Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Republicans Vs. Democrats
As inevitable as it is, I've been dreading this one more than Superman dreads kryptonite. Aside from religion, there's very little that people take as seriously as politics. No matter who comes out on top, people will be pissed.
So to keep me from getting skewered like a shrimp in an Australian BBQ (sorry Australians, I couldn't help it), let me make it known that the results and any jokes made along the way do not necessarily reflect the views of the author.* Actually, my political beliefs are centered around Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If only our government had more pizza without anchovies this whole goddamn economic catastrophe would finally be solved! And hey, no matter who wins, at least we aren't in a totalitarian state in which this contest would be titled people who agree with the government in power vs. people without heads.
Pull out your elephant shirt and donkey cap, because we're about get all political in this motherfucker so we can find out Who's More Awesome.
Fighting: Two words: second amendment. Sorry democrats, but the republicans are packing heat, and that puts an end to any fight. Point one for the GOP.
Wine Tasting: The democrats pull this one off due to their continuous efforts to save all things environmental, which coincidentally includes grapes. Although eventually we'll just make wine out of high fructose corn syrup, like we do with everything else, but we'll save that one for sugar vs. anything and everything that tastes like sugar. Recommend it, someone. Do it. I dare you. Point one for the democrats.
Pie Eating: Let's be honest, even if it means stereotyping a bit. Pie eating competitions are a red state thing, a farming state thing. That's what they do, and they do it well. Point two for the republicans.
Swimsuit: Unfortunately for the democrats Miss USAs predominantly come from red states. Texas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, Missouri, and somehow Massachusetts snuck in there, but she's the only one and her state's the size of a small city anyway. With actual swimsuit contest winners backing them up, the republicans take a third point.
Chess: This time chess has nothing to do with intelligence or strategy. If I even begin to comment on that with politics, one side or another is probably going to pamphlet, petition, and bumper sticker me to death. But chess is a timed game, and if I've learned anything about the previous administration's ability to set time limits and put and end to things (eg. a war in a place that starts with I and ends with Raq), it's that they can't. Point two for the democrats.
Racing: Check this out. That's right, world, our new president's work out has people gasping. So does our economy. But whatever, Obama lifts weights, and that's what's really important, right? Anyways, my point is that the democratic party's most prominent figure could probably kick your ass in a sprint, a 10K, or just in general. The democrats tie things up.
Archery: The only people who still use bows and arrows are hunters. Occasionally. When their 65 assault rifles (deer hunting assault rifles, mind you) are in the shop. And hunting, like pie eating, is pretty much a red state thing. So the republicans take this one, and violently so. 4-3.
Fuck the petting zoo and its donkeys, let's go to a real zoo and see some elephants, because the republicans just won. Hey, after the democrats' recent presidential victory, it's only fair the republicans get this fake blog victory.
Coming soon: The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, and Men Vs. Women.
Suggestions for a face off? Leave them in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
*When I pick a winner it doesn't have anything to do with which I like better in real life (I like pie better than cake, to use the former contest as an example) it's more about what result will make each contest make more sense/be funnier.
(flickr photo Donkey by moose.boy; http://www.flickr.com/photos/alces/47422069/)
(flickr photo Big 5 - Elephant by TheLizardQueen; http://www.flickr.com/photos/lizard_queen/114587853/)