Republicans Vs. Democrats

As inevitable as it is, I've been dreading this one more than Superman dreads kryptonite. Aside from religion, there's very little that people take as seriously as politics. No matter who comes out on top, people will be pissed.
So to keep me from getting skewered like a shrimp in an Australian BBQ (sorry Australians, I couldn't help it), let me make it known that the results and any jokes made along the way do not necessarily reflect the views of the author.* Actually, my political beliefs are centered around Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If only our government had more pizza without anchovies this whole goddamn economic catastrophe would finally be solved! And hey, no matter who wins, at least we aren't in a totalitarian state in which this contest would be titled people who agree with the government in power vs. people without heads.
Pull out your elephant shirt and donkey cap, because we're about get all political in this motherfucker so we can find out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: Two words: second amendment. Sorry democrats, but the republicans are packing heat, and that puts an end to any fight. Point one for the GOP.

Wine Tasting: The democrats pull this one off due to their continuous efforts to save all things environmental, which coincidentally includes grapes. Although eventually we'll just make wine out of high fructose corn syrup, like we do with everything else, but we'll save that one for sugar vs. anything and everything that tastes like sugar. Recommend it, someone. Do it. I dare you. Point one for the democrats.

Pie Eating: Let's be honest, even if it means stereotyping a bit. Pie eating competitions are a red state thing, a farming state thing. That's what they do, and they do it well. Point two for the republicans.

Swimsuit: Unfortunately for the democrats Miss USAs predominantly come from red states. Texas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, Missouri, and somehow Massachusetts snuck in there, but she's the only one and her state's the size of a small city anyway. With actual swimsuit contest winners backing them up, the republicans take a third point.

Chess: This time chess has nothing to do with intelligence or strategy. If I even begin to comment on that with politics, one side or another is probably going to pamphlet, petition, and bumper sticker me to death. But chess is a timed game, and if I've learned anything about the previous administration's ability to set time limits and put and end to things (eg. a war in a place that starts with I and ends with Raq), it's that they can't. Point two for the democrats.

Racing: Check this out. That's right, world, our new president's work out has people gasping. So does our economy. But whatever, Obama lifts weights, and that's what's really important, right? Anyways, my point is that the democratic party's most prominent figure could probably kick your ass in a sprint, a 10K, or just in general. The democrats tie things up.

Archery: The only people who still use bows and arrows are hunters. Occasionally. When their 65 assault rifles (deer hunting assault rifles, mind you) are in the shop. And hunting, like pie eating, is pretty much a red state thing. So the republicans take this one, and violently so. 4-3.

Fuck the petting zoo and its donkeys, let's go to a real zoo and see some elephants, because the republicans just won. Hey, after the democrats' recent presidential victory, it's only fair the republicans get this fake blog victory.
Coming soon: The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, and Men Vs. Women.
Suggestions for a face off? Leave them in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
*When I pick a winner it doesn't have anything to do with which I like better in real life (I like pie better than cake, to use the former contest as an example) it's more about what result will make each contest make more sense/be funnier.

(flickr photo Donkey by moose.boy; http://www.flickr.com/photos/alces/47422069/)
(flickr photo Big 5 - Elephant by TheLizardQueen; http://www.flickr.com/photos/lizard_queen/114587853/)

Cake Vs. Pie

No, this has nothing to do with an indie rock band from Sacramento or the number 3.14, although maybe I'll pit the guys who wrote "The Distance" and a never ending number against each other sometime soon. Considering some of the weird requests I get on here, it's very possible.
But this one is more logical: a show down at high noon between the two most famous sweet and delicious dessert pastries of the Western world.
Put your diet on hold and grab a fork and napkin so that we can dig into this one and find out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: I have no idea why I think this, and I really can't explain it at all, but cakes would fight dirty. You know it and I know it. They just seem like they'd be the kind of pastries to throw rabbit punches and knees to the groin, while a pie would play by the rules and be done for in no time. Point one for cakes based on completely illogical reasoning.

Chess: But all the time and careful consideration that goes into pie making and all that painstaking work on the crust is emblematic of a desert that thinks about its each and every move. Pie takes it's first point.

Swimsuit: Sexiness is cake's domain. When was the last time you saw a stripper jump out of a pie? Never, that's when. But a cake? You'd be hard-pressed to find a cake that didn't come with a stripper. Okay, maybe not, but you catch my drift. The cake gets it's second point with almost no effort. A piece of cake.

Archery: There's something old-fashioned about archery and there's something old-fashioned about pie. One says "the weapon native peoples of America used centuries ago to defended against their destruction by the European settlers" and the other says "the food European settlers ate after destroying the native peoples." While cake says "weddings and comfort food," neither of which blend well with archery. Easy as pie, it's all tied up again.

Wine Tasting: Cake seems fitting for a wine tasting, but pies are filled with fruits whose flavors are abundant in many wines. A pie would easily be able to recognize a wine's tastes. Point 3 for the pie.

Racing: The problem here should be obvious. Neither of these two move. At all. Ever. That is, except for this cake. And this cake. And definitely this cake. And it's tied up at 3 each.

Pie Eating: We had to end here, didn't we? A pie in a pie eating contest. As much as I love pie, I can't in good conscience give this contest to pie, because in no way do I promote cannibalism. It's disgusting and shameful...that is unless I'm really hungry, and there's nothing else around, and you look like you might go well with some Chipotle sauce. The cake wins, 4-3.

I don't care how American apple pie is, because this time the dessert of weddings and birthdays all across the nation is victorious. Let them eat cake! And take that goddamn pie out of the sky.
Also, if you liked this post, check out this blog. It's good shit, trust me, and it's also topical considering today's winner.
Coming soon: Republicans Vs. Democrats, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, and Men Vs. Women.
Want to see two awesome things face off? Leave a comment and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flick photo Chocolate Fudge Cake by tracyhunter; http://www.flickr.com/photos/tracyhunter/110294234/in/photostream/)
(flickr photo Apple raspberry pie by Caitlinator; http://www.flickr.com/photos/caitlinator/2971879868/)

Balrog Vs. Shai-Hulud

For those who aren't ninth level nerd dork geek dweebs (which requires a very high prescription of glasses and a very low knowledge of popular culture), this is essentially epic fantasy monster vs. epic science fiction monster.
The Balrog is a fiery demon about twice the size of a man armed with whips and steel-like claws, and comes from J.R.R. Tolkien's mind. It is most commonly recognized for it's Lord of the Rings role as "that thing that kills Gandalf in the first one." Check out this clip for a refresher.
The Shai-Hulud are giant sandworms who can grow up to 400 meters long with a diameter of 40 meters, and potentially larger. Their mouth's are stuffed with sharp and durable teeth. They're the creation on Frank Hubert, and play a major role in one of science fiction's greatest series, the Dune series. It's less likely you've heard of them, so if you haven't, check out this clip to get a basic idea (3:15 is the first glimpse of the worm).
All right, nerds and nerdettes, pause your Legend of Zelda game, and pull out your epic novels so we can find out Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Neither of these two are wine connoisseurs, but a sandworm has no hands, and so he can't lift the wine glass. The Balrog does. Well, I guess he has talons, actually, but close enough. He gets the point for sort of, kind of being able to lift the glass.

Chess: Intelligence is no matter, because the sandworm still can't grasp, and thus, can't play chesss. In most of Leto II's sand worm stages, he could grasp, but that's because of his human side. So since the sandworm can't pick up chess pieces, point two goes to the Balrog and his badass claw-hands.

Racing: The Shai-Hulud are used as a form of transportation, and no one saddles up slow animals. Last time I checked, there aren't too many people hitching up their Galapagos Tortoises, and if there are, someone please tell them to buy a fucking Amtrak ticket or jump on the subway. I'm pretty sure some of the people on those trains are half tortoise anyway, so they'll fit right in. My point: The Shai-Hulud are fast, and so they take this one.

Pie Eating: The size difference between "twice the size of a man" and 400m by 40m is just kind of a big deal. In fact, it's a huge deal. Literally. The Shai-Hulud could eat a ton more pies than the Balrog, tying it up at 2 each.

Archery: But now we come back to that lack of hand-like things with which the sandworm is afflicted. Not to mention that the Balrog is used to handling weaponry. Point three for that great ball of fire.

Fighting: In their respective world's they are both virtually indestructible. And since Tolkein is so vague about the Balrog's physical form and features, and so contradictory depending on what book you read (LOTR or The Silmarillion), and because the sizes of Shai-Hulud vary so much, it isn't easy to accurately predict the outcome of a fight. But the Shai-Hulud is also the name for a metal/punk band influenced by Frank Herbert's creation, and let's be honest, this lead singer is a man who will kick your ass. So the fighting point goes to the overgrown worms of Dune for adding a few more mosh pits to this world.

Swimsuit: I don't know if I can even rate this one, because it's just too sexy. I can barely contain myself as it is, and to describe these two in bathing suits, sensual detail after sensual detail, may just bring me...wait, this isn't Jessica Alba in Sin City Vs. Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four? Giant demon Vs. Giant worm? That's, uh...that's not sexy at all. That's anti-sexy. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Can a worm even wear a bathing suit? I didn't think so. True, the demon's fire would engulf a swimsuit. And the sandworms do live in the sand, and where do we find the highest percentage of bikinis? That's right, on or near sand. It's kind of a weak way to win, but regardless, you deserve it, Shai-Hulud. 4-3.

Maybe this victory will inspire someone to work on a Dune movie that's actually well-made and does the book justice. I know, funny, right? A well-made Dune movie, hahahahahahahaha. Hi-lar-ious. Best joke I've ever told. Let's just hope the Star Trek movie doesn't suck a Vulcan nut.
Coming Attractions: Cake Vs. Pie, Republicans Vs. Democrats, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, and Hollywood Vs. Bollywood.
Have a suggestion? Leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo The Lord of The Rings by Serdal; http://www.flickr.com/photos/serdal/3133167924/)
(flickr photo Dune by ryanrocketship; http://www.flickr.com/photos/ryanrocketship/541928411/)

Cats Vs. Dogs

There are very few competitions that run as deep as the that of history's two most popular pets. From the battle of Oh Fuck Yes I Got this Cat All the Way Up a Tree to the invasion at I'm Going to Smack That Dog in the Face with My Claw Mountain, canine and feline, in reality and in the minds of the humans they live with, have warred.
So, with a fistful of tennis balls and pockets stuffed with yarn, we'll move to the front lines to decide Who's More Awesome.

Racing: If you take their larger relatives into account, the cat has it, because nothing says fast like a cheetah. But we're not going to take wild relatives into account, because this is about the house pets. And well, dogs have the slender, elongated genes of greyhounds and whippets on their side, and so they take their first point.

Chess: But when it comes to being clever and conniving, the sort of traits that suit one well in chess, cats reign supreme. Plus, couldn't you just see a cat playing chess? Maybe in a smoking jacket, with a little cat pipe filled with catnip? I Can Has Cheezburger, you have a mission, cats and chess, go! Point one for los gatos.

Archery: I'm pretty sure there's absolutely nothing a dog can do with his paws other than walk, run, and give high fives. Cats on the other hand (or paw) can do all sorts of shit. I wouldn't be surprised if someday I found one opening a safe and knitting a sweater at the same time. It's amazing the things they can do and all without any thumbs. They would have much better luck with the mechanics of archery, giving them their second point.


Fighting: Sure this is all hypothetical, but I wouldn't put it past PETA to get hypothetically mad about a hypothetical dog and cat fight (they did where KKK outfits, after all), so we'll keep this one out of any specifics. First shot, I thought cats. They have claws, and they love using them. They're more agile. And they have a bossy attitude. Sure, some cats are frightened of anything that moves, but a tough cat doesn't take shit from anyone or anything, including a dog. Yet there are two road blocks in their way to success. 1.) Size. Although some dogs are smaller than cats, on average, dogs are bigger, and often they're much bigger. Like, big enough that if things got really heavy and an all out fight occurred, they could probably fit a cat in their mouth. Seriously, have you seen a Newfoundland lately? Fucking gigantic. 2.) Packs. Cats work alone. But dogs love large groups. There's strength in numbers, and dogs have numbers. Cats don't. Point two for los perros.


Pie Eating: I go back to the size point made above. Plus cats can be really picky about what they eat, and might turn down a pie if it weren't made by a French chef who went to a prestigious culinary school and has been working in the world's finest restaurant for thirty-five years. Dogs, on the other hand, have been known to eat poop. Point three for the wolf's pampered cousin.


Wine Tasting: Remember how I just talked about the refinement of cats? It applies here, too. I'm pretty sure they hold wine tastings when we're not home anyway. They probably pronounces all the French and Italian words correctly, and swish the wine around for exactly the right amount of time, and say things like astringent and tannin. Damn sophisticated snobs. They tie it at three points a piece.


Swimsuit: Now, I know people like to dress up their pets, but I better not find out about anyone putting bikinis or swim trunks on their dogs or cats, or I'm going to go Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of the first Predator movie on you all. There are some lines you don't cross, and that's one of them. But as I said with Penguin Vs. Monkey, this isn't about swimwear, it's about the sex appeal of a dog to a dog or a cat to a cat. Both these animals seem to get down a lot (hence why spaying and neutering is so heavily advocated). So that doesn't get us anywhere. But, sorry cats, because dogs have a sex position named after them. It's not kittystyle, and so, unfortunately for the felines, dogs are victorious, 4-3. Cats, maybe you should change your name to "reverse cowgirls."


You can spit up hairballs and kick up liter all you want, kittens, but the dogs have this one, so let's give them a treat. Ah ah ah, not until you sit. Good. Stay. Okay, great, you win! And someone keep the cats away from the catnip. I don't want them developing a catnip addiction because they're depressed by their defeat.


And now for a shameless plug for my other blog. I wouldn't do it, except this is probably the only time that the subjects of my two blogs with cross so well. If you liked this post, check out The Things Pets Do, and try it on for size. Wear it around the store a little. It totally wont make you look fat, I promise.
Coming soon to a blog near you: Balrog, Vs. Shai-Hulud, Republicans Vs. Democrats, Cake Vs. Pie, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, and Hollywood Vs. Bollywood.
Have two awesome things that need to be contended? Leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo Tashan by prakhar; http://www.flickr.com/photos/prakhar/2600521281/)
(flickr photo Three Tributes: Updike the Husky by Sapphireblue; http://www.flickr.com/photos/sapphir3blu3/3235526812/)

Politicians Vs. Entertainers

Suggested by human being, this one pits phony sleazeball against phony sleazeball. Politicians run for office and entertainers run for mass-marketed DVDs and CDs, but they're both paid to lie in front of a camera.

Put on your fake smiles, kiss a few babies, and flip off a few paparazzi, because we're going to find out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: Politicians. Hands down. Why? Because there's no one more likely to fight dirty than a politician. An entertainer would spend the whole fight making sure their make up didn't get messed up, while the politician pulled out rabbit punches, elbows, knees to the junk, and the knives he snuck past the ref. Point one for the people who control our lives.

Racing: Again, an easy one. There's no fitness requirement for politiking, but to act in major motion pictures, you have to be in such good shape that it's actually unhealthy, and one way to get there is to run more than Forest Gump. Entertainers tie it up.

Chess: Not so fast Brangelina and your million and a half babies, because as often as you think of smoothies and face lifts, politicians think of clever and conniving strategies. The men and women in suits take this one. Point 2 for the politicians.

Swimsuit: Okay, go back and read the racing section. So as much as we all want to see Nancy Pelosi gone wild, this one goes to the entertainers, who get their second point.

Pie Eating: There's a certain aggression about most politicians that would carry over perfectly into the kind of aggressive eating you see in a pie eating competition. Plus, these guys and gals go to events full of food all the time, so they must be pretty good at eating a lot. Thus they take their third point.

Archery: There are tons of movies containing bad-ass archery: 300, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, The Lord of the Rings, and of course the Disney cartoon version of Robin Hood, to name a few. But how often do politicians take the podium, and fire a dozen burning arrows into the roof of their opponent's cottage? Not often enough. And you know, maybe if they did, we wouldn't have such a shitty economy. Everyone knows rebuilding burned-down cottages creates jobs. Anyway, points go to the entertainers who tie it up at 3s.

Wine Tasting: At those events where the politicians get their eating practice, they also work on their drinking skills. And hey, if you were a politician, you'd drink, too. With a depressing job as their motivation, the politicians take their fourth point and win it.

Although the votes may have been rigged and there are a few hanging chads, the politicians slapped those pretty-boy entertainers around some and came out on top and in charge.
Upcoming competitions: Cats Vs. Dogs, Balrog, Vs. Shai-Hulud, Republicans Vs. Democrats (it had to happen sooner of later), Cake Vs. Pie, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon.
If you have a suggestion, leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo The White House by cliff1066; http://www.flickr.com/photos/nostri-imago/2874036924/)
(flickr photo holllywood sign from my roof by xero79; http://www.flickr.com/photos/xero79/378837837/)

Female Reproductive Organ Vs. Male Reproductive Organ

The original request was for a "Penis vs. Vagina" contest, but since the requester chose to remain anonymous, I decided that I wasn't really obligated to put PENIS in large letter at the top of my blog. Maybe I'll reconsider when he un-anonymouses himself, but for now, I'm sticking with the vaguer and less pornographic title.
This face-off (or groin-off) doesn't really need much of an introduction, but if you'd like one, I recommend asking a parent, coworker, or significant other about "the birds and the bees." And if they start talking to you about ornithology and entomology, ask someone else.
Hold onto your zippers and make sure your underwear drawer is full, because we're gonna take a look down everyone's pants and find out Who's More Awesome.

Racing: Hhhhmmmm, how best to put this? Well, the man tool, uh, reaches the finish line faster than the female tool, generally and stereotypically speaking. Ah fuck it, the common perception is that it takes a vagina longer to climax than a penis, and so the racing portion of this competition is the only instance in which premature ejaculation pays off. Point one for the man junk.

Chess: I doubt either sex organ does much strategic thinking. Or any thinking. But men's tend to get them in more trouble for taking over the functions of the real thinker, the brain, where as women's usually keep to themselves and let the mind do its thing, and so a woman's secret garden takes point one and ties it up.

Archery: Well, um...yeah. Among men, a man's ability to aim his, uh, unit is a thing of pride. Why do you think there's that little soap thingy in the urinal? It's a bulls-eye. A man's culture is one that highly values aiming. So although neither organ can actually fire a bow and arrow, a penis would try harder. Harder was a bad choice of words. Try more. Point two for Dick Gerhardt.

Fighting: You know what? No. No fucking way. I am not doing this one. There are just too many bad jokes, too many implications, and too many potential crimes involved in a penis and vagina fight. So since I'm 99.999999999999999999999999% sure that whoever asked this question has a penis, I award this category to the vagina. Tied up 2-2.

Pie Eating: Again the junior high school style jokes abound, but I can't cop out of two categories so here goes. The vagina is, well, an intake area. The penis is not. So while neither of these two eat pie, exactly, one has the capacity to, and the other doesn't. If you're starting to visualize anything, stop! Just trust me here. 3 points for the vagina.

Swimsuit: Like in the last one, we're gonna stick to technicalities, and steer very clear of anything else. Vaginas are predominately internal, penises are predominately external. Something internal can't really wear a bathing suit; you can't put a bathing suit on your liver. But something external can; say your hand or foot. And so the more external organs take their third point.

Wine Tasting: They can't smell, the can't taste, the are always hidden in public settings, and although alcohol is often successful at bringing sex organs out, for that to happen at a place as stuffy as a wine tasting would require wine spiked with everclear. So, I go back to the intake point made in pie eating. And the Notorious V.A.G.s win, 4-3.

Feminists rejoice! Or not. I'm not really sure this is a victory.
And let's make a deal everyone. Like most instances involving sex organs, alcohol, arrows, and pastries, let's forget this ever happened, and be really awkward about it when we pass on the street.
Now that I've got that out of the way, here's what's on the books for the future: cats vs. dogs, politicians vs. entertainers, and the balrog vs. the shai-hulud.
If you have any suggestions, leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo Hot Dog on a Bun by TheBusyBrain; http://www.flickr.com/photos/thebusybrain/2632651360/)
(fickr photo Tofu Tacos with Chipotle Lime Ranch by norwichnuts; http://www.flickr.com/photos/veganfeast/3307723513/)