The US Vs. Europe

Anna Russel over at Incoherent Ramblings and Room 102 suggested this one.

Now, like any good American, I don't know anything about about Europe except that it's part of England. Wait, sorry. That's wrong. Europe is part of London, which owns England. No, that's not right either. Hold on, let me look this up.
So wikipedia says that Europe isn't a city, it's actually a continent made of shitloads (paraphrasing here) of countries. I'm not buying it. I want to see a source wikipedia. Citation needed! Next thing you'll be telling me that we haven't enslaved Canadians, and refused to annex them as a state until they stop liking hockey. What? We haven't! I call bullshit wikipedia, I call bullshit.

Anyway, so where was I. Oh yeah, Europe vs. the USA. A continent (allegedly) vs. a country. The place with London and Paris and other cities Americans like to visit and the place entirely made of New Yorkers, Hollywood stars, and rednecks. Wait, wait, that's not right. Am I channeling non-US stereotypes about the US?

Clearly this competition will go smoothly, because we Americans know our history and geography so well. Finest education system in the entire continent of the USA!

So put on your baseball caps or your football (the one actually played with feet) jerseys, it's time to get international and find out Who's More Awesome.

Archery: Archery is old school. Europe is old school. Plus, nothing says archery like Robin Hood, and where's Robin Hood from? England, and that's in Europe (thanks, wikipedia!). Point one for Europa.

Pie Eating: Pies are American. Overeating is American. Turning things that really should be leisurely and fun into intense competitions is American. Point one for the USA.

Chess: The current form of chess came from Europe. Plus most of the chess grandmasters have come from Europe. Point two for Europe.

Racing: One word: autobahn. No one knows what it means, because it's in the dead language of German...wait, wikipedia says that people still speak German. Who knew? Anyways, it's the name for a highway with no speed limits, and any place that flips the bird at speed limits is awesome. Point three for Europe.

Swimsuit: If there's a place that's all about gratuitous, guilt-ridden, barely-covered sexuality, it's the US. In Europe naked people walk around like it's no big deal and no one gives a crap. "Oh look, another naked person. Who cares, this is Europe and we see that shit all time." Sure, that's solely based on two or three European commercials I saw one time and that whole nude beach thing, but my point is that here in America, we like our bodies minimally covered in a way that only a swimsuit can accomplish. Modern uncontrollable lust battles a foundation of puritanical prudishness. Point two for the United States.

Fighting: In the past, definitely Europe. If there's one thing I know about Europe it's that they were all about militaristically fucking shit up back in the day. But now, The US has taken their place at the forefront of bombings, shootings, territorial mass murder, and general imperialistic sentiments. Point three for the US.

Wine Tasting: Sure the US has California and all the Sonoma and Napa wine that comes with it, but Europe has Italy, France, Spain, and Germany. And Europe wins, 4-3.

Oh well, at least we still own Canada.

Coming soon: The JLA Vs. The Avengers, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.

Have a battle you want duelled out? Leave it in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo EU Boulevard by meiburgin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/meiburgin/2650856117/)
(flickr photo NYSE by luisvilla; http://www.flickr.com/photos/maguisso/221129936/)

Cats Vs. Dogs

There are very few competitions that run as deep as the that of history's two most popular pets. From the battle of Oh Fuck Yes I Got this Cat All the Way Up a Tree to the invasion at I'm Going to Smack That Dog in the Face with My Claw Mountain, canine and feline, in reality and in the minds of the humans they live with, have warred.
So, with a fistful of tennis balls and pockets stuffed with yarn, we'll move to the front lines to decide Who's More Awesome.

Racing: If you take their larger relatives into account, the cat has it, because nothing says fast like a cheetah. But we're not going to take wild relatives into account, because this is about the house pets. And well, dogs have the slender, elongated genes of greyhounds and whippets on their side, and so they take their first point.

Chess: But when it comes to being clever and conniving, the sort of traits that suit one well in chess, cats reign supreme. Plus, couldn't you just see a cat playing chess? Maybe in a smoking jacket, with a little cat pipe filled with catnip? I Can Has Cheezburger, you have a mission, cats and chess, go! Point one for los gatos.

Archery: I'm pretty sure there's absolutely nothing a dog can do with his paws other than walk, run, and give high fives. Cats on the other hand (or paw) can do all sorts of shit. I wouldn't be surprised if someday I found one opening a safe and knitting a sweater at the same time. It's amazing the things they can do and all without any thumbs. They would have much better luck with the mechanics of archery, giving them their second point.


Fighting: Sure this is all hypothetical, but I wouldn't put it past PETA to get hypothetically mad about a hypothetical dog and cat fight (they did where KKK outfits, after all), so we'll keep this one out of any specifics. First shot, I thought cats. They have claws, and they love using them. They're more agile. And they have a bossy attitude. Sure, some cats are frightened of anything that moves, but a tough cat doesn't take shit from anyone or anything, including a dog. Yet there are two road blocks in their way to success. 1.) Size. Although some dogs are smaller than cats, on average, dogs are bigger, and often they're much bigger. Like, big enough that if things got really heavy and an all out fight occurred, they could probably fit a cat in their mouth. Seriously, have you seen a Newfoundland lately? Fucking gigantic. 2.) Packs. Cats work alone. But dogs love large groups. There's strength in numbers, and dogs have numbers. Cats don't. Point two for los perros.


Pie Eating: I go back to the size point made above. Plus cats can be really picky about what they eat, and might turn down a pie if it weren't made by a French chef who went to a prestigious culinary school and has been working in the world's finest restaurant for thirty-five years. Dogs, on the other hand, have been known to eat poop. Point three for the wolf's pampered cousin.


Wine Tasting: Remember how I just talked about the refinement of cats? It applies here, too. I'm pretty sure they hold wine tastings when we're not home anyway. They probably pronounces all the French and Italian words correctly, and swish the wine around for exactly the right amount of time, and say things like astringent and tannin. Damn sophisticated snobs. They tie it at three points a piece.


Swimsuit: Now, I know people like to dress up their pets, but I better not find out about anyone putting bikinis or swim trunks on their dogs or cats, or I'm going to go Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of the first Predator movie on you all. There are some lines you don't cross, and that's one of them. But as I said with Penguin Vs. Monkey, this isn't about swimwear, it's about the sex appeal of a dog to a dog or a cat to a cat. Both these animals seem to get down a lot (hence why spaying and neutering is so heavily advocated). So that doesn't get us anywhere. But, sorry cats, because dogs have a sex position named after them. It's not kittystyle, and so, unfortunately for the felines, dogs are victorious, 4-3. Cats, maybe you should change your name to "reverse cowgirls."


You can spit up hairballs and kick up liter all you want, kittens, but the dogs have this one, so let's give them a treat. Ah ah ah, not until you sit. Good. Stay. Okay, great, you win! And someone keep the cats away from the catnip. I don't want them developing a catnip addiction because they're depressed by their defeat.


And now for a shameless plug for my other blog. I wouldn't do it, except this is probably the only time that the subjects of my two blogs with cross so well. If you liked this post, check out The Things Pets Do, and try it on for size. Wear it around the store a little. It totally wont make you look fat, I promise.
Coming soon to a blog near you: Balrog, Vs. Shai-Hulud, Republicans Vs. Democrats, Cake Vs. Pie, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, and Hollywood Vs. Bollywood.
Have two awesome things that need to be contended? Leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo Tashan by prakhar; http://www.flickr.com/photos/prakhar/2600521281/)
(flickr photo Three Tributes: Updike the Husky by Sapphireblue; http://www.flickr.com/photos/sapphir3blu3/3235526812/)