Being non-native to either region, there will be no hometown bias. I’m from Los Angeles, which is geographically and culturally pretty damn far from either New England or the Tri-State Area. But I have spent the last five years in various parts of the East Coast, and so I’ve learned pretty quickly that New Englanders hate New York, and New Yorkers forgets that New England exists.
New England is made up of Maine, famous for lobsters and logging; New Hampshire, famous for a mountain with a face on it (which no longer has that face on it); Vermont, famous for cheese and same-sex marriage; Rhode Island, famous for being small; Massachusetts, famous for elitism, racism, lots of crucial historical events, and having a ton of colleges; and the New England part of Connecticut, famous for not being the New York part.
There are a number of other Tri-State Areas (Chicagoland, for example) but this time we’re talking about the region surrounding New York City. It’s made up of Northern New Jersey, famous for being dirty; the New York part of Connecticut, famous for being rich as shit; and, of course, New York City and a few surrounding counties, famous for being the epitome of a big city amongst a ton of other shit.
All right, slip into your I Heart NYC shirts and your Red Sox hats, it’s time to find out Who’s More Awesome.
Racing: New England has the marathon of all marathons: the Boston Marathon. Point one goes to New England.
Chess: In 1977 Bobby Fischer, a supreme chess badass, won three games against a computer meant to beat him with ease. While Fischer was originally born in Chicago, he lived a majority of his life, including many of his chess-related years in Brooklyn. The computer he kicked the chess shit out of was developed in at MIT in Cambridge, MA. The Tri-State takes chess.
Archery: If there’s a city more obsessed with their sports teams than Boston, I want to know about it so that we can send them psychological help immediately. If archery suddenly became an important sport, and one in which they had a chance of beating New York, New Englanders would spend more 90% of all their region’s money buying the best archery team imaginable. Even if doing so has been one of their main complaints against the Yankees for years and years. Hypocrisy, it’s the American way. Points to New England, 2-1.
Fighting: The Tri-State 100%. Sorry, New England, but hear me out. First, there’s the fact that toughness and assholishness is at the core of the New Yorker stereotype. This combines with the fact that they get people for Newark on their side, too, and Newark is scary as shit. Second, there are the numbers. The Tri-State area will be coming at this competition with a significantly larger army than New England. NYC is the most populous city in the nation, Boston is 21st. The entire city of Boston is smaller than every single NY borough except for Staten Island. Plus The Tri-State has a bunch of fairly populated New Jersey cities, while New England has New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, and Rhode Island, four states that have a total population of about 6. 2-2.
Pie Eating: Pie eating is most definitely a rural event, and besides Boston, New England is most definitely a rural place. New York City and its surrounding areas: not so rural. In fact New York City is really as far from rural as you can get. Point to New England. 3-2.
Swimsuit: Like in fighting, I have to come back to population. The more people you have, the more likely you’ll have a few who look extremely hot in a bathing suit. Plus, where do models, actors and actresses, and other attractive people go to make it big other than LA? That’s right, New York. When was the last time you heard of a model/actress getting their “big break” in Boston? Points to the Tri-State. 3-3.
Wine Tasting: Neither region is exactly a wine powerhouse, but still this one isn’t easy. New England, specifically Massachusetts and Connecticut, has the pretentious snobbery and elitism necessary for wine tasting. But then again, New York can also be pretty damn pretentious when they want to be, too. But then I found this. Guess what, New England? That’s not fucking okay. “Sauvignyoouuk Blanc?” No! Stop that! Seriously, you have an unhealthy obsession with baseball. But more pertinent to this competition, that shit will NOT fly at a wine tasting. Ever. But guess what? The fucking Yankees have a wine too. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? But when you google image search “Red Sox Wine” you get assaulted with wine bottles plastered with steroidal, unshaven faces. On the other hand, when you google image search “Yankees Wine” you only have to see two bottles of wine. As always, google images has the final word. It’s a lame way to win, and a slim victory at best, but points must go to the Tri-State Area for being ever so slightly less okay with baseball themed wine. They win it, 4-3.
Sorry, New England. Get back to me when you start drinking grown up wine, and I’ll think about changing the results.
Coming Soon: Responding to all competition rebuttals, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor, Humans Vs. Animals.
Have an idea for a competition? Leave it in the comments.
(flickr photo RED SOX NATION by Oscalito; http://www.flickr.com/photos/oscalito/237301508/)(flickr photo My latest Yankees cap by wfyurasko; http://www.flickr.com/photos/wfyurasko/2763343672/)