Guest Blogging Anyone?

No, I'm not taking a vacation. I have much lazier motives for my guest blogging offer.
There are a lot of competitions lined up, and more come in each week. On top of that, I haven't given much opportunity for reader participation on my blog. So here's the solution: I give you guys a competition to guest write. Reader participation and two competitions down in one week.
Because writing an entire competition is an ass in the pain, each guest blogger will write just one of the contests for a competion. So for the competition there will be seven guest bloggers: one per contest, and I'll take care of the intro and conclusion (unless someone really wants those, in which case I'd be happy to hand them over). So basically, you pick a particular contest, write that up, send it my way, and I'll put them all together into a competition. It's not much work on your part, and it gives seven people the chance to guest blog instead of just one.
The competition I picked from the line up is Men Vs. Women. It's universal, and by putting this one on you, it let's me completely avoid the whole sexism thing.
If you're interested, leave a comment or, better yet, shoot me an email with your top two choices for a contest to write (Fighting, Racing, Swimsuit, Chess, Pie Eating, Archery, and Wine Tasting). It'll be on a first come first serve basis for writing in general and getting the contest you want (since I'm sure I'll just be flooded with emails. Or not). But yeah, before writing anything, let me know what you want to write in case someone else has already done it.
And hey if this works out well, it might be a more regular occurrence.
Cool? Sweet. Let's do this, bitches. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you bitches, that was rude. Let's do this, not-bitches.
Also, I'll still be posting my own regularly scheduled competition on the weekend as always.

P.S. If you find this confusing, please see my comments below. In two of them (to Anna and Mandy) I tried my best to re-explain this as best I could. Sorry about how confusing it ended up being.

The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman

Happy Memorial Day! Sorry to all non-Americans who aren't celebrating Memorial Day. I didn't mean to alienate you, it's just that I'm so pumped about my day off that I had to give Memorial Day a shout out.
Now let's talk about gigantic ape-like monsters.
The Sasquatch (Bigfoot) and the Abominable Snowman (Yeti) are basically the exact same creature. Large, hairy, sort of like a human, sort of like a gorilla, sort of like a bear, sometimes super scary and other times totally chill. The main difference is that Bigfoot is from North America and the Yeti is from Tibet. Since they're so similar, this wont be the easiest fake competition I've written, but I'm up for a challenge, if you are.
So let's get ready to accuse the government of cover ups and analyze some fuzzy footage shot from hundreds of yards away so we can find out Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Bigfoot. There's wine where he's from (the Pacific Northwest). Good wine even. But not much wine is growing at Old Abominable's Everest Frozen Grape Vineyard.

Fighting: The Yeti. Two words: altitude training. This guy (or thing) could go a full twelve rounds easily, while the Sasquatch is huffing and puffing like the out of shape beast-human-monster-myth-legend thing that he is. It's tied up at ones.

Racing: See the altitude training point above to understand why this one goes to the Yeti as well.

Chess: You might think the Yeti would have this one since he looks like such a damn clever son of a bitch, but he lives in the Tibetan mountains. Where, amongst all the snow storms and just general snowy-as-fuckness of that region is he going to set up a chess board? Nowhere. But Bigfoot can just pull a fallen redwood tree over and begin playing. Point to Sasquatch, and it's tied at twos.

Pie Eating: The Sasquatch is American, and pie eating contests, as we've noted in many previous competitions, are pretty goddamn American. He gets the points here, and pulls ahead.

Swimsuit: Oh wow, this is so sexy that I have ten boners right now. That's a lie, because 1.) It's impossible for one man to have ten boners at once. Even for me. The best I can do is get nine of my ten penises to boner phase. 2.) This competition isn't sexy at all. In fact it's unsexy. 3.) I only have one penis like a normal person. I was totally kidding about point 1. 4.) I really hope my parents don't read this. Sorry, the competition. Okay, well since they look almost identical, and since they're both big, ugly motherfuckers, I'm just going to give this one over to the Yeti for having a slightly less disgusting name. I mean, really, do you want to see something called Sasquatch (or even Bigfoot) in a swimsuit? I thought not.

Archery: Sasquatch is sort of a Native American term, and who's (at least in the literature written solely by non-Native Americans) better at archery than them? So, with all the ignorance and stereotyping I could muster, I award this to the Sasquatch, who takes the whole competition at 4-3.

And the Yeti is left out in the cold. Fake monsters of North America rejoice!
Coming Soon: Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Competition suggestions? Leave a comment.
(flickr photo [sasquatch?] by david drexler; http://www.flickr.com/photos/drexler/1368184931/)
(flickr photo yeti by Jeremy Burgin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jburgin/2963228177/)

Her Telephone Booth - Guest Blogging

I did it. I'm a guest blogger. And I didn't write my guest blog as a series of competitions; I actually wrote it like a normal blogger! All ranting and raving and shit like a big kid. I know, I know, I'm proud of myself, too.
Check it out. At the very least so that you can see the rest of Tish's blog My Telephone Booth which is well worth reading if you currently aren't. If it were in one of my competitions, it'd win every one of them except for archery since no one really wants to win that one, anyway.

Old People Vs. Babies

Ah yes, an ancient battle, that goes back centuries upon centuries. Old people and infants. How could it have possibly taken us this long to get to such a prestigious and infamous battle? A battle of the ages. Ahahaha, it's a pun. Now laugh, you son of a bitch!
But seriously internet folks (that is to say, not real people; you're probably all old fat men pretending to be young attractive women), this was requested by two people. Dos if you speak Spanish. Still dos even if you don't. Kristine and SophisticatedBrew both requested this baby (goddamnit, another pun! I'm on a role).
This one doesn't need much of an intro, so lets watch our mobiles or some Murder, She Wrote and make sure our diapers are on (both our baby and old people diapers) and find out Who's More Awesome.

Racing: Have you ever seen those random old people that run like 15 marathons a year and twice as many triathlons, and they end up on the evening news about once a month whenever things get slow? How many miraculous running babies do you know? None, that's how many. But there are miraculous running old people. It happens. Not often, but it happens. Point one for the senior citizens.

Swimsuit: With babies you can at least say something like, "Oh a baby in swim trunks is adorable." With old people all you can really say is, "This is disgusting and horrible. Someone please claw my eyes out of with rusty butter knife now!" Point one for the infants.

Chess: Babies are idiots. No offense meant, they just are. They have minimal mental capacities, so a game like chess really isn't for them. No matter how far gone the old person is, odds are they still have a brain cell or two on a baby. Point two for the old peeps.

Pie Eating: Old people can't eat for shit. Again, no offense meant, it's just the truth. Most old people nibble here or there and barely finish a full meal. But babies, they know how to eat, and they do it eat pie eating contest style. They throw their food around, smash their face and hands in it, get it all over their shirt, and gobble that shit down with the itsy bitsy lame excuses for teeth they have. Point two for the miniature humans.

Archery: Babies have pudgy little balls of dough for fingers, so their chances of being able to accurately fire a bow and arrow are almost as low as their chances of picking one up with those weak, fat arms they have. Sorry babies, but the old people win this one by default. Sure there's arthritis working against them, but they at least have a chance of a manipulating a bow and arrow, while you have absolutely no hope. Point three for those with gray hair.

Fighting: Let's face it, neither of these two are going to excel here. They're not exactly in great fighting condition. But they don't need to be, because the instant that bell goes off, and the old man starts walker-ing it over to the baby, the baby will cry. If you've ever taken a five hour plane flight with a crying baby next to you, you know that you'd do anything to shut it up, even throwing aside all your morals and kicking the shit out of an old dude. And so the baby will win by sheer annoyance, as tons of able bodied adults take to the ring in his defense. Point three for the babies.

Wine Tasting: All tied up, which sounds like the title for a bondage movie, but it's actually a description of this contest's current situation. So who will take it? Easy. Babies have no experience with wine, very little experience with smell or taste, very weak smell and taste, and they have shit tolerance. Old people for the win, 4-3.

Break open the doors to the retirement home, and toss your babies in a crib (or Australia so that a dingo will take them) because old people won this one, old school style. Future face offs: The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor. Contest suggestions? Leave them in the comments.
(flickr photo Old People Sign by rileyroxx; http://www.flickr.com/photos/rileyroxx/151985627/)
(flickr photo Fun with Babies Part 1 by TedsBlog; http://www.flickr.com/photos/tedsblog/43433812/)

The JLA Vs. The Avengers

The foremost DC comics superhero team (The JLA or Justice League of America) against the foremost Marvel comics superhero team (The Avengers). A comic book nerd's wet dream, and let me say, my dreams have been soaked lately thinking about this competition. That came out wrong, didn't it?
The main problem with this face off is the fluidity of the teams' rosters. They constantly change membership, and as much as I'd love to include every single member ever a part of each team, that would leave me with somewhere around a billion JLA heros and 25 billion Avengers. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get my point. So I've narrowed it down to the most consistent and essential members.
The JLA is Superman, Batman, Aquaman, The Flash, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter.
The Avengers are Captain America, Thor, Wasp, Giant-Man (Henry Pym), Iron Man, and Hawkeye.
And I know The Avengers have one less person on their team, but I think having Thor, who's a god and all sort of makes up for it. I mean Superman and Martian Manhunter are pretty fucking powerful, but they're not god status.
So put on the bat signal, find a telephone booth to change in, power up your suit, and grab the Mjolnir, because we're about to find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: I started with an easy one. Hawkeye all the way. That's what he does. You know that Rick Ross song Hustlin'? Well replace "hustlin'" with "archery(in')" and the song could have been written by Hawkeye. And I know sometimes the Green Arrow is in the JLA, and maybe I should have included him here, but I didn't so deal with it. Point one for The Avengers.

Racing: The Flash. It's only fair. I know, I know, it's highly possible that Superman, Martain Manhunter, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and on the other side of things Thor and Iron Man are actually faster, but speed is all The Flash has. Let's not strip him of his dignity just for the sake of fake competition accuracy. Have a fucking heart people. The point goes to The JLA.

Pie Eating: Henry Pym in his Giant-Man form has this one easily. When you're sixty-feet tall, you can eat a lot of pies. Point two for The Avengers.

Swimsuit: But not so fast Marvel, because Wonder Woman is a super hot girl wearing what is essentially a swimsuit. Yes, Wasp is pretty damn hot, too, but she's not wearing a swimsuit, and Wonder Woman is a much better superhero: speed, strength, invulnerability, flight, a boomeranging tiara, communication with animals, and a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Awesome! Compare that to Wasp who can shrink really small, fly (with wings, not magically like Wonder Woman), shoot littler stinger blasts, and communicate with insects (not badass and occasionally cute and cuddly animals; ugly, gross, tiny insects). Plus, there's Aquaman who's basically wearing a permanent swimsuit since he's always in the water and totally digging it. Point two for the JLA.

Wine Tasting: As far as familiarity with the whole wine tasting process goes, The JLA has Bruce Wayne (Batman) and The Avengers have Tony Stark (Iron Man). Both of these guys are snazzy rich motherfuckers who probably go wine tasting more often than they take a piss. But wine tasting under my rules is also about tolerance since there's none of that wasteful spitting the wine out like a spoiled brat who doesn't like their dinner bullshit. And that's where Captain America, who is impervious to the affects of alcohol and thus has a limitless tolerance, comes in. Point three for The Avengers.

Fighting: With Thor on one side and Superman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Wonder Woman on the other, this fight could go on until the end of time. And I don't mean the 2pac end of time I mean the apocalypse end of time. But fortunately we don't need a full on battle, because the JLA gets an honorary victory for having Batman on their team, solely because of this super badass Chinese prison fight scene from Batman Begins. Point three for The JLA.

Chess: The only JLA member known for intelligence is Batman. That's not to say the rest are idiots, just that none of them have reputations as mental giants. But the Avengers have two scientific geniuses (Giant-Man and Iron Man) and one militaristic genius (Captain America). And so The Avengers take the competition, 4-3.

Even with their roster cut, The Avengers still came out on top. Sorry, DC, please don't take it personally. You guys were and always will be my first comic book love. But you know, a competition's a competition, and you lost.
Awesome match ups of the future: Babies Vs. Old People, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
If you have suggestions, leave them in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo jla_avengers by nijin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/geneandshari/1350974721/)

The US Vs. Europe

Anna Russel over at Incoherent Ramblings and Room 102 suggested this one.

Now, like any good American, I don't know anything about about Europe except that it's part of England. Wait, sorry. That's wrong. Europe is part of London, which owns England. No, that's not right either. Hold on, let me look this up.
So wikipedia says that Europe isn't a city, it's actually a continent made of shitloads (paraphrasing here) of countries. I'm not buying it. I want to see a source wikipedia. Citation needed! Next thing you'll be telling me that we haven't enslaved Canadians, and refused to annex them as a state until they stop liking hockey. What? We haven't! I call bullshit wikipedia, I call bullshit.

Anyway, so where was I. Oh yeah, Europe vs. the USA. A continent (allegedly) vs. a country. The place with London and Paris and other cities Americans like to visit and the place entirely made of New Yorkers, Hollywood stars, and rednecks. Wait, wait, that's not right. Am I channeling non-US stereotypes about the US?

Clearly this competition will go smoothly, because we Americans know our history and geography so well. Finest education system in the entire continent of the USA!

So put on your baseball caps or your football (the one actually played with feet) jerseys, it's time to get international and find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: Archery is old school. Europe is old school. Plus, nothing says archery like Robin Hood, and where's Robin Hood from? England, and that's in Europe (thanks, wikipedia!). Point one for Europa.

Pie Eating: Pies are American. Overeating is American. Turning things that really should be leisurely and fun into intense competitions is American. Point one for the USA.

Chess: The current form of chess came from Europe. Plus most of the chess grandmasters have come from Europe. Point two for Europe.

Racing: One word: autobahn. No one knows what it means, because it's in the dead language of German...wait, wikipedia says that people still speak German. Who knew? Anyways, it's the name for a highway with no speed limits, and any place that flips the bird at speed limits is awesome. Point three for Europe.

Swimsuit: If there's a place that's all about gratuitous, guilt-ridden, barely-covered sexuality, it's the US. In Europe naked people walk around like it's no big deal and no one gives a crap. "Oh look, another naked person. Who cares, this is Europe and we see that shit all time." Sure, that's solely based on two or three European commercials I saw one time and that whole nude beach thing, but my point is that here in America, we like our bodies minimally covered in a way that only a swimsuit can accomplish. Modern uncontrollable lust battles a foundation of puritanical prudishness. Point two for the United States.

Fighting: In the past, definitely Europe. If there's one thing I know about Europe it's that they were all about militaristically fucking shit up back in the day. But now, The US has taken their place at the forefront of bombings, shootings, territorial mass murder, and general imperialistic sentiments. Point three for the US.

Wine Tasting: Sure the US has California and all the Sonoma and Napa wine that comes with it, but Europe has Italy, France, Spain, and Germany. And Europe wins, 4-3.

Oh well, at least we still own Canada.

Coming soon: The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.

Have a battle you want duelled out? Leave it in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo EU Boulevard by meiburgin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/meiburgin/2650856117/)
(flickr photo NYSE by luisvilla; http://www.flickr.com/photos/maguisso/221129936/)

The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Incredible Hulk

Two giant green guys tussling for the top. It sounds like the title to the next big youtube video or martian gay porn. Mostly the later. But it's neither. It's a showdown between a tall spokesman for the Green Giant food company and a Jekyll and Hyde like Marvel superhero.
I just called Kermit and Yoda, because we're about to get green, bitches, and find out Who's More Awesome.

Chess: We don't know much about Jolly's intelligence, but since he's basically just a really tall green guy in a tunic, we can assume he has no greater than average human intelligence. The Hulk is more complicated. As the Hulk, his intelligence can range anywhere from a bumbling, neanderthal to a clever and conniving creature. But the first is more common. That said, Bruce Banner (Hulk's human form) is a genius. Literally, a genius. So point one goes to Hulk, so long as he can keep his anger in check.

Wine Tasting: All that time around food had to rub off on Jolly's sense of smell and taste. Plus, you can't rip your clothes and throw cars around in a wine tasting, Hulk. Point one for the Green Giant.

Fighting: The Hulk spends all his time fighting people. That's what he does, day in and day out. He might as well fill out a time sheet for it and start getting paid. Jolly on the other just tromps around green fields looking like he's headed to an environmentally themed toga party. He'd serve up a can of peas and the Hulk would counter with a can of whoop ass. Point two for Mr. Incredible. Trust me, Jolly, you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Swimsuit: The Jolly Green Giant all the way. He's already wearing one. Ripped purple pants do not count, Hulk. Yeah, She Hulk may be wearing a swimsuit too, but she's frighteningly ripped, and that really detracts from the swimsuit. Plus this isn't about her, it's about you. Point goes to the vegetable lover.

Archery: I seem to hit on this point in almost every post, but at the risk of beating a dead archer, hand dexterity is key. The Hulk's massive mitts don't exactly look nimble. The Green Giant pulls ahead with his third point.

Pie Eating: Are you kidding me? Clearly, the Hulk. Not only is he constantly active, burning tons (literally, tons) of calories that need to be replenished, but he also just looks like the kind of guy who has a serious appetite. The Jolly Green Giant on the other hand just sort of stands around and for a guy representing a food company, he doesn't look all that hungry. Point three for The Hulk and it's tied up.

Racing: Sure, Jolly's got more of a runner's look going on. Tall, lean, clothing that's a bit too revealing. But one of the Hulk's powers is speed, despite his appearance. With legs that strong, he can run, bound, and leap incredible distances incredibly fast. 4-3 the Hulk.

A victory for Stan Lee, nerds, and anyone who can't control their anger, and a defeat for everyone who enjoys frozen or canned vegetables.
Coming soon to a blog near you: Europe Vs. The US, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
Leave any competition suggestions in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo World's Largest Jolly Green Giant by Mykl Roventine; http://www.flickr.com/photos/myklroventine/493287872/)
(flickr photo Hulk Up Close And Personal: 09/10/06 by kiwanja; http://www.flickr.com/photos/kiwanja/268740653/)