Angry excessively-muscular comic book hero versus angry excessively-muscular comic book hero with claws. When a friend requested this competition, my nerdy heart sped up like a hummingbird on crack, because I've been a fan of both Batman and Wolverine long before Christian Bale saw the inside of the batsuit or Hugh Jackman donned adamantium claws. Unlike most American boys, I declined heterosexual man crushes on athletes, realizing that it doesn't matter how many touchdowns you have, you're still not gonna get by a set of claws or a batmobile. And so my heterosexual man crushes were focused on disturbed vigilantes in tights. And with those dork credentials stated, let's get this underway, and decide Who's More Awesome.
Wine Tasting: Batman (or more accurately, Bruce Wayne) looks the part. Rich, sophisticated, suits with a higher price tag than a bailout. But wolverine, who would have to be dragged in to a wine tasting kicking and clawing, has supernaturally powerful senses, and so, wolverine snatches this one out from under the caped crusader, getting his first point.
Chess: Hold your horses, Logan lovers, because the Bats dominates in Chess. He's a planner and thinker. Wolverine, on the other hand, says things like "bub" and hits on the girlfriend of the guy who shoots lasers out of his eyes; not really thinking things through. Batman ties it up.
Fighting: Remember the scene in the beginning of the first X-Men movie in which Wolverine is cage fighting someone in a bar in some blizzardy town in the middle of nowhere? Yeah, exactly. Point two of Wolverine.
Swimsuit: Again, let's refer to the movies. Do you remember the scene in Batman Begins in which Bruce Wayne jumps into pool in a fancy restaurant while wearing a suit? When you're swimsuit is an actual suit, you're a baller (I tried to find one, but there is no better word than "baller" to describe swimming in a suit). And so, it's tied up again.
Pie Eating: Doesn't wolverine just look like the kind of guy who could dominate an eating contest? Plus, those mutant animal instincts have to give him some mutant animal hunger. Wolverine regains the lead.
Archery: Wolverine's keen senses are a huge advantage here, but nothing beats experience, and after years of accurately firing grappling gun after grappling gun, I've got my money on Batman. And so faster than you can say, "What the fuck is it with you?" things are all tied up again.
Racing: Forget who runs faster, what matters here is who could run faster. What's their motivation to run like hell? For Batman it's a creepy guy who wears make up, a short guy often compared to an arctic bird, and a guy with half his face burnt off. But for Wolverine it's a hairy manimal who named himself after an ancient tiger and a flying human-hater who can bend metal, which is what encases Wolverine's entire bone structure. I think Wolverine has more reason to hightail it. 4-3, Wolverine.
Tell Hugh Jackman to celebrate a little extra at the Oscars, because he just clawed his way to the top, burying a very angry Welsh actor below him
Coming attractions: Penis Vs. Vagina (hey, like I said before, I don't make them up; also, still no clue how I'm going to do this one without crossing over the adult content line) and, on a much more PG note, Cats Vs. Dogs.
Leave any competition suggestions in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo Wolverine - Mighty Muggs by chanchan222; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chanchan222/2847443980/in/set-72157607220448452/)
(flickr photo Batman by chanchan222; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chanchan222/2971258613/)