Sunday, March 1, 2009

Female Reproductive Organ Vs. Male Reproductive Organ

The original request was for a "Penis vs. Vagina" contest, but since the requester chose to remain anonymous, I decided that I wasn't really obligated to put PENIS in large letter at the top of my blog. Maybe I'll reconsider when he un-anonymouses himself, but for now, I'm sticking with the vaguer and less pornographic title.
This face-off (or groin-off) doesn't really need much of an introduction, but if you'd like one, I recommend asking a parent, coworker, or significant other about "the birds and the bees." And if they start talking to you about ornithology and entomology, ask someone else.
Hold onto your zippers and make sure your underwear drawer is full, because we're gonna take a look down everyone's pants and find out Who's More Awesome.

Racing: Hhhhmmmm, how best to put this? Well, the man tool, uh, reaches the finish line faster than the female tool, generally and stereotypically speaking. Ah fuck it, the common perception is that it takes a vagina longer to climax than a penis, and so the racing portion of this competition is the only instance in which premature ejaculation pays off. Point one for the man junk.

Chess: I doubt either sex organ does much strategic thinking. Or any thinking. But men's tend to get them in more trouble for taking over the functions of the real thinker, the brain, where as women's usually keep to themselves and let the mind do its thing, and so a woman's secret garden takes point one and ties it up.

Archery: Well, um...yeah. Among men, a man's ability to aim his, uh, unit is a thing of pride. Why do you think there's that little soap thingy in the urinal? It's a bulls-eye. A man's culture is one that highly values aiming. So although neither organ can actually fire a bow and arrow, a penis would try harder. Harder was a bad choice of words. Try more. Point two for Dick Gerhardt.

Fighting: You know what? No. No fucking way. I am not doing this one. There are just too many bad jokes, too many implications, and too many potential crimes involved in a penis and vagina fight. So since I'm 99.999999999999999999999999% sure that whoever asked this question has a penis, I award this category to the vagina. Tied up 2-2.

Pie Eating: Again the junior high school style jokes abound, but I can't cop out of two categories so here goes. The vagina is, well, an intake area. The penis is not. So while neither of these two eat pie, exactly, one has the capacity to, and the other doesn't. If you're starting to visualize anything, stop! Just trust me here. 3 points for the vagina.

Swimsuit: Like in the last one, we're gonna stick to technicalities, and steer very clear of anything else. Vaginas are predominately internal, penises are predominately external. Something internal can't really wear a bathing suit; you can't put a bathing suit on your liver. But something external can; say your hand or foot. And so the more external organs take their third point.

Wine Tasting: They can't smell, the can't taste, the are always hidden in public settings, and although alcohol is often successful at bringing sex organs out, for that to happen at a place as stuffy as a wine tasting would require wine spiked with everclear. So, I go back to the intake point made in pie eating. And the Notorious V.A.G.s win, 4-3.

Feminists rejoice! Or not. I'm not really sure this is a victory.
And let's make a deal everyone. Like most instances involving sex organs, alcohol, arrows, and pastries, let's forget this ever happened, and be really awkward about it when we pass on the street.
Now that I've got that out of the way, here's what's on the books for the future: cats vs. dogs, politicians vs. entertainers, and the balrog vs. the shai-hulud.
If you have any suggestions, leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo Hot Dog on a Bun by TheBusyBrain;
(fickr photo Tofu Tacos with Chipotle Lime Ranch by norwichnuts;


  1. No way should the penis get the point for aim? seriously aim? I have yet to meet a man who didn't hit the seat, you know the one that surrounds the, oh I don't know, lets say, MASSIVE, hole that your are supposed to pee into, not on to....I know someone who used to call a vagina a hairy pie, so I guess, oh god, I'm too ashamed to finish typing.....

  2. Haha, I figured this would be the entry to get the most angry comments. True, most guys have horribly awful aim. That said, if there's a girl who can aim at all, she's probably too busy putting on shows at Mexican bars to compete. Plus, even if I did change it, the vaginas would still win. And I've heard of the hairy pie term...though of using it, but didn't..and then you did, so thanks.

  3. Finally! A definitive answer! Now I'll have to go get myself a female sex organ to play around with. Which, if you don't include the "sex" part, sounds like I'm going to go to a church for lesbians and try and take lessons.

  4. Again, I have to take issue with the archery one. You lot can't pee without putting the entire seat up - but yet you've just admitted you can hit the urinal soap easily. So either admit you lied and award the archery to the vagina, or admit that you really don't need to keep leaving the damned seat up or I'm going public with this.

    That said, great post, and I'm glad the vagina won.

  5. That was classy, man. Way to take the high road.

    I guess I'll just have to for the old porn standby for my daily dose of smut.

  6. Dude, you are killin' me with this. Awesome.

    I'm plugging you in my blog post tomorrow, FYI.

    (Guess I shouldn't use the phrase "plugging you," with this particular post, huh? I know. Just wrong.)

    :^) Anna

  7. Kurt: You don't go to a lesbian church? In this day and age, I thought we all did.
    Anna: It sounds like you and "letters" are going into bathrooms after a lot of men who haven't practiced their aim. These unsuccessful men are giving us all a terrible name, and I'll have to duel them to right the reputation of man as a creature who can aim his johnson. But I do know the epidemic you speak of, but as said before, most women can't aim at all when it comes to this category. But that doesn't mean there's not a better way to judge this than urination (how proud would my parents be of that sentence) so I'll think on it and get back to you.
    Tish: Thanks. And sorry I couldn't help satiate your smut lust. It's just not really in the scope of this blog.
    Anna: Thanks! That's awesome of you. I'm glad you like it so. And yeah, plugging might not be the best verb to go with right now.

  8. Here by way of Anna's blog, and totally loving the randomness of this. I really want to know cake versus pie, but of, course, there is the inanimate object problem here. So how about: Jolly Green Giant versus The Hulk or Sasquatch versus The Abominable Snowman?

  9. Ohh, all are good. And even though they are inanimate, I like cake vs. pie. Espeically the idea of pies in a pie eating contest. I'll think about it. Might be able to do it.
    The other two are both great. Abominable snowman and sasquatch is a classic match up, and very clever pairing two larger geen guys. I never would have though of them facing off, but it definitely works. Thanks!

  10. A duel? so, instead of pistols at dawn, were looking at piss-tools....seriously, there isn't enough beads on the rosary for me to make amends....

  11. It's just to hard to resist these jokes with this subject. It's like junior high school all over again.

  12. My female forebears were able to keep a one room log cabin with a dirt floor cleaner than I keep my 20th century home and I'd feel really bad about that except for one clear advantage she had: her husband peed OUTSIDE.

    (Anna's tampon (French for "plug" - no kidding) worked -- I came to visit at her suggestion.)

  13. Ha, I'm glad it worked. And really, that's what tampon means? It makes sense but it's also startling at the same time.

  14. a ferret vs poseidon. when you have the time. know what i'm saying?

  15. nice dear
    i m looking a nice girl any one for me

  16. Obviously the female reproductive organ, because it has more functions than the male reproductive organ has. The principal reason is that it can give birth.

  17. I think it's impossible to select one when we know both are so important. Maybe female reproductive organ has more functions, but we can not discriminate male reproductive organ.

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