Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ferrets Vs. Poseidon

Um yeah. I have no idea how these two got matched up, but they did, so I’ll do it. I’m sort of like a blogging slut; I have no standards and I’m down to do whatever you tell me to do. On blogs, that is.

Ferrets. Cute little domesticated mammals, a relative of the weasel, about 20 inches long including their tail, anywhere from 1.5 to 4 pounds, and have a lifespan of 7-10 years. Then there’s Poseidon. The Greek god of the sea and earthquakes.

Here goes nothing. Pull out your weasel leashes and your copy of The Odyssey, let’s find out Who’s More Awesome.

Swimsuit: At first, I saw that Poseidon had about a bagillion kids, and thought, “Okay, to have that many kids, you need to be pretty damn sexy and that’s what the swimsuit competition is all about.” But then I did some more research (fuck yeah, I research for my blog; I have friends, I promise) and found out that pretty much 90% of his kids were the product of rape or date rape. Guess what is definitely, definitely, definitely NOT awesome, Poseidon? If you guessed rape, then you’re correct, you creepy son of a bitch. Plus, you remember Medusa? The women with snakes for hair? Well apparently she used to be super duper hot, and then Poseidon did the sex with her in the alter of Athena, and when Athena found out she turned Medusa into the monster we all know now. But no punishment for Poseidon. Way to leave Medusa hanging, Poseidon. Sounds like you’re a real nice guy; really, a fucking winner. So yes, a ferret is going to beat you in the sexiness competition. A goddamn ferret. That’s what you get for being an asshole rapist. In fact, really, your punishment should be a lot worse than being beaten by a ferret in sexiness, but you’re a god, and so like the wealthy, you get away with things you really shouldn’t. If I awarded negative points, I’d give you a couple hundred of them now, but I don’t, so consider yourself lucky. Point to the ferrets.

Fighting: Ferrets. I don’t care that you’re the god of the ocean, Poseidon, because check out this war dance that ferrets do. Those badass little moves are called the weasel war dance, and they’re the reason Poseidon’s gonna get his salt-watery ass handed to him. Point two for ferrets.

Chess: But credit where credit is due, and Poseidon is significantly smarter than a ferret. Point one for him.

Wine Tasting: I know you’re not the god of wine, but wine is a godly thing, so I’ll give you points for this one too, Poseidon. Tied at twos.

Racing: Yes, Poseidon is incredibly fast in the water. But on land, he’s shit. Ferrets on the other hand are quick little weasels on land or water. Points to the cute little furry dudes.

Archery: Ferrets have no hands to grasp a bow and arrow with, so by default, Poseidon takes this one.

Pie Eating: Well it’s tied, and we’re on a tough one. On one hand Poseidon is bigger and could probably eat more. Plus he and the rest of the gods were always getting random foods and lives sacrificed to them back in the day. On the other hand, ferrets would just love to nab a pie and devour that shit. Also, on the other hand, Poseidon is still a shit-eating rapist, and rapists aren’t allowed to win my competitions. This point goes to the ferrets and they win, 4-3.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming, but hey, ferrets do kick ass. Their awesomisity level has always been quite high.

Coming Soon: Men Vs. Women, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Competition suggestions? Leave a comment.

(flickr photo peeking by theogeo;

(flickr photo Poseidon by boboroshi;

Friday, May 29, 2009

Guest Blogger Final Update

Here it is, peoples, the final list of guest bloggers. Man, this is the most frequently I've posted since this blog was started, and none of it involves me saying things like "Monkeys are sexy in bathing suits" and "They eat less pies than an anorexic in a hunger protest."
Anna Russell: Chess
Diary of a Mad Bathroom: Wine Tasting
Erin: Pie Eating
The Bumbles: Swimsuit
FrankenFinger: Racing
Barb: Archery
Kristine: Fighting
Thanks to everyone who agreed to help out. Let's do this shit!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Guest Blogging Update

Despite my incoherence and the confusing way I went about this guest blogging thing, yesterday's proposal is going better than expected. But I still need (or want) one more guest blogger. So to help anyone who's keeping track keep track, here's the update.
Anna Russell: Chess
Diary of a Mad Bathroom: Wine Tasting
Erin: Pie Eating
The Bumbles: Swimsuit
FrankenFinger and Barb: Whatever they want of what remains.
So Barb, FrankenFinger, and the mysterious person who's totally going to volunteer after they read this, because they want nothing more than to write a paragraph for an utterly pointless blog, here's what remains: Fighting, Racing, and Archery.
For those of you who have signed up already, no rush on getting me your paragraph, but just to set some sort of deadline, why don't we say by next Monday at the latest?

For those of you who have no clue what's going on, please see yesterday's post (and my comments in that post, if the post still doesn't explain it to you). Basically, one of the competitions suggested for this blog's hypothetical battles was Men Vs. Women, and I'm asking readers to guest blog that one instead of me being the judge as usual. Hopefully, a total of seven readers will contribute, each taking a section (the things listed above) of the battle. It turns out I made this more confusing that it needed to be, so if you don't exactly get it, just ask, and I'd be happy to try to explain. Thanks.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Guest Blogging Anyone?

No, I'm not taking a vacation. I have much lazier motives for my guest blogging offer.
There are a lot of competitions lined up, and more come in each week. On top of that, I haven't given much opportunity for reader participation on my blog. So here's the solution: I give you guys a competition to guest write. Reader participation and two competitions down in one week.
Because writing an entire competition is an ass in the pain, each guest blogger will write just one of the contests for a competion. So for the competition there will be seven guest bloggers: one per contest, and I'll take care of the intro and conclusion (unless someone really wants those, in which case I'd be happy to hand them over). So basically, you pick a particular contest, write that up, send it my way, and I'll put them all together into a competition. It's not much work on your part, and it gives seven people the chance to guest blog instead of just one.
The competition I picked from the line up is Men Vs. Women. It's universal, and by putting this one on you, it let's me completely avoid the whole sexism thing.
If you're interested, leave a comment or, better yet, shoot me an email with your top two choices for a contest to write (Fighting, Racing, Swimsuit, Chess, Pie Eating, Archery, and Wine Tasting). It'll be on a first come first serve basis for writing in general and getting the contest you want (since I'm sure I'll just be flooded with emails. Or not). But yeah, before writing anything, let me know what you want to write in case someone else has already done it.
And hey if this works out well, it might be a more regular occurrence.
Cool? Sweet. Let's do this, bitches. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you bitches, that was rude. Let's do this, not-bitches.
Also, I'll still be posting my own regularly scheduled competition on the weekend as always.

P.S. If you find this confusing, please see my comments below. In two of them (to Anna and Mandy) I tried my best to re-explain this as best I could. Sorry about how confusing it ended up being.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman

Happy Memorial Day! Sorry to all non-Americans who aren't celebrating Memorial Day. I didn't mean to alienate you, it's just that I'm so pumped about my day off that I had to give Memorial Day a shout out.
Now let's talk about gigantic ape-like monsters.
The Sasquatch (Bigfoot) and the Abominable Snowman (Yeti) are basically the exact same creature. Large, hairy, sort of like a human, sort of like a gorilla, sort of like a bear, sometimes super scary and other times totally chill. The main difference is that Bigfoot is from North America and the Yeti is from Tibet. Since they're so similar, this wont be the easiest fake competition I've written, but I'm up for a challenge, if you are.
So let's get ready to accuse the government of cover ups and analyze some fuzzy footage shot from hundreds of yards away so we can find out Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Bigfoot. There's wine where he's from (the Pacific Northwest). Good wine even. But not much wine is growing at Old Abominable's Everest Frozen Grape Vineyard.

Fighting: The Yeti. Two words: altitude training. This guy (or thing) could go a full twelve rounds easily, while the Sasquatch is huffing and puffing like the out of shape beast-human-monster-myth-legend thing that he is. It's tied up at ones.

Racing: See the altitude training point above to understand why this one goes to the Yeti as well.

Chess: You might think the Yeti would have this one since he looks like such a damn clever son of a bitch, but he lives in the Tibetan mountains. Where, amongst all the snow storms and just general snowy-as-fuckness of that region is he going to set up a chess board? Nowhere. But Bigfoot can just pull a fallen redwood tree over and begin playing. Point to Sasquatch, and it's tied at twos.

Pie Eating: The Sasquatch is American, and pie eating contests, as we've noted in many previous competitions, are pretty goddamn American. He gets the points here, and pulls ahead.

Swimsuit: Oh wow, this is so sexy that I have ten boners right now. That's a lie, because 1.) It's impossible for one man to have ten boners at once. Even for me. The best I can do is get nine of my ten penises to boner phase. 2.) This competition isn't sexy at all. In fact it's unsexy. 3.) I only have one penis like a normal person. I was totally kidding about point 1. 4.) I really hope my parents don't read this. Sorry, the competition. Okay, well since they look almost identical, and since they're both big, ugly motherfuckers, I'm just going to give this one over to the Yeti for having a slightly less disgusting name. I mean, really, do you want to see something called Sasquatch (or even Bigfoot) in a swimsuit? I thought not.

Archery: Sasquatch is sort of a Native American term, and who's (at least in the literature written solely by non-Native Americans) better at archery than them? So, with all the ignorance and stereotyping I could muster, I award this to the Sasquatch, who takes the whole competition at 4-3.

And the Yeti is left out in the cold. Fake monsters of North America rejoice!
Coming Soon: Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Competition suggestions? Leave a comment.
(flickr photo [sasquatch?] by david drexler;
(flickr photo yeti by Jeremy Burgin;

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Her Telephone Booth - Guest Blogging

I did it. I'm a guest blogger. And I didn't write my guest blog as a series of competitions; I actually wrote it like a normal blogger! All ranting and raving and shit like a big kid. I know, I know, I'm proud of myself, too.
Check it out. At the very least so that you can see the rest of Tish's blog My Telephone Booth which is well worth reading if you currently aren't. If it were in one of my competitions, it'd win every one of them except for archery since no one really wants to win that one, anyway.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Old People Vs. Babies

Ah yes, an ancient battle, that goes back centuries upon centuries. Old people and infants. How could it have possibly taken us this long to get to such a prestigious and infamous battle? A battle of the ages. Ahahaha, it's a pun. Now laugh, you son of a bitch!
But seriously internet folks (that is to say, not real people; you're probably all old fat men pretending to be young attractive women), this was requested by two people. Dos if you speak Spanish. Still dos even if you don't. Kristine and SophisticatedBrew both requested this baby (goddamnit, another pun! I'm on a role).
This one doesn't need much of an intro, so lets watch our mobiles or some Murder, She Wrote and make sure our diapers are on (both our baby and old people diapers) and find out Who's More Awesome.

Racing: Have you ever seen those random old people that run like 15 marathons a year and twice as many triathlons, and they end up on the evening news about once a month whenever things get slow? How many miraculous running babies do you know? None, that's how many. But there are miraculous running old people. It happens. Not often, but it happens. Point one for the senior citizens.

Swimsuit: With babies you can at least say something like, "Oh a baby in swim trunks is adorable." With old people all you can really say is, "This is disgusting and horrible. Someone please claw my eyes out of with rusty butter knife now!" Point one for the infants.

Chess: Babies are idiots. No offense meant, they just are. They have minimal mental capacities, so a game like chess really isn't for them. No matter how far gone the old person is, odds are they still have a brain cell or two on a baby. Point two for the old peeps.

Pie Eating: Old people can't eat for shit. Again, no offense meant, it's just the truth. Most old people nibble here or there and barely finish a full meal. But babies, they know how to eat, and they do it eat pie eating contest style. They throw their food around, smash their face and hands in it, get it all over their shirt, and gobble that shit down with the itsy bitsy lame excuses for teeth they have. Point two for the miniature humans.

Archery: Babies have pudgy little balls of dough for fingers, so their chances of being able to accurately fire a bow and arrow are almost as low as their chances of picking one up with those weak, fat arms they have. Sorry babies, but the old people win this one by default. Sure there's arthritis working against them, but they at least have a chance of a manipulating a bow and arrow, while you have absolutely no hope. Point three for those with gray hair.
Fighting: Let's face it, neither of these two are going to excel here. They're not exactly in great fighting condition. But they don't need to be, because the instant that bell goes off, and the old man starts walker-ing it over to the baby, the baby will cry. If you've ever taken a five hour plane flight with a crying baby next to you, you know that you'd do anything to shut it up, even throwing aside all your morals and kicking the shit out of an old dude. And so the baby will win by sheer annoyance, as tons of able bodied adults take to the ring in his defense. Point three for the babies.
Wine Tasting: All tied up, which sounds like the title for a bondage movie, but it's actually a description of this contest's current situation. So who will take it? Easy. Babies have no experience with wine, very little experience with smell or taste, very weak smell and taste, and they have shit tolerance. Old people for the win, 4-3.
Break open the doors to the retirement home, and toss your babies in a crib (or Australia so that a dingo will take them) because old people won this one, old school style. Future face offs: The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor. Contest suggestions? Leave them in the comments.
(flickr photo Old People Sign by rileyroxx;
(flickr photo Fun with Babies Part 1 by TedsBlog;

Friday, May 8, 2009

The JLA Vs. The Avengers

The foremost DC comics superhero team (The JLA or Justice League of America) against the foremost Marvel comics superhero team (The Avengers). A comic book nerd's wet dream, and let me say, my dreams have been soaked lately thinking about this competition. That came out wrong, didn't it?
The main problem with this face off is the fluidity of the teams' rosters. They constantly change membership, and as much as I'd love to include every single member ever a part of each team, that would leave me with somewhere around a billion JLA heros and 25 billion Avengers. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get my point. So I've narrowed it down to the most consistent and essential members.
The JLA is Superman, Batman, Aquaman, The Flash, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter.
The Avengers are Captain America, Thor, Wasp, Giant-Man (Henry Pym), Iron Man, and Hawkeye.
And I know The Avengers have one less person on their team, but I think having Thor, who's a god and all sort of makes up for it. I mean Superman and Martian Manhunter are pretty fucking powerful, but they're not god status.
So put on the bat signal, find a telephone booth to change in, power up your suit, and grab the Mjolnir, because we're about to find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: I started with an easy one. Hawkeye all the way. That's what he does. You know that Rick Ross song Hustlin'? Well replace "hustlin'" with "archery(in')" and the song could have been written by Hawkeye. And I know sometimes the Green Arrow is in the JLA, and maybe I should have included him here, but I didn't so deal with it. Point one for The Avengers.

Racing: The Flash. It's only fair. I know, I know, it's highly possible that Superman, Martain Manhunter, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and on the other side of things Thor and Iron Man are actually faster, but speed is all The Flash has. Let's not strip him of his dignity just for the sake of fake competition accuracy. Have a fucking heart people. The point goes to The JLA.

Pie Eating: Henry Pym in his Giant-Man form has this one easily. When you're sixty-feet tall, you can eat a lot of pies. Point two for The Avengers.

Swimsuit: But not so fast Marvel, because Wonder Woman is a super hot girl wearing what is essentially a swimsuit. Yes, Wasp is pretty damn hot, too, but she's not wearing a swimsuit, and Wonder Woman is a much better superhero: speed, strength, invulnerability, flight, a boomeranging tiara, communication with animals, and a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Awesome! Compare that to Wasp who can shrink really small, fly (with wings, not magically like Wonder Woman), shoot littler stinger blasts, and communicate with insects (not badass and occasionally cute and cuddly animals; ugly, gross, tiny insects). Plus, there's Aquaman who's basically wearing a permanent swimsuit since he's always in the water and totally digging it. Point two for the JLA.

Wine Tasting: As far as familiarity with the whole wine tasting process goes, The JLA has Bruce Wayne (Batman) and The Avengers have Tony Stark (Iron Man). Both of these guys are snazzy rich motherfuckers who probably go wine tasting more often than they take a piss. But wine tasting under my rules is also about tolerance since there's none of that wasteful spitting the wine out like a spoiled brat who doesn't like their dinner bullshit. And that's where Captain America, who is impervious to the affects of alcohol and thus has a limitless tolerance, comes in. Point three for The Avengers.

Fighting: With Thor on one side and Superman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Wonder Woman on the other, this fight could go on until the end of time. And I don't mean the 2pac end of time I mean the apocalypse end of time. But fortunately we don't need a full on battle, because the JLA gets an honorary victory for having Batman on their team, solely because of this super badass Chinese prison fight scene from Batman Begins. Point three for The JLA.

Chess: The only JLA member known for intelligence is Batman. That's not to say the rest are idiots, just that none of them have reputations as mental giants. But the Avengers have two scientific geniuses (Giant-Man and Iron Man) and one militaristic genius (Captain America). And so The Avengers take the competition, 4-3.

Even with their roster cut, The Avengers still came out on top. Sorry, DC, please don't take it personally. You guys were and always will be my first comic book love. But you know, a competition's a competition, and you lost.
Awesome match ups of the future: Babies Vs. Old People, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
If you have suggestions, leave them in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo jla_avengers by nijin;