Finally, even if their waddling doesn’t match the agile hopping or a monkey on land, penguins make up a ton of time by tobogganing on their bellies downhill. Point two for the stars of that Morgan Freeman movie.

Fighting: Emperor penguins can be almost 90 lbs, whereas rhesus monkeys are less than 20. Usually I’d draw attention to Bruce Lee’s scrawniness and make the point that size isn’t the only factor in ass kicking, but when one opponent is more than four times the size of the other, it matters. Bruce Lee never fought someone who was 600 lbs. Point three for the penguins.

Swimsuit: Let’s forget that it’d be completely ridiculous for either of these animals to wear a swimsuit. I mean the penguin's already wearing a tuxedo; you can’t put a bikini or trunks on over a tux. That’s just silly.
This section is really about sex appeal, not beachwear. At first glance the penguin looks strong: the women are able to convince the men to sit on an egg for two months in the cold, huddled in a giant child-raising sausage fest. But when you think about it, that has less to do with the sex appeal of the women, and more to do with the whippedness of the men. Plus the penguins mate in winter, and no one, not even a penguin, wears a swimsuit in the winter
But monkeys don’t just mate in the winter, they mate in the summer, spring, and fall, too. There has to be some serious monkey attraction going on for that to occur. 3-3.

Pie Eating: What better way to end this than with something as truly American as overeating. Although there are obese monkeys in Japan (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-564082/Pictured-The-chunky-monkeys-diet-overfed-tourists.html), after two months of eating nothing and losing half their body weight, male emperor penguins gorge themselves to regain it all in matter of weeks. 4-3.

And so Patrick, I’m sorry to say it, but because of their eating powers, penguins win this one. And Patrick, I’m sure you’re overjoyed to hear that penguins won. It’s settled, and we can all rest easy knowing that Patrick’s right and that Patrick’s wrong.

The rest of you Patricks should suggest another match up, vegetable, mineral, animal, inanimate, fictional, or factual. In the meantime, thanks for reading this, Patricks.