Balrog Vs. Shai-Hulud

For those who aren't ninth level nerd dork geek dweebs (which requires a very high prescription of glasses and a very low knowledge of popular culture), this is essentially epic fantasy monster vs. epic science fiction monster.
The Balrog is a fiery demon about twice the size of a man armed with whips and steel-like claws, and comes from J.R.R. Tolkien's mind. It is most commonly recognized for it's Lord of the Rings role as "that thing that kills Gandalf in the first one." Check out this clip for a refresher.
The Shai-Hulud are giant sandworms who can grow up to 400 meters long with a diameter of 40 meters, and potentially larger. Their mouth's are stuffed with sharp and durable teeth. They're the creation on Frank Hubert, and play a major role in one of science fiction's greatest series, the Dune series. It's less likely you've heard of them, so if you haven't, check out this clip to get a basic idea (3:15 is the first glimpse of the worm).
All right, nerds and nerdettes, pause your Legend of Zelda game, and pull out your epic novels so we can find out Who's More Awesome.

Wine Tasting: Neither of these two are wine connoisseurs, but a sandworm has no hands, and so he can't lift the wine glass. The Balrog does. Well, I guess he has talons, actually, but close enough. He gets the point for sort of, kind of being able to lift the glass.

Chess: Intelligence is no matter, because the sandworm still can't grasp, and thus, can't play chesss. In most of Leto II's sand worm stages, he could grasp, but that's because of his human side. So since the sandworm can't pick up chess pieces, point two goes to the Balrog and his badass claw-hands.

Racing: The Shai-Hulud are used as a form of transportation, and no one saddles up slow animals. Last time I checked, there aren't too many people hitching up their Galapagos Tortoises, and if there are, someone please tell them to buy a fucking Amtrak ticket or jump on the subway. I'm pretty sure some of the people on those trains are half tortoise anyway, so they'll fit right in. My point: The Shai-Hulud are fast, and so they take this one.

Pie Eating: The size difference between "twice the size of a man" and 400m by 40m is just kind of a big deal. In fact, it's a huge deal. Literally. The Shai-Hulud could eat a ton more pies than the Balrog, tying it up at 2 each.

Archery: But now we come back to that lack of hand-like things with which the sandworm is afflicted. Not to mention that the Balrog is used to handling weaponry. Point three for that great ball of fire.

Fighting: In their respective world's they are both virtually indestructible. And since Tolkein is so vague about the Balrog's physical form and features, and so contradictory depending on what book you read (LOTR or The Silmarillion), and because the sizes of Shai-Hulud vary so much, it isn't easy to accurately predict the outcome of a fight. But the Shai-Hulud is also the name for a metal/punk band influenced by Frank Herbert's creation, and let's be honest, this lead singer is a man who will kick your ass. So the fighting point goes to the overgrown worms of Dune for adding a few more mosh pits to this world.

Swimsuit: I don't know if I can even rate this one, because it's just too sexy. I can barely contain myself as it is, and to describe these two in bathing suits, sensual detail after sensual detail, may just bring me...wait, this isn't Jessica Alba in Sin City Vs. Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four? Giant demon Vs. Giant worm? That's, uh...that's not sexy at all. That's anti-sexy. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Can a worm even wear a bathing suit? I didn't think so. True, the demon's fire would engulf a swimsuit. And the sandworms do live in the sand, and where do we find the highest percentage of bikinis? That's right, on or near sand. It's kind of a weak way to win, but regardless, you deserve it, Shai-Hulud. 4-3.

Maybe this victory will inspire someone to work on a Dune movie that's actually well-made and does the book justice. I know, funny, right? A well-made Dune movie, hahahahahahahaha. Hi-lar-ious. Best joke I've ever told. Let's just hope the Star Trek movie doesn't suck a Vulcan nut.
Coming Attractions: Cake Vs. Pie, Republicans Vs. Democrats, The Jolly Green Giant Vs. The Hulk, The Sasquatch Vs. The Abominable Snowman, Ferrets Vs. Poseidon, The JLA Vs. The Avengers, and Hollywood Vs. Bollywood.
Have a suggestion? Leave a comment, and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo The Lord of The Rings by Serdal; http://www.flickr.com/photos/serdal/3133167924/)
(flickr photo Dune by ryanrocketship; http://www.flickr.com/photos/ryanrocketship/541928411/)

Sauron Vs. Darth Vader

With two nerdy competition requests in two days, I figured it was time for a rush order of dorkiness, and so I put some of the other less socially-challenged competitions on the back burner, and rolled up the sleeves of my Watchman shirt.

This pocket-protecting request comes from Anna Russell. Darth Vader you know. He wears all black, covers his disfigured face with a helmet, breathes heavily, and totally digs the Dark Side. Sauron you might not know as well. He's that dude in the first Lord of the Rings movie who's got the crazy all black, spiky costume that looks like it belongs at a death metal concert or an S&M club, and then throughout the remainder of the movies, he's essentially a big floating eye surrounded by fire. Sweet, right?

Push up your glasses and put down your Next Generation DVDs, because it's time to take these two evil overlords and decide Who's More Awesome.

Archery: Neither one is very well equipped to fire a bow and arrow: sauron has no physical form without the Ring and Darth Vader has no arms or legs without his robotic body. But they both command minions (Yes! I'm so fucking excited to use that word), and Sauron's minions, not to mention almost everyone else in the LOTR trilogy, especially Legolas (who knew Orlando Bloom could be such a badass?), fire tons of bows and arrows. Point one for that faithful eye in the sky.

Swimsuit: The whole not having a physical form thing is really gonna fuck stuff up for Sauron, especially in this category. But forgetting that, even when he did have form, the jagged armor he wore would rip up any bathing suit that came in contact. Vader on the other hand has smooth, sleek armor, perfect for a bathing suit. Using "smooth" and "sleek" to describe Darth Vader was kind of creepy, wasn't it? Oh well, regardless, the Dark Side's number one advocate gets his first point.

Chess: This is the first face-0ff thus far in which both competitors are unbelievably qualified for chess. They both manage gigantic armies (see the word "minions" from two paragraphs up. I'm still excited about that), and think in terms of chess-like strategy constantly. Vader's main advantage would be his Jedi mind control, which he could use on anyone but Suaron to force a bad chess move, but Sauron has no body, and so there's no hand to force. But Sauron's ability to see all gives him just enough advantage to scrape ahead of Vader and take point two for the Tolkien crowd.

Racing: Let's forget their individual speeds, because one has no body and the other has no legs. Thinking on a broader scale, Vader lives in space, and we all know that spaceships are ludicrously fast, while things in Middle Earth move at the speed of horses and hobbits. Vader ties it up with his second point.

Fighting: Again, let's neglect a few things. Forget the armies upon armies and the intimidating supernatural abilities. Bring it back to the basics: swords. Well, sword-like things. In the movies, when Suaron has form, he has this gigantic badass scepter which he uses to swat elves and men aside like he's chopping down daises. But Vader and his Star Wars crew have light sabers, and light sabers are pretty much the ultimate in dueling technology. Plus Vader fought his own son and later his boss. The man is always down for a fight, regardless of who he's fighting. And so Vader pulls ahead with his third point.

Wine Tasting: A burnt face is never good for wine tasting, but no face is even worse. But Suaron sees everything, and I'm pretty sure covered-up wine labels are included in everything. Tied again.

Pie Eating: It's a sadly simple way to end things, but sorry Suaron, you have no body and hence no stomach or mouth. You can't eat pies without either of those. Just ask any collagen-injected anorexic actress. So Vader wins it, 4-3, and all he had to do was have a mouth and stomach.

With that Lucas can celebrate again, having redeemed himself from screwing his fans over with episodes 1-3.

Upcoming requested battles: Penis vs. Vagina, Cats Vs. Dogs, Politicians Vs. Entertainers, and The Balrog Vs. The Shai-Hulud.

Have a competition in mind? Leave it in the comments and I'll tell you Who's More Awesome.

(flickr photo Darth Vader 1024x268 by gogen001; http://www.flickr.com/photos/gogen001/2784247641/)

(flickr photo the one ring by Katie Tegtmeyer; http://www.flickr.com/photos/katietegtmeyer/38577075/)