Saturday, May 16, 2009

Old People Vs. Babies

Ah yes, an ancient battle, that goes back centuries upon centuries. Old people and infants. How could it have possibly taken us this long to get to such a prestigious and infamous battle? A battle of the ages. Ahahaha, it's a pun. Now laugh, you son of a bitch!
But seriously internet folks (that is to say, not real people; you're probably all old fat men pretending to be young attractive women), this was requested by two people. Dos if you speak Spanish. Still dos even if you don't. Kristine and SophisticatedBrew both requested this baby (goddamnit, another pun! I'm on a role).
This one doesn't need much of an intro, so lets watch our mobiles or some Murder, She Wrote and make sure our diapers are on (both our baby and old people diapers) and find out Who's More Awesome.

Racing: Have you ever seen those random old people that run like 15 marathons a year and twice as many triathlons, and they end up on the evening news about once a month whenever things get slow? How many miraculous running babies do you know? None, that's how many. But there are miraculous running old people. It happens. Not often, but it happens. Point one for the senior citizens.

Swimsuit: With babies you can at least say something like, "Oh a baby in swim trunks is adorable." With old people all you can really say is, "This is disgusting and horrible. Someone please claw my eyes out of with rusty butter knife now!" Point one for the infants.

Chess: Babies are idiots. No offense meant, they just are. They have minimal mental capacities, so a game like chess really isn't for them. No matter how far gone the old person is, odds are they still have a brain cell or two on a baby. Point two for the old peeps.

Pie Eating: Old people can't eat for shit. Again, no offense meant, it's just the truth. Most old people nibble here or there and barely finish a full meal. But babies, they know how to eat, and they do it eat pie eating contest style. They throw their food around, smash their face and hands in it, get it all over their shirt, and gobble that shit down with the itsy bitsy lame excuses for teeth they have. Point two for the miniature humans.

Archery: Babies have pudgy little balls of dough for fingers, so their chances of being able to accurately fire a bow and arrow are almost as low as their chances of picking one up with those weak, fat arms they have. Sorry babies, but the old people win this one by default. Sure there's arthritis working against them, but they at least have a chance of a manipulating a bow and arrow, while you have absolutely no hope. Point three for those with gray hair.
Fighting: Let's face it, neither of these two are going to excel here. They're not exactly in great fighting condition. But they don't need to be, because the instant that bell goes off, and the old man starts walker-ing it over to the baby, the baby will cry. If you've ever taken a five hour plane flight with a crying baby next to you, you know that you'd do anything to shut it up, even throwing aside all your morals and kicking the shit out of an old dude. And so the baby will win by sheer annoyance, as tons of able bodied adults take to the ring in his defense. Point three for the babies.
Wine Tasting: All tied up, which sounds like the title for a bondage movie, but it's actually a description of this contest's current situation. So who will take it? Easy. Babies have no experience with wine, very little experience with smell or taste, very weak smell and taste, and they have shit tolerance. Old people for the win, 4-3.
Break open the doors to the retirement home, and toss your babies in a crib (or Australia so that a dingo will take them) because old people won this one, old school style. Future face offs: The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor. Contest suggestions? Leave them in the comments.
(flickr photo Old People Sign by rileyroxx;
(flickr photo Fun with Babies Part 1 by TedsBlog;


  1. That kicks ass! I love old folks and I freaking hate baby's... even my own.

  2. Man, I'm not sure about pie eating. Babies have a hard time eating stuff, even mushy pie. Old people aren't very good about eating, unless it's an early bird special but they LOVE pie. Especially homemade pie resting on a windowsill made of something weird like ginger or obscure nuts. However, I'm glad you tossed the babies some mercy. Cuz they're cute.

  3. I'm glad you awarded the point for fighting to the babies. They bite and head butt people as if it's cute or something.

    Love the style that you have written this in!

  4. I call foul on the archery! You find me an old person that can pull back a bow. Even I can't do it!

    Though, I am weak, so...there's that.

    But in the tie-breaker round, I'm sure Old People would win hands-down in the storytelling competition. Babies are just all babababa and it's like, really? Is this story going anywhere?!

  5. Old people are stupid, babies are so much cooler. They're practically the same, neither can do anything on their own, but at least babies are cuter and don't drive 30 mph under the speed limit.

  6. I can't find fault with this. It is thoughtfully deliberated and fair all the way through.

    And please tell me how you figured out my secret identity "you're probably all old fat men pretending to be young attractive women".

    Damn, you're good!

  7. i have to disagree on the "winetasting" point... when's the last time you saw an old person lay back and chug the entire bottle without stopping for air?

    babies do it all the time.

    ps... my husband has a blog request... Bruce Lee vs Jet Li

  8. Franken: Glad you liked it.
    Sophisticated: Yeah, you have to give them a vicotry here or there, even if they barely scrap by with it. Otherwise they just start crying.
    Barb: Thanks.
    Kristine: Exactly why we didn't include story telling. They're too damn good at it. And babies suck at story telling. Fucking awful at it.
    Brian: True, I guess, although old people also don't puke on you usually.
    Detroit: Glad you liked it.
    DG: Well, you know, I have some pretty sweet detective skills.
    Megan: True, but they don't chug wine. They chug water. Chugging wine would probably killing a ten pound baby. And excellent request fromy our husband.

  9. I must put my two centimes in here on this obviously biased and farfelous judging! I, for one, tasted plenty of wine as a rugrat. Put me right to sleep, I'm told. So the babies catch up on that one.
    They also win the chess-playing point. What sort of proper use is it for a self-respecting brain to make it play a screechingly boring game like chess? Fucking waste of time! Negative point for the geezers.

  10. Too funny...

  11. Science: Haha, well I see your point. I'm sticking with old people coming out on top, if only because it means I have to listen to less crying babies at airports.
    LiLu: Haha. Nice. What a coincidence.

  12. Other things not considered: frequency and volume of diaper loads; manual dexterity with remote controls (or any technology post 1947); fashion aesthetics (use of patterns & colours); attention span; skin odour; hairdos; penchant for lengthy naps; (and of course) cannonball splashes!

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