Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Batman Vs. Wolverine

Angry excessively-muscular comic book hero versus angry excessively-muscular comic book hero with claws. When a friend requested this competition, my nerdy heart sped up like a hummingbird on crack, because I've been a fan of both Batman and Wolverine long before Christian Bale saw the inside of the batsuit or Hugh Jackman donned adamantium claws. Unlike most American boys, I declined heterosexual man crushes on athletes, realizing that it doesn't matter how many touchdowns you have, you're still not gonna get by a set of claws or a batmobile. And so my heterosexual man crushes were focused on disturbed vigilantes in tights. And with those dork credentials stated, let's get this underway, and decide Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Batman (or more accurately, Bruce Wayne) looks the part. Rich, sophisticated, suits with a higher price tag than a bailout. But wolverine, who would have to be dragged in to a wine tasting kicking and clawing, has supernaturally powerful senses, and so, wolverine snatches this one out from under the caped crusader, getting his first point.

Chess: Hold your horses, Logan lovers, because the Bats dominates in Chess. He's a planner and thinker. Wolverine, on the other hand, says things like "bub" and hits on the girlfriend of the guy who shoots lasers out of his eyes; not really thinking things through. Batman ties it up.

Fighting: Remember the scene in the beginning of the first X-Men movie in which Wolverine is cage fighting someone in a bar in some blizzardy town in the middle of nowhere? Yeah, exactly. Point two of Wolverine.

Swimsuit: Again, let's refer to the movies. Do you remember the scene in Batman Begins in which Bruce Wayne jumps into pool in a fancy restaurant while wearing a suit? When you're swimsuit is an actual suit, you're a baller (I tried to find one, but there is no better word than "baller" to describe swimming in a suit). And so, it's tied up again.

Pie Eating: Doesn't wolverine just look like the kind of guy who could dominate an eating contest? Plus, those mutant animal instincts have to give him some mutant animal hunger. Wolverine regains the lead.

Archery: Wolverine's keen senses are a huge advantage here, but nothing beats experience, and after years of accurately firing grappling gun after grappling gun, I've got my money on Batman. And so faster than you can say, "What the fuck is it with you?" things are all tied up again.

Racing: Forget who runs faster, what matters here is who could run faster. What's their motivation to run like hell? For Batman it's a creepy guy who wears make up, a short guy often compared to an arctic bird, and a guy with half his face burnt off. But for Wolverine it's a hairy manimal who named himself after an ancient tiger and a flying human-hater who can bend metal, which is what encases Wolverine's entire bone structure. I think Wolverine has more reason to hightail it. 4-3, Wolverine.

Tell Hugh Jackman to celebrate a little extra at the Oscars, because he just clawed his way to the top, burying a very angry Welsh actor below him
Coming attractions: Penis Vs. Vagina (hey, like I said before, I don't make them up; also, still no clue how I'm going to do this one without crossing over the adult content line) and, on a much more PG note, Cats Vs. Dogs.
Leave any competition suggestions in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo Wolverine - Mighty Muggs by chanchan222; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chanchan222/2847443980/in/set-72157607220448452/)
(flickr photo Batman by chanchan222; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chanchan222/2971258613/)


  1. Oh, man. I keep going back and forth, but I'm going to have to land on Batman, I believe.

    Close one!

    (Your blog rocks, BTW.)

    Just wanted to stop by and say thank you for becoming a follower on my blog - I really appreciate that!

    Take care and see you around the blogosphere soon!

    :^) Anna

  2. No problem at all, I really enjoy your blog. And I'm glad you enjoyed mine as well.
    It is a close contest, so I can understand going with Batman.

  3. Ooooh, how did I not see this till now? The geek in me just skipped a hearbeat when I saw the title.

    Great post Walter, and I concur, Wolverine would so win.

    Since we're on a geek thing (well, I am) could we maybe have Sauron vs Darth Vadar?

  4. I like it. And that's actually harder than Batman Vs. Wolverine. I've got to think about those two some more. And thanks for giving me an excuse to watch two trilogies this weekend. By the time I finish on Sunday I'll probably have moved less than most sloths.

  5. If we're gonna go by the Episodes I, II and III pre-Vadar Vadar, I'm giving it to Sauron, Anna. Hayden Christiansen's got that brooding look down pat, but I think even I can still beat his candy ass.

    (I'm new here. Am I allowed to swear?)

    To continue with the fantasy/geek discussion, what's more awesome, a Balrog or a Shai-Hulud?

  6. Tishtash: If swearing isn't okay, my ass would've been out of here a long time ago.
    I agree on Hayden Christiansen being a very lame Vader, and so when I get th etime to write up that tribute to geekdom, I'm going to leave the cluster fuck that was Episodes 1-3 out.
    And way to up the geekdom of this discussion with a moderately obscure LOTR reference and an equally obscure Dune reference. This one is way harder. Off the top of my head, I'm thinking a Balrog would just engulf a Shai-Hulud in flames, but I need to do some refesher research before I write this one up.

  7. Thanks for the comment! Your blog is awesome.

  8. Liked the post and your blog. Thanks for checking out my blog. Trying to get more readers.

  9. GO Wolverine! Mr. Curry loves Wolverine.

  10. Batman can't even tap dance, Wolverine wins!

  11. That is true. He can't tap dance. I don't know that Wolverine can, but hey, why not.

  12. I prefer Wolverine, by he simple reason Batman always has been an spoiled guy, and hate that kind of people, specially cos I had a bad experience with an ex-friend of mine.