The original request was for a "Penis vs. Vagina" contest, but since the requester chose to remain anonymous, I decided that I wasn't really obligated to put PENIS in large letter at the top of my blog. Maybe I'll reconsider when he un-anonymouses himself, but for now, I'm sticking with the vaguer and less pornographic title.
This face-off (or groin-off) doesn't really need much of an introduction, but if you'd like one, I recommend asking a parent, coworker, or significant other about "the birds and the bees." And if they start talking to you about ornithology and entomology, ask someone else.
Hold onto your zippers and make sure your underwear drawer is full, because we're gonna take a look down everyone's pants and find out Who's More Awesome.
Racing: Hhhhmmmm, how best to put this? Well, the man tool, uh, reaches the finish line faster than the female tool, generally and stereotypically speaking. Ah fuck it, the common perception is that it takes a vagina longer to climax than a penis, and so the racing portion of this competition is the only instance in which premature ejaculation pays off. Point one for the man junk.
Chess: I doubt either sex organ does much strategic thinking. Or any thinking. But men's tend to get them in more trouble for taking over the functions of the real thinker, the brain, where as women's usually keep to themselves and let the mind do its thing, and so a woman's secret garden takes point one and ties it up.
Archery: Well, um...yeah. Among men, a man's ability to aim his, uh, unit is a thing of pride. Why do you think there's that little soap thingy in the urinal? It's a bulls-eye. A man's culture is one that highly values aiming. So although neither organ can actually fire a bow and arrow, a penis would try harder. Harder was a bad choice of words. Try more. Point two for Dick Gerhardt.
Fighting: You know what? No. No fucking way. I am not doing this one. There are just too many bad jokes, too many implications, and too many potential crimes involved in a penis and vagina fight. So since I'm 99.999999999999999999999999% sure that whoever asked this question has a penis, I award this category to the vagina. Tied up 2-2.
Pie Eating: Again the junior high school style jokes abound, but I can't cop out of two categories so here goes. The vagina is, well, an intake area. The penis is not. So while neither of these two eat pie, exactly, one has the capacity to, and the other doesn't. If you're starting to visualize anything, stop! Just trust me here. 3 points for the vagina.
Swimsuit: Like in the last one, we're gonna stick to technicalities, and steer very clear of anything else. Vaginas are predominately internal, penises are predominately external. Something internal can't really wear a bathing suit; you can't put a bathing suit on your liver. But something external can; say your hand or foot. And so the more external organs take their third point.
Wine Tasting: They can't smell, the can't taste, the are always hidden in public settings, and although alcohol is often successful at bringing sex organs out, for that to happen at a place as stuffy as a wine tasting would require wine spiked with everclear. So, I go back to the intake point made in pie eating. And the Notorious V.A.G.s win, 4-3.
Feminists rejoice! Or not. I'm not really sure this is a victory.
And let's make a deal everyone. Like most instances involving sex organs, alcohol, arrows, and pastries, let's forget this ever happened, and be really awkward about it when we pass on the street.
Now that I've got that out of the way, here's what's on the books for the future: cats vs. dogs, politicians vs. entertainers, and the balrog vs. the shai-hulud.
If you have any suggestions, leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo Hot Dog on a Bun by TheBusyBrain; http://www.flickr.com/photos/thebusybrain/2632651360/)
(fickr photo Tofu Tacos with Chipotle Lime Ranch by norwichnuts; http://www.flickr.com/photos/veganfeast/3307723513/)