Cats Vs. Dogs

There are very few competitions that run as deep as the that of history's two most popular pets. From the battle of Oh Fuck Yes I Got this Cat All the Way Up a Tree to the invasion at I'm Going to Smack That Dog in the Face with My Claw Mountain, canine and feline, in reality and in the minds of the humans they live with, have warred.
So, with a fistful of tennis balls and pockets stuffed with yarn, we'll move to the front lines to decide Who's More Awesome.

Racing: If you take their larger relatives into account, the cat has it, because nothing says fast like a cheetah. But we're not going to take wild relatives into account, because this is about the house pets. And well, dogs have the slender, elongated genes of greyhounds and whippets on their side, and so they take their first point.

Chess: But when it comes to being clever and conniving, the sort of traits that suit one well in chess, cats reign supreme. Plus, couldn't you just see a cat playing chess? Maybe in a smoking jacket, with a little cat pipe filled with catnip? I Can Has Cheezburger, you have a mission, cats and chess, go! Point one for los gatos.

Archery: I'm pretty sure there's absolutely nothing a dog can do with his paws other than walk, run, and give high fives. Cats on the other hand (or paw) can do all sorts of shit. I wouldn't be surprised if someday I found one opening a safe and knitting a sweater at the same time. It's amazing the things they can do and all without any thumbs. They would have much better luck with the mechanics of archery, giving them their second point.


Fighting: Sure this is all hypothetical, but I wouldn't put it past PETA to get hypothetically mad about a hypothetical dog and cat fight (they did where KKK outfits, after all), so we'll keep this one out of any specifics. First shot, I thought cats. They have claws, and they love using them. They're more agile. And they have a bossy attitude. Sure, some cats are frightened of anything that moves, but a tough cat doesn't take shit from anyone or anything, including a dog. Yet there are two road blocks in their way to success. 1.) Size. Although some dogs are smaller than cats, on average, dogs are bigger, and often they're much bigger. Like, big enough that if things got really heavy and an all out fight occurred, they could probably fit a cat in their mouth. Seriously, have you seen a Newfoundland lately? Fucking gigantic. 2.) Packs. Cats work alone. But dogs love large groups. There's strength in numbers, and dogs have numbers. Cats don't. Point two for los perros.


Pie Eating: I go back to the size point made above. Plus cats can be really picky about what they eat, and might turn down a pie if it weren't made by a French chef who went to a prestigious culinary school and has been working in the world's finest restaurant for thirty-five years. Dogs, on the other hand, have been known to eat poop. Point three for the wolf's pampered cousin.


Wine Tasting: Remember how I just talked about the refinement of cats? It applies here, too. I'm pretty sure they hold wine tastings when we're not home anyway. They probably pronounces all the French and Italian words correctly, and swish the wine around for exactly the right amount of time, and say things like astringent and tannin. Damn sophisticated snobs. They tie it at three points a piece.


Swimsuit: Now, I know people like to dress up their pets, but I better not find out about anyone putting bikinis or swim trunks on their dogs or cats, or I'm going to go Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of the first Predator movie on you all. There are some lines you don't cross, and that's one of them. But as I said with Penguin Vs. Monkey, this isn't about swimwear, it's about the sex appeal of a dog to a dog or a cat to a cat. Both these animals seem to get down a lot (hence why spaying and neutering is so heavily advocated). So that doesn't get us anywhere. But, sorry cats, because dogs have a sex position named after them. It's not kittystyle, and so, unfortunately for the felines, dogs are victorious, 4-3. Cats, maybe you should change your name to "reverse cowgirls."


You can spit up hairballs and kick up liter all you want, kittens, but the dogs have this one, so let's give them a treat. Ah ah ah, not until you sit. Good. Stay. Okay, great, you win! And someone keep the cats away from the catnip. I don't want them developing a catnip addiction because they're depressed by their defeat.


And now for a shameless plug for my other blog. I wouldn't do it, except this is probably the only time that the subjects of my two blogs with cross so well. If you liked this post, check out The Things Pets Do, and try it on for size. Wear it around the store a little. It totally wont make you look fat, I promise.
Coming soon to a blog near you: Balrog, Vs. Shai-Hulud, Republicans Vs. Democrats, Cake Vs. Pie, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, and Hollywood Vs. Bollywood.
Have two awesome things that need to be contended? Leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo Tashan by prakhar; http://www.flickr.com/photos/prakhar/2600521281/)
(flickr photo Three Tributes: Updike the Husky by Sapphireblue; http://www.flickr.com/photos/sapphir3blu3/3235526812/)

Bull Fighter Vs. Hockey Player

Anonymous writes, "I'd like to see Hockey Player vs Bull Fighter. You know, if you're feeling it." Well, Anonymous, first off, you should think about changing your name, because Anonymous is a ridiculous name. Try Jane or John Doe. Or maybe Unknown. But more importantly, I am feeling it, very much so, even though it is a bit of an unconventional match up. Who would ever think that toothless Canadians and well-dressed Spaniards would have at it? But they're about to, and it's going to be so vicious that someone might need to call the Fire Marshall to shut this blog down. But don't really, because I need something to do on the weekends. Plus the Fire Marshall already has it out for me after that time I held a party for 200 people inside a porta potty. Who knew that was beyond the porta potty fire safety limit? Not I.


But enough of that, let's skate right into this one and figure out Who's More Awesome.

Fighting: So it starts with a stocky Canadian barrelling toward a lithe Spaniard. The Spaniard steps to the side, whipping out a bright red cape, and the hockey players slams into a wall. But slamming into walls at full speed isn't anything new to him, so he spins around, and in seconds brings the matador to the ground with a swift swipe of his stick. The Spaniard, used to battling for his life against thousand-pound animals with horns, fights back hard, kicking in the air with all his might. As he's being pummelled with fancy shoes, the hockey player remembers that the only reason anyone watches hockey is for the fights, and that he's been doing this his whole life, so he pulls off his gloves, grins a toothless grin, and ends it right then and there with the brutal precision of a goring. And the hockey players take the first point.


Wine Tasting: But don't get too cocky, hockey (yeah, it rhymes. I'm just that good), because Spain is big into wine, and is bordered by France, which is even bigger into wine, and so the bull fighters takes this one easily. I'm sure you don't mind, hockey, since you're more of a beer sport anyway, but the bovine battlers just earned their first point.


Pie Eating: But just as easily as bull fighting took the wine point, hockey takes the pie point. If I have to put my money on a stout drunk or a slender sports diva in a pie eating contest, I go with the drunk any day. Point two for hockey.


Swimsuits: I'm not really all that psyched to think about either of these two in swimsuits, but I don't have to since it's too damn cold to wear a speedo during a hockey game anyway. And what if you slipped and skidded on ice. Holy shit that would hurt. Makes me want to scream into a bottle of Crown Royal just thinking about it. And so the bull fighters get their second point.


Archery: Archery is all about precision, and let's be honest, it doesn't take all that much precision to avoid gigantic livestock. There's a whole hell of a lot more precision in putting a tiny disk into a tiny net guarded by a big man wearing an even bigger outfit. Point three for the NHL.


Chess: Both sports involve a good deal of strategy, and so there's no reason to think that either would be better equipped to handle the planning involved in chess, but here's the thing about chess: you can't punch your opponent. Even if you aren't wearing gloves. Point three for the matadores.


Racing: On the ice, it's hockey. On land, it's bull fighting. Nothing gets you more motivated to run than huge animal with sharp things sticking out of his head. But on the ice, bull fighters would fail miserably, and fall all over the place. On land, a hockey player may not give Usain Bolt reasons to stay awake at night, but he could still move fast enough to hold his own. And so, with four points, the hockey players not only win it, but now have more points than teeth.

Bust open the Molson, because hockey just slid by their formerly-fascist competitors, making PETA proud and red-cape makers sad.

Coming soon, by request, firemen vs. sanitation men.

If you have any other suggestions for face offs, leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo bullfight in Merida by TooFarNorth; http://www.flickr.com/photos/toofarnorth/85137000/)
(flickr photo MNR 2008 Hockey Tournament by loimere; http://www.flickr.com/photos/loimere/2376126968/)