The foremost DC comics superhero team (The JLA or Justice League of America) against the foremost Marvel comics superhero team (The Avengers). A comic book nerd's wet dream, and let me say, my dreams have been soaked lately thinking about this competition. That came out wrong, didn't it?The main problem with this face off is the fluidity of the teams' rosters. They constantly change membership, and as much as I'd love to include every single member ever a part of each team, that would leave me with somewhere around a billion JLA heros and 25 billion Avengers. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get my point. So I've narrowed it down to the most consistent and essential members.
The JLA is Superman, Batman, Aquaman, The Flash, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter.
The Avengers are Captain America, Thor, Wasp, Giant-Man (Henry Pym), Iron Man, and Hawkeye.
And I know The Avengers have one less person on their team, but I think having Thor, who's a god and all sort of makes up for it. I mean Superman and Martian Manhunter are pretty fucking powerful, but they're not god status.
So put on the bat signal, find a telephone booth to change in, power up your suit, and grab the Mjolnir, because we're about to find out Who's More Awesome.
Archery: I started with an easy one. Hawkeye all the way. That's what he does. You know that Rick Ross song Hustlin'? Well replace "hustlin'" with "archery(in')" and the song could have been written by Hawkeye. And I know sometimes the Green Arrow is in the JLA, and maybe I should have included him here, but I didn't so deal with it. Point one for The Avengers.
Racing: The Flash. It's only fair. I know, I know, it's highly possible that Superman, Martain Manhunter, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and on the other side of things Thor and Iron Man are actually faster, but speed is all The Flash has. Let's not strip him of his dignity just for the sake of fake competition accuracy. Have a fucking heart people. The point goes to The JLA.
Pie Eating: Henry Pym in his Giant-Man form has this one easily. When you're sixty-feet tall, you can eat a lot of pies. Point two for The Avengers.
Swimsuit: But not so fast Marvel, because Wonder Woman is a super hot girl wearing what is essentially a swimsuit. Yes, Wasp is pretty damn hot, too, but she's not wearing a swimsuit, and Wonder Woman is a much better superhero: speed, strength, invulnerability, flight, a boomeranging tiara, communication with animals, and a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Awesome! Compare that to Wasp who can shrink really small, fly (with wings, not magically like Wonder Woman), shoot littler stinger blasts, and communicate with insects (not badass and occasionally cute and cuddly animals; ugly, gross, tiny insects). Plus, there's Aquaman who's basically wearing a permanent swimsuit since he's always in the water and totally digging it. Point two for the JLA.
Wine Tasting: As far as familiarity with the whole wine tasting process goes, The JLA has Bruce Wayne (Batman) and The Avengers have Tony Stark (Iron Man). Both of these guys are snazzy rich motherfuckers who probably go wine tasting more often than they take a piss. But wine tasting under my rules is also about tolerance since there's none of that wasteful spitting the wine out like a spoiled brat who doesn't like their dinner bullshit. And that's where Captain America, who is impervious to the affects of alcohol and thus has a limitless tolerance, comes in. Point three for The Avengers.
Fighting: With Thor on one side and Superman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Wonder Woman on the other, this fight could go on until the end of time. And I don't mean the 2pac end of time I mean the apocalypse end of time. But fortunately we don't need a full on battle, because the JLA gets an honorary victory for having Batman on their team, solely because of this super badass Chinese prison fight scene from Batman Begins. Point three for The JLA.
Chess: The only JLA member known for intelligence is Batman. That's not to say the rest are idiots, just that none of them have reputations as mental giants. But the Avengers have two scientific geniuses (Giant-Man and Iron Man) and one militaristic genius (Captain America). And so The Avengers take the competition, 4-3.
Even with their roster cut, The Avengers still came out on top. Sorry, DC, please don't take it personally. You guys were and always will be my first comic book love. But you know, a competition's a competition, and you lost.
Awesome match ups of the future: Babies Vs. Old People, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor.
If you have suggestions, leave them in the comments, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.
(flickr photo jla_avengers by nijin; http://www.flickr.com/photos/geneandshari/1350974721/)
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