Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Incredible Hulk

Two giant green guys tussling for the top. It sounds like the title to the next big youtube video or martian gay porn. Mostly the later. But it's neither. It's a showdown between a tall spokesman for the Green Giant food company and a Jekyll and Hyde like Marvel superhero.
I just called Kermit and Yoda, because we're about to get green, bitches, and find out Who's More Awesome.

Chess: We don't know much about Jolly's intelligence, but since he's basically just a really tall green guy in a tunic, we can assume he has no greater than average human intelligence. The Hulk is more complicated. As the Hulk, his intelligence can range anywhere from a bumbling, neanderthal to a clever and conniving creature. But the first is more common. That said, Bruce Banner (Hulk's human form) is a genius. Literally, a genius. So point one goes to Hulk, so long as he can keep his anger in check.

Wine Tasting: All that time around food had to rub off on Jolly's sense of smell and taste. Plus, you can't rip your clothes and throw cars around in a wine tasting, Hulk. Point one for the Green Giant.

Fighting: The Hulk spends all his time fighting people. That's what he does, day in and day out. He might as well fill out a time sheet for it and start getting paid. Jolly on the other just tromps around green fields looking like he's headed to an environmentally themed toga party. He'd serve up a can of peas and the Hulk would counter with a can of whoop ass. Point two for Mr. Incredible. Trust me, Jolly, you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Swimsuit: The Jolly Green Giant all the way. He's already wearing one. Ripped purple pants do not count, Hulk. Yeah, She Hulk may be wearing a swimsuit too, but she's frighteningly ripped, and that really detracts from the swimsuit. Plus this isn't about her, it's about you. Point goes to the vegetable lover.

Archery: I seem to hit on this point in almost every post, but at the risk of beating a dead archer, hand dexterity is key. The Hulk's massive mitts don't exactly look nimble. The Green Giant pulls ahead with his third point.

Pie Eating: Are you kidding me? Clearly, the Hulk. Not only is he constantly active, burning tons (literally, tons) of calories that need to be replenished, but he also just looks like the kind of guy who has a serious appetite. The Jolly Green Giant on the other hand just sort of stands around and for a guy representing a food company, he doesn't look all that hungry. Point three for The Hulk and it's tied up.

Racing: Sure, Jolly's got more of a runner's look going on. Tall, lean, clothing that's a bit too revealing. But one of the Hulk's powers is speed, despite his appearance. With legs that strong, he can run, bound, and leap incredible distances incredibly fast. 4-3 the Hulk.

A victory for Stan Lee, nerds, and anyone who can't control their anger, and a defeat for everyone who enjoys frozen or canned vegetables.
Coming soon to a blog near you: Europe Vs. The US, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Leave any competition suggestions in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo World's Largest Jolly Green Giant by Mykl Roventine;
(flickr photo Hulk Up Close And Personal: 09/10/06 by kiwanja;


  1. Let's face it, both green dudes are all kinds of sexy. On looks alone, I might prefer the toga-clad stylin of Jolly Green. However, overall I am with you on the Hulk. He is one kick-ass hunk of verdigris man flesh and I would fear for my life were I to oppose him.

  2. You ended with "a victory for Stan Lee" which is how everything in the world should end. Even though I read more DC. But still.

  3. The Jolly Green Giant would get his balls ripped off and then handed to him in like 10 milliseconds.

  4. I couldn't get past the fact that there seems to be a statue of the green bean guy.

  5. DG: I fear you have an unhealthy attraction to green men. I recommend staying away from anyone, as outside of commercials and comics it's either a sign of sickness or insanity.
    Anna: I agree.
    Brian: Yeah, that's good way of summing this one up.
    Tish: Would it help if I told you the statue is in Minnesota? Would that explain it a little?

  6. Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex


    Can't wait for that one!

  7. Yeah guess whose idea that was.... Also what was that crack about minnesota.

  8. Crow: Yeah, seriously
    The Source (John): I kid. You know I love Minnesnowda. You and Atmosphere are from there. Plus, the Jolly Green Giant isn't in St. Paul/Minneapolis, Minnesota, it's in middle of nowhere farmingville Minnesota.

  9. Like a lamb to the slaughter, one is a beast, truly, the other tries to get small children to eat their vegetables...

  10. I'm saddened at the Jolly's defeat. Its probably for the best that the Hulk wins though, because if Jolly beat him, he'd get all angry and decimate a village or something. Jolly would probably be a graceful loser.

  11. can you imagine a fight between them? that will be awesome, a show difficult to see in millions of years. I have to say that I'll support Hulk, only because I love comics personages.

  12. The comparison has not sense, I mean, it's obvious Hulk will be the winner because he is accustomed to fight and injuring his opponents, don't you think? cos for me that's obvious!

  13. No way i dont care how much the hulk can fight green giant would just step on his ass

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