Sauron Vs. Darth Vader

With two nerdy competition requests in two days, I figured it was time for a rush order of dorkiness, and so I put some of the other less socially-challenged competitions on the back burner, and rolled up the sleeves of my Watchman shirt.

This pocket-protecting request comes from Anna Russell. Darth Vader you know. He wears all black, covers his disfigured face with a helmet, breathes heavily, and totally digs the Dark Side. Sauron you might not know as well. He's that dude in the first Lord of the Rings movie who's got the crazy all black, spiky costume that looks like it belongs at a death metal concert or an S&M club, and then throughout the remainder of the movies, he's essentially a big floating eye surrounded by fire. Sweet, right?

Push up your glasses and put down your Next Generation DVDs, because it's time to take these two evil overlords and decide Who's More Awesome.

Archery: Neither one is very well equipped to fire a bow and arrow: sauron has no physical form without the Ring and Darth Vader has no arms or legs without his robotic body. But they both command minions (Yes! I'm so fucking excited to use that word), and Sauron's minions, not to mention almost everyone else in the LOTR trilogy, especially Legolas (who knew Orlando Bloom could be such a badass?), fire tons of bows and arrows. Point one for that faithful eye in the sky.

Swimsuit: The whole not having a physical form thing is really gonna fuck stuff up for Sauron, especially in this category. But forgetting that, even when he did have form, the jagged armor he wore would rip up any bathing suit that came in contact. Vader on the other hand has smooth, sleek armor, perfect for a bathing suit. Using "smooth" and "sleek" to describe Darth Vader was kind of creepy, wasn't it? Oh well, regardless, the Dark Side's number one advocate gets his first point.

Chess: This is the first face-0ff thus far in which both competitors are unbelievably qualified for chess. They both manage gigantic armies (see the word "minions" from two paragraphs up. I'm still excited about that), and think in terms of chess-like strategy constantly. Vader's main advantage would be his Jedi mind control, which he could use on anyone but Suaron to force a bad chess move, but Sauron has no body, and so there's no hand to force. But Sauron's ability to see all gives him just enough advantage to scrape ahead of Vader and take point two for the Tolkien crowd.

Racing: Let's forget their individual speeds, because one has no body and the other has no legs. Thinking on a broader scale, Vader lives in space, and we all know that spaceships are ludicrously fast, while things in Middle Earth move at the speed of horses and hobbits. Vader ties it up with his second point.

Fighting: Again, let's neglect a few things. Forget the armies upon armies and the intimidating supernatural abilities. Bring it back to the basics: swords. Well, sword-like things. In the movies, when Suaron has form, he has this gigantic badass scepter which he uses to swat elves and men aside like he's chopping down daises. But Vader and his Star Wars crew have light sabers, and light sabers are pretty much the ultimate in dueling technology. Plus Vader fought his own son and later his boss. The man is always down for a fight, regardless of who he's fighting. And so Vader pulls ahead with his third point.

Wine Tasting: A burnt face is never good for wine tasting, but no face is even worse. But Suaron sees everything, and I'm pretty sure covered-up wine labels are included in everything. Tied again.

Pie Eating: It's a sadly simple way to end things, but sorry Suaron, you have no body and hence no stomach or mouth. You can't eat pies without either of those. Just ask any collagen-injected anorexic actress. So Vader wins it, 4-3, and all he had to do was have a mouth and stomach.

With that Lucas can celebrate again, having redeemed himself from screwing his fans over with episodes 1-3.

Upcoming requested battles: Penis vs. Vagina, Cats Vs. Dogs, Politicians Vs. Entertainers, and The Balrog Vs. The Shai-Hulud.

Have a competition in mind? Leave it in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo Darth Vader 1024x268 by gogen001; http://www.flickr.com/photos/gogen001/2784247641/)

(flickr photo the one ring by Katie Tegtmeyer; http://www.flickr.com/photos/katietegtmeyer/38577075/)

Batman Vs. Wolverine

Angry excessively-muscular comic book hero versus angry excessively-muscular comic book hero with claws. When a friend requested this competition, my nerdy heart sped up like a hummingbird on crack, because I've been a fan of both Batman and Wolverine long before Christian Bale saw the inside of the batsuit or Hugh Jackman donned adamantium claws. Unlike most American boys, I declined heterosexual man crushes on athletes, realizing that it doesn't matter how many touchdowns you have, you're still not gonna get by a set of claws or a batmobile. And so my heterosexual man crushes were focused on disturbed vigilantes in tights. And with those dork credentials stated, let's get this underway, and decide Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Batman (or more accurately, Bruce Wayne) looks the part. Rich, sophisticated, suits with a higher price tag than a bailout. But wolverine, who would have to be dragged in to a wine tasting kicking and clawing, has supernaturally powerful senses, and so, wolverine snatches this one out from under the caped crusader, getting his first point.

Chess: Hold your horses, Logan lovers, because the Bats dominates in Chess. He's a planner and thinker. Wolverine, on the other hand, says things like "bub" and hits on the girlfriend of the guy who shoots lasers out of his eyes; not really thinking things through. Batman ties it up.

Fighting: Remember the scene in the beginning of the first X-Men movie in which Wolverine is cage fighting someone in a bar in some blizzardy town in the middle of nowhere? Yeah, exactly. Point two of Wolverine.

Swimsuit: Again, let's refer to the movies. Do you remember the scene in Batman Begins in which Bruce Wayne jumps into pool in a fancy restaurant while wearing a suit? When you're swimsuit is an actual suit, you're a baller (I tried to find one, but there is no better word than "baller" to describe swimming in a suit). And so, it's tied up again.

Pie Eating: Doesn't wolverine just look like the kind of guy who could dominate an eating contest? Plus, those mutant animal instincts have to give him some mutant animal hunger. Wolverine regains the lead.

Archery: Wolverine's keen senses are a huge advantage here, but nothing beats experience, and after years of accurately firing grappling gun after grappling gun, I've got my money on Batman. And so faster than you can say, "What the fuck is it with you?" things are all tied up again.

Racing: Forget who runs faster, what matters here is who could run faster. What's their motivation to run like hell? For Batman it's a creepy guy who wears make up, a short guy often compared to an arctic bird, and a guy with half his face burnt off. But for Wolverine it's a hairy manimal who named himself after an ancient tiger and a flying human-hater who can bend metal, which is what encases Wolverine's entire bone structure. I think Wolverine has more reason to hightail it. 4-3, Wolverine.

Tell Hugh Jackman to celebrate a little extra at the Oscars, because he just clawed his way to the top, burying a very angry Welsh actor below him
Coming attractions: Penis Vs. Vagina (hey, like I said before, I don't make them up; also, still no clue how I'm going to do this one without crossing over the adult content line) and, on a much more PG note, Cats Vs. Dogs.
Leave any competition suggestions in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo Wolverine - Mighty Muggs by chanchan222; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chanchan222/2847443980/in/set-72157607220448452/)
(flickr photo Batman by chanchan222; http://www.flickr.com/photos/chanchan222/2971258613/)

Sanitation Man Vs. Fireman

If the last match was unconventional, this one is downright rebellious. A sanitation (garbage) man versus a fireman? A fireman versus a policeman would make since. Or a garbage man versus a bag of disgusting shit. But this, well this is a strange match up indeed.

But I don't pick the contenders, I just contend them...or, yeah, whatever. That makes sense, right?

And this set of contenders was picked by Mame who wrote, "How about Firemen vs. Sanitation Men? I know a lot of girls (and some guys) love the men on the red trucks, but I like guys in green because they keep my city clean! I think it's time for a show down." Mame, I can't help you get a potentially smelly date with a "guy in green." But I can tell you Who's More Awesome, in a duel that's strangely appropriate for Valentine's Day, considering your love of the waste collectors.

In your words, because I couldn't have said it better: "It's time for a show down."

Wine Tasting: I really don't know where to award this one. They're both equally unprepared to taste fermented grapes, and it's hard to tell which is worse: showing up to a wine tasting smelling like garbage or showing up smelling like burning condos. This brings me to the only deciding factor: smell. Sanitation men have smelled so many awful things that their olfactory senses must be completely shot, and although smoke can't be great for your nasal passages either, it's probably not as numbing as pounds upon pounds of refuse. You need a good nose to taste wine, so the firemen take their first point. Barely.

Pie Eating: But a degraded sense of smell isn't always bad, especially when it comes from inhaling horrendous, rotting odors all day. You see, half of winning an eating context is being able to effectively suppress the gag reflex. And who could possibly be better at doing that than sanitation men. Point one for waste management.

Racing: This one's too easy. Sanitation men sit in a truck most of the day, and firemen have to run swiftly up stairs and around buildings, and when they run, it's serious shit. Basically, they're fast, or people die. If garbage men aren't fast, the street just smells a little worse. And so, point two for los bomberos.

Archery: Have you ever seen a sanitation man sling a garbage bag into the back of his truck? It's a thing of beauty, like watching a bird dive hundreds of feet and then swoop back up instantly. Or a gymnast gracefully twist around bars. Or a painter paint stuff. Artsy stuff. Anyway, the point is that anyone who can so smoothly sling bags full of paper towels, top ramen containers, and used condoms up into the air with a perfect arc and a perfect speed has the precision necessary to be an excellent archer. Two points for the people who clean up after our messes.

Swimsuit: After all those calendars they've posed for, I'd really feel bad not awarding this one to the firefighters. And if anyone needs to wear a little less clothing, it's someone inside of a fire, because fires are fucking hot! Don't they know that? Going in with those heavy jackets and what I'm pretty sure are yellow snowboarding pants. Yeah, yeah, it protects the skin, but they must be sweating like motherfuckers. If I was a fire fighter, I'd wear swim trunks...and not go into buildings that were on fire. Hey, I'd fight it from outside. I'd throw buckets on water on it, and blow on it, and try to grab little bits of it in between two fingers that I just licked to impress people at parties, but I sure as hell wouldn't run into a fire. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, swimsuits: the firefighters win this one. Point three for them.

Fighting: I don't care how many axes and high-powered hoses the firemen bring to this showdown, a truck full of garbage carrying all sorts of smells, all sorts of insects, and all sorts of diseases wins. It's the strong versus the dirty argument, and I go with the dirty, hands down, any day. If one guy won the golden gloves, but the other is throwing his poop around, the man who took his lessons from monkeys at the zoo wins every time, because Mr. Ali De La Hoya Balboa isn't going to get anywhere near a guy throwing his shit. And similarly, a firefighter would keep his distance from tons of waste. The sanitation men have their third point, tying this up.

Chess: And so it ends with the thinking man's (or woman's...or anything in between) sport. Firemen have the time and space to become chess masters. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that firemen sit around all day, but what I am saying is that in between calls, there's not much to do but lounge at the station. And again, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that firemen spend their lounging time playing chess, but what I am saying is that they could. And if they did, they'd be pretty damn good by now. And since there's no room for a cheese board in the front seat of a garbage truck, the fireman take a fourth point and win it. 4-3 firemen.

Sorry Mame but the sanitation men just got hosed down and put out, but I'm sure the guys in green appreciate your support.

Have a match up you'd like to see? Leave it in the comments.

Next week, Wolverine and Batman are scheduled for a dueling.

(flickr photo A Fireman In Front Of Burnt House by Kiwi NZ; http://www.flickr.com/photos/7700821@N06/476498165/)

(flickr photo Garbage Man by rudlavibizon; http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudlavibizon/1287696403/)

Bull Fighter Vs. Hockey Player

Anonymous writes, "I'd like to see Hockey Player vs Bull Fighter. You know, if you're feeling it." Well, Anonymous, first off, you should think about changing your name, because Anonymous is a ridiculous name. Try Jane or John Doe. Or maybe Unknown. But more importantly, I am feeling it, very much so, even though it is a bit of an unconventional match up. Who would ever think that toothless Canadians and well-dressed Spaniards would have at it? But they're about to, and it's going to be so vicious that someone might need to call the Fire Marshall to shut this blog down. But don't really, because I need something to do on the weekends. Plus the Fire Marshall already has it out for me after that time I held a party for 200 people inside a porta potty. Who knew that was beyond the porta potty fire safety limit? Not I.


But enough of that, let's skate right into this one and figure out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: So it starts with a stocky Canadian barrelling toward a lithe Spaniard. The Spaniard steps to the side, whipping out a bright red cape, and the hockey players slams into a wall. But slamming into walls at full speed isn't anything new to him, so he spins around, and in seconds brings the matador to the ground with a swift swipe of his stick. The Spaniard, used to battling for his life against thousand-pound animals with horns, fights back hard, kicking in the air with all his might. As he's being pummelled with fancy shoes, the hockey player remembers that the only reason anyone watches hockey is for the fights, and that he's been doing this his whole life, so he pulls off his gloves, grins a toothless grin, and ends it right then and there with the brutal precision of a goring. And the hockey players take the first point.


Wine Tasting: But don't get too cocky, hockey (yeah, it rhymes. I'm just that good), because Spain is big into wine, and is bordered by France, which is even bigger into wine, and so the bull fighters takes this one easily. I'm sure you don't mind, hockey, since you're more of a beer sport anyway, but the bovine battlers just earned their first point.


Pie Eating: But just as easily as bull fighting took the wine point, hockey takes the pie point. If I have to put my money on a stout drunk or a slender sports diva in a pie eating contest, I go with the drunk any day. Point two for hockey.


Swimsuits: I'm not really all that psyched to think about either of these two in swimsuits, but I don't have to since it's too damn cold to wear a speedo during a hockey game anyway. And what if you slipped and skidded on ice. Holy shit that would hurt. Makes me want to scream into a bottle of Crown Royal just thinking about it. And so the bull fighters get their second point.


Archery: Archery is all about precision, and let's be honest, it doesn't take all that much precision to avoid gigantic livestock. There's a whole hell of a lot more precision in putting a tiny disk into a tiny net guarded by a big man wearing an even bigger outfit. Point three for the NHL.


Chess: Both sports involve a good deal of strategy, and so there's no reason to think that either would be better equipped to handle the planning involved in chess, but here's the thing about chess: you can't punch your opponent. Even if you aren't wearing gloves. Point three for the matadores.


Racing: On the ice, it's hockey. On land, it's bull fighting. Nothing gets you more motivated to run than huge animal with sharp things sticking out of his head. But on the ice, bull fighters would fail miserably, and fall all over the place. On land, a hockey player may not give Usain Bolt reasons to stay awake at night, but he could still move fast enough to hold his own. And so, with four points, the hockey players not only win it, but now have more points than teeth.

Bust open the Molson, because hockey just slid by their formerly-fascist competitors, making PETA proud and red-cape makers sad.

Coming soon, by request, firemen vs. sanitation men.

If you have any other suggestions for face offs, leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo bullfight in Merida by TooFarNorth; http://www.flickr.com/photos/toofarnorth/85137000/)
(flickr photo MNR 2008 Hockey Tournament by loimere; http://www.flickr.com/photos/loimere/2376126968/)

Lawyer Vs. Doctor

They're the two main suburbanite professions. But which is more worthy of bragging about at a Christmas party in a house 20 minutes outside of "the city" filled with all your other middle-aged friends who's children aren't doing anything quite so prestigious? No one really knows, especially not me since I don't have children and if I did they'd be bounty hunters and wolf tamers, not doctors and lawyers. But what I can tell you is Who's More Awesome.

Since the general category of lawyers and doctors is too broad to work with, I've narrowed it down to lawyer and doctor TV tag teams that have absolutely nothing to do with the actual professions, but I make the rules, so deal.


On the side of the doctors is Grey from Grey's Anatomy (Ellen Pompeo) and Doogie Howser from Doogie Howser, M.D. (Neil Patrick Harris). The lawyers are represented by Abbie Carmichael from Law and Order (Angie Harmon) and Denny Crane of Boston Legal (William Shatner).


Chess: This one's too easy. The only participant that matters here is NPH. Doogie is a motherfucking prodigy, he'd school everyone else in chess in a heartbeat (or in an atrial systole, ventricular systole, and a complete cardiac diastole). Point one for doctors.


Achery: I doubt any of these characters have experience with archery, but Grey has long, frighteningly skinny fingers that look like genetically modified string beans, and a big part of archery is how you handle the bow and arrow. So because of an all around lack of archery skill, she takes this one. Point two for the scrub-wearers.


Wine Tasting: Everyone on Boston Legal acts like a child, Doogie Howser is a child, and Ellen Pompeo has the maturity of a high school junior, and so easily the most refined and most able to handle her alcohol is Abbie Carmichael. And the lawyers get their first point.


Racing: Oh come on, this one's way too easy. Sure he's not on Star Trek anymore, but Shatner will always have a little Star Trek in him, and with that in mind, I have two words: warp drive. Tying it up, the JDs now have two.


Fighting: But hang on too your grey slacks, you Johnny Cochran wanna-bes, because the fight is dominated by Mr. Howser. Abbie and Grey are about the same build and have about the same fighting experience, so they'll cancel each other out. Now I know the Shatner has some pretty sweet alien-slapping moves, but Doogie is the one and only NPH. That's right: NPH. He just looks scrappy. Not to mention he's a got a scalpel and he knows all the parts of your body that will bleed most (the whole medical prodigy thing). The MDs are at three points.


Swimsuits: On the female side, Grey closely resembles extraterrestrial life, so Abbie wins. But on the male side William Shatner probably is extraterrestrial life, so Doogie wins. For this one, we'll have to look to the actual profession, and ask ourselves which looks better with a bikini/speedo: a tie or a stethoscope. And the answer is hands down a tie, because there's nothing creepier and less arousing than cold, hard metal and the potential for sickness. Lawyers take three points, and tie the thing up.


Pie Eating: I wish the last contest were more of a challenge, but it's really pretty simple once you look at good old Bill Shatner. That man can pack away a meal, and since Doogie's a kid, and neither Grey nor Abbie look like they've eaten since Reagan was president the lawyers have it. 4-3.


And so for those of you with scalpel in hand, I'm sorry but court is in session and the lawyers just sued the scrubs off you. You can object all you want, but you're better off letting it be and teeing up for a game of golf.


Have any contest recommendations? Leave me a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.


(Flickr photo Honduras by Army.mil; http://www.flickr.com/photos/soldiersmediacenter/1148977208/)
(Flickr photo Cal Western Opening by maveric2003; http://www.flickr.com/photos/maveric2003/110136967/)