Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sanitation Man Vs. Fireman

If the last match was unconventional, this one is downright rebellious. A sanitation (garbage) man versus a fireman? A fireman versus a policeman would make since. Or a garbage man versus a bag of disgusting shit. But this, well this is a strange match up indeed.

But I don't pick the contenders, I just contend them...or, yeah, whatever. That makes sense, right?

And this set of contenders was picked by Mame who wrote, "How about Firemen vs. Sanitation Men? I know a lot of girls (and some guys) love the men on the red trucks, but I like guys in green because they keep my city clean! I think it's time for a show down." Mame, I can't help you get a potentially smelly date with a "guy in green." But I can tell you Who's More Awesome, in a duel that's strangely appropriate for Valentine's Day, considering your love of the waste collectors.
In your words, because I couldn't have said it better: "It's time for a show down."
Wine Tasting: I really don't know where to award this one. They're both equally unprepared to taste fermented grapes, and it's hard to tell which is worse: showing up to a wine tasting smelling like garbage or showing up smelling like burning condos. This brings me to the only deciding factor: smell. Sanitation men have smelled so many awful things that their olfactory senses must be completely shot, and although smoke can't be great for your nasal passages either, it's probably not as numbing as pounds upon pounds of refuse. You need a good nose to taste wine, so the firemen take their first point. Barely.

Pie Eating: But a degraded sense of smell isn't always bad, especially when it comes from inhaling horrendous, rotting odors all day. You see, half of winning an eating context is being able to effectively suppress the gag reflex. And who could possibly be better at doing that than sanitation men. Point one for waste management.

Racing: This one's too easy. Sanitation men sit in a truck most of the day, and firemen have to run swiftly up stairs and around buildings, and when they run, it's serious shit. Basically, they're fast, or people die. If garbage men aren't fast, the street just smells a little worse. And so, point two for los bomberos.

Archery: Have you ever seen a sanitation man sling a garbage bag into the back of his truck? It's a thing of beauty, like watching a bird dive hundreds of feet and then swoop back up instantly. Or a gymnast gracefully twist around bars. Or a painter paint stuff. Artsy stuff. Anyway, the point is that anyone who can so smoothly sling bags full of paper towels, top ramen containers, and used condoms up into the air with a perfect arc and a perfect speed has the precision necessary to be an excellent archer. Two points for the people who clean up after our messes.

Swimsuit: After all those calendars they've posed for, I'd really feel bad not awarding this one to the firefighters. And if anyone needs to wear a little less clothing, it's someone inside of a fire, because fires are fucking hot! Don't they know that? Going in with those heavy jackets and what I'm pretty sure are yellow snowboarding pants. Yeah, yeah, it protects the skin, but they must be sweating like motherfuckers. If I was a fire fighter, I'd wear swim trunks...and not go into buildings that were on fire. Hey, I'd fight it from outside. I'd throw buckets on water on it, and blow on it, and try to grab little bits of it in between two fingers that I just licked to impress people at parties, but I sure as hell wouldn't run into a fire. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, swimsuits: the firefighters win this one. Point three for them.

Fighting: I don't care how many axes and high-powered hoses the firemen bring to this showdown, a truck full of garbage carrying all sorts of smells, all sorts of insects, and all sorts of diseases wins. It's the strong versus the dirty argument, and I go with the dirty, hands down, any day. If one guy won the golden gloves, but the other is throwing his poop around, the man who took his lessons from monkeys at the zoo wins every time, because Mr. Ali De La Hoya Balboa isn't going to get anywhere near a guy throwing his shit. And similarly, a firefighter would keep his distance from tons of waste. The sanitation men have their third point, tying this up.

Chess: And so it ends with the thinking man's (or woman's...or anything in between) sport. Firemen have the time and space to become chess masters. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that firemen sit around all day, but what I am saying is that in between calls, there's not much to do but lounge at the station. And again, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that firemen spend their lounging time playing chess, but what I am saying is that they could. And if they did, they'd be pretty damn good by now. And since there's no room for a cheese board in the front seat of a garbage truck, the fireman take a fourth point and win it. 4-3 firemen.

Sorry Mame but the sanitation men just got hosed down and put out, but I'm sure the guys in green appreciate your support.
Have a match up you'd like to see? Leave it in the comments.
Next week, Wolverine and Batman are scheduled for a dueling.

(flickr photo A Fireman In Front Of Burnt House by Kiwi NZ;
(flickr photo Garbage Man by rudlavibizon;


  1. penis vs vagina. dare you go there?

  2. Oh I dare. Mainly because I can't turn down a dare. And it'll probably be the most hits this blog ever gets. How would the pie eating...nevermind. Expect it two posts from now.

  3. oh man. this is a great concept for a blog. VERY funny. i like the wide range of competitions...from the physical to the mental to the appetite to the sexiness. I'll try to think of some good competitors.

  4. I'm glad you like it. But it's not as useful as beer reviews, though, so thanks. I'll be waiting to hear what competitors you come you come up with.

  5. I agree. I'd be all over a fireman...wait. Let me think about that a bit...gotta go now.

  6. Sorry, you mentioned firemen. I went to my happy place.

  7. i loved this one! good point about the gag reflex suppression. ;)

  8. Thanks everyone. And I'm glad that just placing the word fireman at the top of something helps me get readers.
    (Did it work?)

  9. this is sad... both are hard working, strong and dedicated men especially sanitation men tho they have to work everyday and at times for long hours. Been married to sexy sanitation man for 8 years and never came home smelly.

  10. I have been both and can say that in most places sanitation is a far more dangerous job on a day to day basis. Garbage men are constantly swinging trash under low power lines in the dark, working around trash compactors and driving through traffic, backing into traffic etc..sanitation is a thankless job!!