Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex

I know what you're thinking: "Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex? Is there a difference? You can't have something fight against itself, Walter." Well, sassy reader, in case you didn't hear, scientists and the University of Chemicals and Scientifical Stuff, Department of Enrique, have recently proven that Enrique is in fact separate from sex. It's not hard to see why for so many years we all thought the two were identical. Enrique himself is responsible for more sex than Wilt Chamberlin and Jack Nicholson combined. At birth, his nurse reportedly fainted due to a deep passion in her corazon upon seeing baby Enrique. Enrique gave her his number, causing her to faint again. When she awoke he whispered delicately in her ear, "I'm too young to be your hero, baby, but call me in a four years or so." She fainted again. On top of this, he is indirectly responsible for more sex than even Barry White and Barry Manilow (the Barry's of Seduction, as they're known collectively). Yet it seems that due to a few differences at a chromosomal level, Enrique is not in fact sex, just incredibly similar. And so, we must know decide, Who is More Aweome (chromosomally speaking, that is).

Fighting: Violent sex is rarely a good thing. But occasionally, when between two consenting adults who are into that sort of weird shit, it's okay (but still really weird; I mean, like, wtf right?) But violent Enrique is more than okay, it's awesome. In fact, violent Enrique leads to Jennifer Love Hewitt sexytime, and that's never wrong. Point one to Mr. Iglesias.
Archery: Sex has no hands (there are way too many jokes lying dormant within this phrase for me to even begin to write them), so Enrique wins this too. 2-0 Enrique.
Swimsuit: Sex in a swimsuit? Swimsuits cover all the key components of sex. Enrique takes this one too; 3-0.
Chess: During sex, no one has anywhere near the concentration and mental capabilities required for chess, and if you do, you're doing the whole sex thing wrong. Very wrong. Enrique on the other hand is always thinking, constantly pondering, and a master of chess. 4-0 Enrique.
Racing: I have no idea if Enrique can run all that quickly (although the odds are very high he can outrun a cheetah), I do know that it's a very infrequent thing for fast sex to be good sex. Enrique takes it, for a 5-0 lead.
Pie Eating: Like with chess, if you're eating pies when you're having sex, you're doing it wrong. I mean, I guess some people have weird food fetishes, but even still, Enrique could probably eat more pies if he needed to do so to win. Enrique always wins. 6-0.
Wine Tasting: Speaking of winning, Enrique dominates this one. First, he's from Spain and a ton of super awesome wine comes from Spain. Second, Enrique is a suave motherfucker, and suave motherfuckers never go anywhere without a few $100 bottles of wine one them. 7-0, Enrique.

Usually these competitions are pretty close, but what can I say, sex was just severely outmatched on this one. I mean, really, sex have you seen this video? That motorcycle scene. Come on, you had no chance, admit it.
Hey, readers, I'm back from the deep, dark, and dank depths of non-blogging, so let me know what you want to see face off. Cool beans.
Coming Soon: Responding to all competition rebuttals, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee Vs. Jet Li, Poets Vs. Liars, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson Vs. Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor, Humans Vs. Animals.
Photos from flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kyz/2893897527/ and http://www.flickr.com/photos/35262893@N05/3273755686/

The US Vs. Europe

Anna Russel over at Incoherent Ramblings and Room 102 suggested this one.

Now, like any good American, I don't know anything about about Europe except that it's part of England. Wait, sorry. That's wrong. Europe is part of London, which owns England. No, that's not right either. Hold on, let me look this up.
So wikipedia says that Europe isn't a city, it's actually a continent made of shitloads (paraphrasing here) of countries. I'm not buying it. I want to see a source wikipedia. Citation needed! Next thing you'll be telling me that we haven't enslaved Canadians, and refused to annex them as a state until they stop liking hockey. What? We haven't! I call bullshit wikipedia, I call bullshit.

Anyway, so where was I. Oh yeah, Europe vs. the USA. A continent (allegedly) vs. a country. The place with London and Paris and other cities Americans like to visit and the place entirely made of New Yorkers, Hollywood stars, and rednecks. Wait, wait, that's not right. Am I channeling non-US stereotypes about the US?

Clearly this competition will go smoothly, because we Americans know our history and geography so well. Finest education system in the entire continent of the USA!

So put on your baseball caps or your football (the one actually played with feet) jerseys, it's time to get international and find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: Archery is old school. Europe is old school. Plus, nothing says archery like Robin Hood, and where's Robin Hood from? England, and that's in Europe (thanks, wikipedia!). Point one for Europa.

Pie Eating: Pies are American. Overeating is American. Turning things that really should be leisurely and fun into intense competitions is American. Point one for the USA.

Chess: The current form of chess came from Europe. Plus most of the chess grandmasters have come from Europe. Point two for Europe.

Racing: One word: autobahn. No one knows what it means, because it's in the dead language of German...wait, wikipedia says that people still speak German. Who knew? Anyways, it's the name for a highway with no speed limits, and any place that flips the bird at speed limits is awesome. Point three for Europe.

Swimsuit: If there's a place that's all about gratuitous, guilt-ridden, barely-covered sexuality, it's the US. In Europe naked people walk around like it's no big deal and no one gives a crap. "Oh look, another naked person. Who cares, this is Europe and we see that shit all time." Sure, that's solely based on two or three European commercials I saw one time and that whole nude beach thing, but my point is that here in America, we like our bodies minimally covered in a way that only a swimsuit can accomplish. Modern uncontrollable lust battles a foundation of puritanical prudishness. Point two for the United States.

Fighting: In the past, definitely Europe. If there's one thing I know about Europe it's that they were all about militaristically fucking shit up back in the day. But now, The US has taken their place at the forefront of bombings, shootings, territorial mass murder, and general imperialistic sentiments. Point three for the US.

Wine Tasting: Sure the US has California and all the Sonoma and Napa wine that comes with it, but Europe has Italy, France, Spain, and Germany. And Europe wins, 4-3.

Oh well, at least we still own Canada.

Coming soon: The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.

Have a battle you want duelled out? Leave it in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo EU Boulevard by meiburgin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/meiburgin/2650856117/)
(flickr photo NYSE by luisvilla; http://www.flickr.com/photos/maguisso/221129936/)