The US Vs. Europe

Anna Russel over at Incoherent Ramblings and Room 102 suggested this one.

Now, like any good American, I don't know anything about about Europe except that it's part of England. Wait, sorry. That's wrong. Europe is part of London, which owns England. No, that's not right either. Hold on, let me look this up.
So wikipedia says that Europe isn't a city, it's actually a continent made of shitloads (paraphrasing here) of countries. I'm not buying it. I want to see a source wikipedia. Citation needed! Next thing you'll be telling me that we haven't enslaved Canadians, and refused to annex them as a state until they stop liking hockey. What? We haven't! I call bullshit wikipedia, I call bullshit.

Anyway, so where was I. Oh yeah, Europe vs. the USA. A continent (allegedly) vs. a country. The place with London and Paris and other cities Americans like to visit and the place entirely made of New Yorkers, Hollywood stars, and rednecks. Wait, wait, that's not right. Am I channeling non-US stereotypes about the US?

Clearly this competition will go smoothly, because we Americans know our history and geography so well. Finest education system in the entire continent of the USA!

So put on your baseball caps or your football (the one actually played with feet) jerseys, it's time to get international and find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: Archery is old school. Europe is old school. Plus, nothing says archery like Robin Hood, and where's Robin Hood from? England, and that's in Europe (thanks, wikipedia!). Point one for Europa.

Pie Eating: Pies are American. Overeating is American. Turning things that really should be leisurely and fun into intense competitions is American. Point one for the USA.

Chess: The current form of chess came from Europe. Plus most of the chess grandmasters have come from Europe. Point two for Europe.

Racing: One word: autobahn. No one knows what it means, because it's in the dead language of German...wait, wikipedia says that people still speak German. Who knew? Anyways, it's the name for a highway with no speed limits, and any place that flips the bird at speed limits is awesome. Point three for Europe.

Swimsuit: If there's a place that's all about gratuitous, guilt-ridden, barely-covered sexuality, it's the US. In Europe naked people walk around like it's no big deal and no one gives a crap. "Oh look, another naked person. Who cares, this is Europe and we see that shit all time." Sure, that's solely based on two or three European commercials I saw one time and that whole nude beach thing, but my point is that here in America, we like our bodies minimally covered in a way that only a swimsuit can accomplish. Modern uncontrollable lust battles a foundation of puritanical prudishness. Point two for the United States.

Fighting: In the past, definitely Europe. If there's one thing I know about Europe it's that they were all about militaristically fucking shit up back in the day. But now, The US has taken their place at the forefront of bombings, shootings, territorial mass murder, and general imperialistic sentiments. Point three for the US.

Wine Tasting: Sure the US has California and all the Sonoma and Napa wine that comes with it, but Europe has Italy, France, Spain, and Germany. And Europe wins, 4-3.

Oh well, at least we still own Canada.

Coming soon: The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.

Have a battle you want duelled out? Leave it in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo EU Boulevard by meiburgin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/meiburgin/2650856117/)
(flickr photo NYSE by luisvilla; http://www.flickr.com/photos/maguisso/221129936/)

Bull Fighter Vs. Hockey Player

Anonymous writes, "I'd like to see Hockey Player vs Bull Fighter. You know, if you're feeling it." Well, Anonymous, first off, you should think about changing your name, because Anonymous is a ridiculous name. Try Jane or John Doe. Or maybe Unknown. But more importantly, I am feeling it, very much so, even though it is a bit of an unconventional match up. Who would ever think that toothless Canadians and well-dressed Spaniards would have at it? But they're about to, and it's going to be so vicious that someone might need to call the Fire Marshall to shut this blog down. But don't really, because I need something to do on the weekends. Plus the Fire Marshall already has it out for me after that time I held a party for 200 people inside a porta potty. Who knew that was beyond the porta potty fire safety limit? Not I.


But enough of that, let's skate right into this one and figure out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: So it starts with a stocky Canadian barrelling toward a lithe Spaniard. The Spaniard steps to the side, whipping out a bright red cape, and the hockey players slams into a wall. But slamming into walls at full speed isn't anything new to him, so he spins around, and in seconds brings the matador to the ground with a swift swipe of his stick. The Spaniard, used to battling for his life against thousand-pound animals with horns, fights back hard, kicking in the air with all his might. As he's being pummelled with fancy shoes, the hockey player remembers that the only reason anyone watches hockey is for the fights, and that he's been doing this his whole life, so he pulls off his gloves, grins a toothless grin, and ends it right then and there with the brutal precision of a goring. And the hockey players take the first point.


Wine Tasting: But don't get too cocky, hockey (yeah, it rhymes. I'm just that good), because Spain is big into wine, and is bordered by France, which is even bigger into wine, and so the bull fighters takes this one easily. I'm sure you don't mind, hockey, since you're more of a beer sport anyway, but the bovine battlers just earned their first point.


Pie Eating: But just as easily as bull fighting took the wine point, hockey takes the pie point. If I have to put my money on a stout drunk or a slender sports diva in a pie eating contest, I go with the drunk any day. Point two for hockey.


Swimsuits: I'm not really all that psyched to think about either of these two in swimsuits, but I don't have to since it's too damn cold to wear a speedo during a hockey game anyway. And what if you slipped and skidded on ice. Holy shit that would hurt. Makes me want to scream into a bottle of Crown Royal just thinking about it. And so the bull fighters get their second point.


Archery: Archery is all about precision, and let's be honest, it doesn't take all that much precision to avoid gigantic livestock. There's a whole hell of a lot more precision in putting a tiny disk into a tiny net guarded by a big man wearing an even bigger outfit. Point three for the NHL.


Chess: Both sports involve a good deal of strategy, and so there's no reason to think that either would be better equipped to handle the planning involved in chess, but here's the thing about chess: you can't punch your opponent. Even if you aren't wearing gloves. Point three for the matadores.


Racing: On the ice, it's hockey. On land, it's bull fighting. Nothing gets you more motivated to run than huge animal with sharp things sticking out of his head. But on the ice, bull fighters would fail miserably, and fall all over the place. On land, a hockey player may not give Usain Bolt reasons to stay awake at night, but he could still move fast enough to hold his own. And so, with four points, the hockey players not only win it, but now have more points than teeth.

Bust open the Molson, because hockey just slid by their formerly-fascist competitors, making PETA proud and red-cape makers sad.

Coming soon, by request, firemen vs. sanitation men.

If you have any other suggestions for face offs, leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo bullfight in Merida by TooFarNorth; http://www.flickr.com/photos/toofarnorth/85137000/)
(flickr photo MNR 2008 Hockey Tournament by loimere; http://www.flickr.com/photos/loimere/2376126968/)