Happy Memorial Day! Sorry to all non-Americans who aren't celebrating Memorial Day. I didn't mean to alienate you, it's just that I'm so pumped about my day off that I had to give Memorial Day a shout out.
Now let's talk about gigantic ape-like monsters.
The Sasquatch (Bigfoot) and the Abominable Snowman (Yeti) are basically the exact same creature. Large, hairy, sort of like a human, sort of like a gorilla, sort of like a bear, sometimes super scary and other times totally chill. The main difference is that Bigfoot is from North America and the Yeti is from Tibet. Since they're so similar, this wont be the easiest fake competition I've written, but I'm up for a challenge, if you are.
So let's get ready to accuse the government of cover ups and analyze some fuzzy footage shot from hundreds of yards away so we can find out Who's More Awesome.
Wine Tasting: Bigfoot. There's wine where he's from (the Pacific Northwest). Good wine even. But not much wine is growing at Old Abominable's Everest Frozen Grape Vineyard.
Fighting: The Yeti. Two words: altitude training. This guy (or thing) could go a full twelve rounds easily, while the Sasquatch is huffing and puffing like the out of shape beast-human-monster-myth-legend thing that he is. It's tied up at ones.
Racing: See the altitude training point above to understand why this one goes to the Yeti as well.
Chess: You might think the Yeti would have this one since he looks like such a damn clever son of a bitch, but he lives in the Tibetan mountains. Where, amongst all the snow storms and just general snowy-as-fuckness of that region is he going to set up a chess board? Nowhere. But Bigfoot can just pull a fallen redwood tree over and begin playing. Point to Sasquatch, and it's tied at twos.
Pie Eating: The Sasquatch is American, and pie eating contests, as we've noted in many previous competitions, are pretty goddamn American. He gets the points here, and pulls ahead.
Swimsuit: Oh wow, this is so sexy that I have ten boners right now. That's a lie, because 1.) It's impossible for one man to have ten boners at once. Even for me. The best I can do is get nine of my ten penises to boner phase. 2.) This competition isn't sexy at all. In fact it's unsexy. 3.) I only have one penis like a normal person. I was totally kidding about point 1. 4.) I really hope my parents don't read this. Sorry, the competition. Okay, well since they look almost identical, and since they're both big, ugly motherfuckers, I'm just going to give this one over to the Yeti for having a slightly less disgusting name. I mean, really, do you want to see something called Sasquatch (or even Bigfoot) in a swimsuit? I thought not.
Archery: Sasquatch is sort of a Native American term, and who's (at least in the literature written solely by non-Native Americans) better at archery than them? So, with all the ignorance and stereotyping I could muster, I award this to the Sasquatch, who takes the whole competition at 4-3.
And the Yeti is left out in the cold. Fake monsters of North America rejoice!
Coming Soon: Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Competition suggestions? Leave a comment.
(flickr photo [sasquatch?] by david drexler; http://www.flickr.com/photos/drexler/1368184931/)
(flickr photo yeti by Jeremy Burgin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jburgin/2963228177/)