Old People Vs. Babies

Ah yes, an ancient battle, that goes back centuries upon centuries. Old people and infants. How could it have possibly taken us this long to get to such a prestigious and infamous battle? A battle of the ages. Ahahaha, it's a pun. Now laugh, you son of a bitch!
But seriously internet folks (that is to say, not real people; you're probably all old fat men pretending to be young attractive women), this was requested by two people. Dos if you speak Spanish. Still dos even if you don't. Kristine and SophisticatedBrew both requested this baby (goddamnit, another pun! I'm on a role).
This one doesn't need much of an intro, so lets watch our mobiles or some Murder, She Wrote and make sure our diapers are on (both our baby and old people diapers) and find out Who's More Awesome.

Racing: Have you ever seen those random old people that run like 15 marathons a year and twice as many triathlons, and they end up on the evening news about once a month whenever things get slow? How many miraculous running babies do you know? None, that's how many. But there are miraculous running old people. It happens. Not often, but it happens. Point one for the senior citizens.

Swimsuit: With babies you can at least say something like, "Oh a baby in swim trunks is adorable." With old people all you can really say is, "This is disgusting and horrible. Someone please claw my eyes out of with rusty butter knife now!" Point one for the infants.

Chess: Babies are idiots. No offense meant, they just are. They have minimal mental capacities, so a game like chess really isn't for them. No matter how far gone the old person is, odds are they still have a brain cell or two on a baby. Point two for the old peeps.

Pie Eating: Old people can't eat for shit. Again, no offense meant, it's just the truth. Most old people nibble here or there and barely finish a full meal. But babies, they know how to eat, and they do it eat pie eating contest style. They throw their food around, smash their face and hands in it, get it all over their shirt, and gobble that shit down with the itsy bitsy lame excuses for teeth they have. Point two for the miniature humans.

Archery: Babies have pudgy little balls of dough for fingers, so their chances of being able to accurately fire a bow and arrow are almost as low as their chances of picking one up with those weak, fat arms they have. Sorry babies, but the old people win this one by default. Sure there's arthritis working against them, but they at least have a chance of a manipulating a bow and arrow, while you have absolutely no hope. Point three for those with gray hair.

Fighting: Let's face it, neither of these two are going to excel here. They're not exactly in great fighting condition. But they don't need to be, because the instant that bell goes off, and the old man starts walker-ing it over to the baby, the baby will cry. If you've ever taken a five hour plane flight with a crying baby next to you, you know that you'd do anything to shut it up, even throwing aside all your morals and kicking the shit out of an old dude. And so the baby will win by sheer annoyance, as tons of able bodied adults take to the ring in his defense. Point three for the babies.

Wine Tasting: All tied up, which sounds like the title for a bondage movie, but it's actually a description of this contest's current situation. So who will take it? Easy. Babies have no experience with wine, very little experience with smell or taste, very weak smell and taste, and they have shit tolerance. Old people for the win, 4-3.

Break open the doors to the retirement home, and toss your babies in a crib (or Australia so that a dingo will take them) because old people won this one, old school style. Future face offs: The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, Hollywood Vs. Bollywood, Enrique Iglesias Vs. Sex, Beer Vs. Wine, Simpsons Vs. Family Guy, Elvis Costello Vs. Elvis Presley, Poets Vs. Liars, Men Vs. Women, Old Testament Vs. New Testament, Walmart Vs. The US Government, Jessica Simpson vs Ashley Simpson (and a goldfish), Chicken Vs. Everything Else That Just Tastes Like Chicken, and Arnold Schwarzenegger The Actor Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governor. Contest suggestions? Leave them in the comments.
(flickr photo Old People Sign by rileyroxx; http://www.flickr.com/photos/rileyroxx/151985627/)
(flickr photo Fun with Babies Part 1 by TedsBlog; http://www.flickr.com/photos/tedsblog/43433812/)