Monday, April 13, 2009

The US Vs. Europe

Anna Russel over at Incoherent Ramblings and Room 102 suggested this one.
Now, like any good American, I don't know anything about about Europe except that it's part of England. Wait, sorry. That's wrong. Europe is part of London, which owns England. No, that's not right either. Hold on, let me look this up.
So wikipedia says that Europe isn't a city, it's actually a continent made of shitloads (paraphrasing here) of countries. I'm not buying it. I want to see a source wikipedia. Citation needed! Next thing you'll be telling me that we haven't enslaved Canadians, and refused to annex them as a state until they stop liking hockey. What? We haven't! I call bullshit wikipedia, I call bullshit.
Anyway, so where was I. Oh yeah, Europe vs. the USA. A continent (allegedly) vs. a country. The place with London and Paris and other cities Americans like to visit and the place entirely made of New Yorkers, Hollywood stars, and rednecks. Wait, wait, that's not right. Am I channeling non-US stereotypes about the US?
Clearly this competition will go smoothly, because we Americans know our history and geography so well. Finest education system in the entire continent of the USA!
So put on your baseball caps or your football (the one actually played with feet) jerseys, it's time to get international and find out Who's More Awesome.
Archery: Archery is old school. Europe is old school. Plus, nothing says archery like Robin Hood, and where's Robin Hood from? England, and that's in Europe (thanks, wikipedia!). Point one for Europa.

Pie Eating: Pies are American. Overeating is American. Turning things that really should be leisurely and fun into intense competitions is American. Point one for the USA.

Chess: The current form of chess came from Europe. Plus most of the chess grandmasters have come from Europe. Point two for Europe.

Racing: One word: autobahn. No one knows what it means, because it's in the dead language of German...wait, wikipedia says that people still speak German. Who knew? Anyways, it's the name for a highway with no speed limits, and any place that flips the bird at speed limits is awesome. Point three for Europe.

Swimsuit: If there's a place that's all about gratuitous, guilt-ridden, barely-covered sexuality, it's the US. In Europe naked people walk around like it's no big deal and no one gives a crap. "Oh look, another naked person. Who cares, this is Europe and we see that shit all time." Sure, that's solely based on two or three European commercials I saw one time and that whole nude beach thing, but my point is that here in America, we like our bodies minimally covered in a way that only a swimsuit can accomplish. Modern uncontrollable lust battles a foundation of puritanical prudishness. Point two for the United States.

Fighting: In the past, definitely Europe. If there's one thing I know about Europe it's that they were all about militaristically fucking shit up back in the day. But now, The US has taken their place at the forefront of bombings, shootings, territorial mass murder, and general imperialistic sentiments. Point three for the US.

Wine Tasting: Sure the US has California and all the Sonoma and Napa wine that comes with it, but Europe has Italy, France, Spain, and Germany. And Europe wins, 4-3.

Oh well, at least we still own Canada.
Coming soon: The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Have a battle you want duelled out? Leave it in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo EU Boulevard by meiburgin;
(flickr photo NYSE by luisvilla;


  1. Wha...*mouth opening and closing like a fish*...Dude! Commie!

  2. Do over! That contest was culturally biased!

  3. Ha! Wait, does that mean the Germans win? Because that's not a good idea. Or it it just us Scots? Either way - ha!

  4. Europe should win, sorry America, you're just slacking these days.

  5. Tish: So am I black listed now?
    DG: Culturally biased by an American? Who said America loses? Doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. I'd say we let a Canadian try it, since they aren't involved, but they have to agree to stop watching hockey first. Those are the rules. I don't make them.
    Anna: Oh no, not just the Germans. That could be dangerous. The Scottish, too, especialyl since I have some ancestry that dates back there.
    Brian: Sadly true.

  6. I do think these categories are cultrually biased toward Europeans. We can't beat them at fruity-pants stuff like Archery and Chess and have you ever known a German tourist not to have their nuggets hanging out of an ill-fitting speedo? They should get points for blatant disregard of body type an proriety from the jump. I'm just saying that we never had a chance. Shoulda threw up the white flag and limped home before we got our wine-in-a-box-drinkin asses beaten in public.

  7. I'd like to see infants vs. the elderly.
    What? It'd be a good, clean fight.

  8. DG: Fair enough. And better put than I ever could.
    Kristine: Ohhh, I like it. Consider it done.

  9. Ok, is it really fair to pit the U.S. (one country) against Europe (I don't know how many, but a lot more than one countries)? I'm sure we'd kick ass on an individual level.

  10. I cast my vote for Europe--home of da Vinci, Shakespeare, and Hugh Laurie.

  11. Prosy: Oh definitely. But you know, we had to give them a little advantage. Like a 20 or 30 country advantage, to be fair and all.
    Musing: Ha, all susperb artists. Have you seen the newest House? Quality, as always.