The US Vs. Europe

Anna Russel over at Incoherent Ramblings and Room 102 suggested this one.

Now, like any good American, I don't know anything about about Europe except that it's part of England. Wait, sorry. That's wrong. Europe is part of London, which owns England. No, that's not right either. Hold on, let me look this up.
So wikipedia says that Europe isn't a city, it's actually a continent made of shitloads (paraphrasing here) of countries. I'm not buying it. I want to see a source wikipedia. Citation needed! Next thing you'll be telling me that we haven't enslaved Canadians, and refused to annex them as a state until they stop liking hockey. What? We haven't! I call bullshit wikipedia, I call bullshit.

Anyway, so where was I. Oh yeah, Europe vs. the USA. A continent (allegedly) vs. a country. The place with London and Paris and other cities Americans like to visit and the place entirely made of New Yorkers, Hollywood stars, and rednecks. Wait, wait, that's not right. Am I channeling non-US stereotypes about the US?

Clearly this competition will go smoothly, because we Americans know our history and geography so well. Finest education system in the entire continent of the USA!

So put on your baseball caps or your football (the one actually played with feet) jerseys, it's time to get international and find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: Archery is old school. Europe is old school. Plus, nothing says archery like Robin Hood, and where's Robin Hood from? England, and that's in Europe (thanks, wikipedia!). Point one for Europa.

Pie Eating: Pies are American. Overeating is American. Turning things that really should be leisurely and fun into intense competitions is American. Point one for the USA.

Chess: The current form of chess came from Europe. Plus most of the chess grandmasters have come from Europe. Point two for Europe.

Racing: One word: autobahn. No one knows what it means, because it's in the dead language of German...wait, wikipedia says that people still speak German. Who knew? Anyways, it's the name for a highway with no speed limits, and any place that flips the bird at speed limits is awesome. Point three for Europe.

Swimsuit: If there's a place that's all about gratuitous, guilt-ridden, barely-covered sexuality, it's the US. In Europe naked people walk around like it's no big deal and no one gives a crap. "Oh look, another naked person. Who cares, this is Europe and we see that shit all time." Sure, that's solely based on two or three European commercials I saw one time and that whole nude beach thing, but my point is that here in America, we like our bodies minimally covered in a way that only a swimsuit can accomplish. Modern uncontrollable lust battles a foundation of puritanical prudishness. Point two for the United States.

Fighting: In the past, definitely Europe. If there's one thing I know about Europe it's that they were all about militaristically fucking shit up back in the day. But now, The US has taken their place at the forefront of bombings, shootings, territorial mass murder, and general imperialistic sentiments. Point three for the US.

Wine Tasting: Sure the US has California and all the Sonoma and Napa wine that comes with it, but Europe has Italy, France, Spain, and Germany. And Europe wins, 4-3.

Oh well, at least we still own Canada.

Coming soon: The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.

Have a battle you want duelled out? Leave it in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo EU Boulevard by meiburgin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/meiburgin/2650856117/)
(flickr photo NYSE by luisvilla; http://www.flickr.com/photos/maguisso/221129936/)

Politicians Vs. Entertainers

Suggested by human being, this one pits phony sleazeball against phony sleazeball. Politicians run for office and entertainers run for mass-marketed DVDs and CDs, but they're both paid to lie in front of a camera.

Put on your fake smiles, kiss a few babies, and flip off a few paparazzi, because we're going to find out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: Politicians. Hands down. Why? Because there's no one more likely to fight dirty than a politician. An entertainer would spend the whole fight making sure their make up didn't get messed up, while the politician pulled out rabbit punches, elbows, knees to the junk, and the knives he snuck past the ref. Point one for the people who control our lives.

Racing: Again, an easy one. There's no fitness requirement for politiking, but to act in major motion pictures, you have to be in such good shape that it's actually unhealthy, and one way to get there is to run more than Forest Gump. Entertainers tie it up.

Chess: Not so fast Brangelina and your million and a half babies, because as often as you think of smoothies and face lifts, politicians think of clever and conniving strategies. The men and women in suits take this one. Point 2 for the politicians.

Swimsuit: Okay, go back and read the racing section. So as much as we all want to see Nancy Pelosi gone wild, this one goes to the entertainers, who get their second point.

Pie Eating: There's a certain aggression about most politicians that would carry over perfectly into the kind of aggressive eating you see in a pie eating competition. Plus, these guys and gals go to events full of food all the time, so they must be pretty good at eating a lot. Thus they take their third point.

Archery: There are tons of movies containing bad-ass archery: 300, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, The Lord of the Rings, and of course the Disney cartoon version of Robin Hood, to name a few. But how often do politicians take the podium, and fire a dozen burning arrows into the roof of their opponent's cottage? Not often enough. And you know, maybe if they did, we wouldn't have such a shitty economy. Everyone knows rebuilding burned-down cottages creates jobs. Anyway, points go to the entertainers who tie it up at 3s.

Wine Tasting: At those events where the politicians get their eating practice, they also work on their drinking skills. And hey, if you were a politician, you'd drink, too. With a depressing job as their motivation, the politicians take their fourth point and win it.

Although the votes may have been rigged and there are a few hanging chads, the politicians slapped those pretty-boy entertainers around some and came out on top and in charge.
Upcoming competitions: Cats Vs. Dogs, Balrog, Vs. Shai-Hulud, Republicans Vs. Democrats (it had to happen sooner of later), Cake Vs. Pie, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon.
If you have a suggestion, leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo The White House by cliff1066; http://www.flickr.com/photos/nostri-imago/2874036924/)
(flickr photo holllywood sign from my roof by xero79; http://www.flickr.com/photos/xero79/378837837/)