Anonymous writes, "I'd like to see Hockey Player vs Bull Fighter. You know, if you're feeling it." Well, Anonymous, first off, you should think about changing your name, because Anonymous is a ridiculous name. Try Jane or John Doe. Or maybe Unknown. But more importantly, I am feeling it, very much so, even though it is a bit of an unconventional match up. Who would ever think that toothless Canadians and well-dressed Spaniards would have at it? But they're about to, and it's going to be so vicious that someone might need to call the Fire Marshall to shut this blog down. But don't really, because I need something to do on the weekends. Plus the Fire Marshall already has it out for me after that time I held a party for 200 people inside a porta potty. Who knew that was beyond the porta potty fire safety limit? Not I.
But enough of that, let's skate right into this one and figure out Who's More Awesome.
Fighting: So it starts with a stocky Canadian barrelling toward a lithe Spaniard. The Spaniard steps to the side, whipping out a bright red cape, and the hockey players slams into a wall. But slamming into walls at full speed isn't anything new to him, so he spins around, and in seconds brings the matador to the ground with a swift swipe of his stick. The Spaniard, used to battling for his life against thousand-pound animals with horns, fights back hard, kicking in the air with all his might. As he's being pummelled with fancy shoes, the hockey player remembers that the only reason anyone watches hockey is for the fights, and that he's been doing this his whole life, so he pulls off his gloves, grins a toothless grin, and ends it right then and there with the brutal precision of a goring. And the hockey players take the first point.
Wine Tasting: But don't get too cocky, hockey (yeah, it rhymes. I'm just that good), because Spain is big into wine, and is bordered by France, which is even bigger into wine, and so the bull fighters takes this one easily. I'm sure you don't mind, hockey, since you're more of a beer sport anyway, but the bovine battlers just earned their first point.
Pie Eating: But just as easily as bull fighting took the wine point, hockey takes the pie point. If I have to put my money on a stout drunk or a slender sports diva in a pie eating contest, I go with the drunk any day. Point two for hockey.
Swimsuits: I'm not really all that psyched to think about either of these two in swimsuits, but I don't have to since it's too damn cold to wear a speedo during a hockey game anyway. And what if you slipped and skidded on ice. Holy shit that would hurt. Makes me want to scream into a bottle of Crown Royal just thinking about it. And so the bull fighters get their second point.
Archery: Archery is all about precision, and let's be honest, it doesn't take all that much precision to avoid gigantic livestock. There's a whole hell of a lot more precision in putting a tiny disk into a tiny net guarded by a big man wearing an even bigger outfit. Point three for the NHL.
Chess: Both sports involve a good deal of strategy, and so there's no reason to think that either would be better equipped to handle the planning involved in chess, but here's the thing about chess: you can't punch your opponent. Even if you aren't wearing gloves. Point three for the matadores.
Racing: On the ice, it's hockey. On land, it's bull fighting. Nothing gets you more motivated to run than huge animal with sharp things sticking out of his head. But on the ice, bull fighters would fail miserably, and fall all over the place. On land, a hockey player may not give Usain Bolt reasons to stay awake at night, but he could still move fast enough to hold his own. And so, with four points, the hockey players not only win it, but now have more points than teeth.
Bust open the Molson, because hockey just slid by their formerly-fascist competitors, making PETA proud and red-cape makers sad.
Coming soon, by request, firemen vs. sanitation men.
If you have any other suggestions for face offs, leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo bullfight in Merida by TooFarNorth; http://www.flickr.com/photos/toofarnorth/85137000/)
(flickr photo MNR 2008 Hockey Tournament by loimere; http://www.flickr.com/photos/loimere/2376126968/)